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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tell MIL no?

187 replies

BornSinner · 03/12/2017 16:59

More a WWYD but just posting for traffic.
DD is 3 months old. Shes EBF and with me all the time (as expected).
Everytime we see MIL she pushes taking DD for a few hours so we "can have some time to ourselves" or "to help with attachment issues".
Now don't get me wrong, I know she's genuinely trying to help and I'm sure when I'm ready for someone to babysit I'll be grateful for the offers. But seriously, everytime she says it I just smile and nod or say "well we'll let you know", but she's saying it so much its actually getting awkward now.
How can I politely tell her I'm not ready to leave DD with anyone? I want to just have a quick one liner that doesn't evoke conversation or invite her to start telling me about why it's important for DD to spend time with other people.
How can I make it clear without offending her?

NB - She does get easily offended by this kind of thing, unnecessarily.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 03/12/2017 22:51

Just leave it. Dont text. Don’t engage. Don’t raise the subject. If MIL asked again, just say “No, that doesn’t work for me”. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. If she asks why it doesn’t work for you, just say “it just doesn’t”. You don’t need to make excuses or explain yourself. Never apologise. Never explain.

ACertainRatio · 03/12/2017 22:56

It was OP's MIL who brought up attachment issues, not me. I just suggested MIL might like to educate herself on attachment, as she seems to think that poor attachment stems from a baby spending too much time with its mother Confused

dinosaurkisses · 03/12/2017 22:57

I left PFB DD overnight with my sister and then again with my mum and dad by the time she was six weeks- she's 8 weeks now.

I feel like a bit of a shite mum now to be honest.

Scoleah · 03/12/2017 23:03

I've had this..
For the past 18 months actually, it doesn't go away.
They all just make a joke about it now, which is even more annoying!
I don't have attachment issues, I just never need a babysitter, I genuinely enjoy my time with him, and don't need the time alone! Is that so wrong? According to my in laws it is!
I've tried brushing it over and being straight , none of them work, has pushed me away from wanting them to have him now though! Good luck OP! Smile

scottishdiem · 03/12/2017 23:10

Just remember this when you become a grandparent OP. Dont bother asking for time with your grandchildren until you are told they are ready. Otherwise you will be a hypocrite.

scottishdiem · 03/12/2017 23:12

dinosaurkisses

Dont feel bad. Each mother is different. Although I wonder if there is a correlation between mums who cannot bear to be separated from the children who then go onto complaining that they are all touched out and don't have support networks to help take the children.

IHATEPeppaPig · 03/12/2017 23:16

@scottishdiem hopefully the OP will know that demanding alone time with a 3 month old and stating that they have attachments issues probably isn't going to go down well with the mother when she becomes a grandparent.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 03/12/2017 23:16

Just remember this when you become a grandparent OP. Dont bother asking for time with your grandchildren until you are told they are ready. Otherwise you will be a hypocrite.

Or adjusting that to OP's actual description: by all means ask for time (alone) with your grandchildren, but accept it gracefully when your DiL says no, not yet thanks. Like normal people do.

Mumto2two · 03/12/2017 23:21

Every time I read posts like this, I am incensed. Brings me back to my baby days, and how bloody intrusive my own MIL was. My only regret has been letting it go. Being the nice person who wouldn't say boo to a goose. When in fact I should have told her to get the hell out of my face and leave us all alone.
I had the exact same comments OP, and having BF for about a year, with a child that had issues which affected her ability to breathe & feed at the same time, it was safe to say, she wasn't shared around as much as MIL so badly wanted!
It became quite apparent with people like this, that it is not because they want to ''help', as her interference was never a help, and only ever a hindrance. It is entirely for themselves, to satisfy their own bizarre selfish need...for something I quite don't understand. Narcissist supply perhaps? To be adored and needed....the martyr who can turn your life around and raise your kids better than you can.
I'm sorry OP, you have my sympathy!

bellweather · 04/12/2017 06:30

Oh op I remember that mil thread! Flowers

My DS is 10 months now and I have only ever left him with DH mostly when I need to, but My mil has had DS twice on her own. Just for 2 hours each time. And both times I was panicking.

I don’t know how I’m going to be able to leave him at nursery next year Sad

bellweather · 04/12/2017 06:31

I think just not being ready is a valid excuse
My DH is pushing me to go on date night and leave DS with mil but I’m just not ready yet.. actually getting heart palpitations just thinking about it!!

justilou1 · 04/12/2017 07:54

Perhaps you could text something along the lines of "I know you mean well, but as I am exclusively breast feeding, and intend to for quite some time, it is impossible to leave her with anyone - and DP and I are both very happy with things the way they stand at the moment. When that changes, we'll let you know and maybe revisit the idea."

Iggi999 · 04/12/2017 08:35

But it’s just not true that exclusively bf means it’s impossible to leave a baby for an hour or so. If you tell her that she can point to examples of women who did just that. The truth is that you are not ready to leave the baby so that is what you should stick to.
It is good to establish trust relationships with people close to your dc as you may need them one day. In another month or so you may snap her hand off at the offer (if she keeps making it!)

PinkCrystal · 04/12/2017 09:01

My MIL was the same. She came to my house unannounced daily and made comments all the time about how she hasn't had DD to herself yet, this was from 10 days old. And how all her friends had their GC more or less every day.
It didn't get better but I didn't give in.

