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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tell MIL no?

187 replies

BornSinner · 03/12/2017 16:59

More a WWYD but just posting for traffic.
DD is 3 months old. Shes EBF and with me all the time (as expected).
Everytime we see MIL she pushes taking DD for a few hours so we "can have some time to ourselves" or "to help with attachment issues".
Now don't get me wrong, I know she's genuinely trying to help and I'm sure when I'm ready for someone to babysit I'll be grateful for the offers. But seriously, everytime she says it I just smile and nod or say "well we'll let you know", but she's saying it so much its actually getting awkward now.
How can I politely tell her I'm not ready to leave DD with anyone? I want to just have a quick one liner that doesn't evoke conversation or invite her to start telling me about why it's important for DD to spend time with other people.
How can I make it clear without offending her?

NB - She does get easily offended by this kind of thing, unnecessarily.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 04/12/2017 19:22

If this is the MIL I think it is BornSinner, then you would be totally justified in telling her not in a million years will you leave your child alone with her! In the mean time, try "er no, that's not a good idea", or "Oh, I guess you've not read the latest research on attachment..." or "No, she's not a toy!" Flowers

IHeartKingThistle · 04/12/2017 19:23

Because they've had their time with their children, and they miss it.

My kids are 11 and 8 and I can absolutely see a time when I'd be delighted to have a baby plonked on me for a couple of hours again. Hell, Id quite like it now! It isn