She took DC out locally the odd time when they were toddlers but kept demanding more e.g. taking them abroad without me when they were babies. She had no interest at all in a relationship with me and no respect for the way I raised DC.

The only answer to it is to be assertive. She doesn't need DC alone. Just be honest and said not yet or no thank you.

RadioGaGoo · 04/12/2017 09:02

Lol at Christmas! 'Seek Counselling'. Bit dramatic aren't you?

Anatidae · 04/12/2017 09:19

Seek counselling?? Seriously?

This isn’t a respectful MIL checking if OP needs a nap or can she take dc out for a spin to give her a break. It’s someone who has MASSIVELY overstepped boundaries in the past.

No is a complete sentence OP. Your text sounds fine. If she’s the MIL and the thread I’m thinking of that no would be standing for quite some time...

I was happy to leave ds with either set of parents for short times so I could have a nap but a. Neither are utterly batshit and b. it was over a year before I left him over night and even now when he’s two I’ve only done it once.

GoodLuckTime · 04/12/2017 14:33

'why are new mom's soooooooo insecure?
honestly let her take the little one around the block in the pram! if your unable to have the little one away from you at all then seek counselling because you need help.'

This is ill-informed, patronising bullshit, frankly.

Bonding is an actual thing. Driven by hormones. Biological design to keep your baby safe by giving the new mother a very strong instinct to keep them close.

Seems some mothers feel it more strongly than others.

And yes you can override it if needs be (I've posted on another thread recently about spending 4 nights away from my ebf first born when they were four months because I had a sudden and acute illness that had to be treated).

But in general I didn't want to be away from my babies when they were little. It triggered my hormones to be away from them. I couldn't sleep.

It's not a rational 'I don't want this person to care for them' thing. It's primal.

DH found it hard to understand how difficult I found the hospital separation until I described it to him like this:

Imagine your hand needs treatment. And you have the best surgeon in the world caring for you. Who says ' we just need to cut it off and treat it in another room for a while'. You trust this dr. You agree with the treatment plan. But you'd still spend the whole time without your hand with your subconscious screaming 'where's my hand, where's my hand' until it came back.

THAT is what is being separated from my young babies felt like to me. So I didn't do it unless necessary.

I was, though, distrustful of people who didn't understand or respect that as I questioned their motives.

You do need to let them explore without you at some point. And that primal feeling gradually faded, or rather my happiness at being apart from them gradually extended from nine to an hour to a few hours to a whole day (went back to work at 7 months was fine) to overnights and a few days apart occasionally by the time they were 3-4 years old.

But the only reason to leave your baby at three months is if the mother wants to. And this one doesn't. So discussion over.

A guiding rule for me, still, when were pushed for stuff is 'in whose interests is this?'

DCs interests are paramount. We're not doing anything they are not ready for. PIL push for the DC to go there without us. But they are too young for the longish stay required (they live a long way away). So it's a no. But we might, now, leave them overnight as part of a visit when we are all there, now they are a bit older.

As the OP said, they are not toys. And some relatives have a hard time distinguishing between what they want and what is in the child's best interests.

Original poster
BornSinner · 04/12/2017 14:45

GoodLuck - thank you, that's such a good analogy! Very very true.

OP posts:
GrimDamnFanjo · 04/12/2017 14:53

Wireless headphones, the bacon curing box mentioned up thread, some jams and chutneys, a jumper... Got some good id as from this thread!

GrimDamnFanjo · 04/12/2017 14:54

Omg so sorry wrong thread!

Witchend · 04/12/2017 14:58

We live quite a distance from any grandparents.
We see dh's family up to a couple of dozen times a year. We see my family 1-2 times a year for about a week.
The dc have a very strong bond with both, but stronger with my dm. They don't need to spend lots of time with grandparents to have a strong bond.

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/12/2017 15:08

I would love to read the other thread about this MIL !

liquidrevolution · 04/12/2017 15:11

GoodLuck great analogy thanks.

OP my DD is 3.5 and I still feel the same way. I have done overnight without her as I had a conference but my DH was home and my DM came to stay to help out. And one night away where she stayed at DSIL.

I was miserable both times.

DD and I are not joined at the hip as I work and she often goes out with DH and family for the day but I like to have her with me at night. This does not stop MIL pressurizing me for overnight stays though. She only lives 5 mins away, she babysits for us sometimes and we see her too often. But it is clearly not enough for her Hmm. But the more she pushes me the more I dig my heels in Grin.

user1485778793 · 04/12/2017 17:40

I never understand why relatives especially mil's are so desperate to have grandkids alone. Why do they not want the parents around, it seems very strange.
Your dp should be telling her no and explaining why

Jedimum1 · 04/12/2017 17:47

I bottled feed but didn't leave my DD1 until she was 14 months, for a few hours. I don't see the point on forcing a baby to get used to other people, your baby needs you and you need the baby. My DS, however, was happy as Larry to be with other people and was left from 5 months, but he was (and is) the happiest little boy ever and still attaches to me if I'm at home. I didn't leave any of them until I was ready, and that only came from seeing that they were ready. So don't let anyone force you to!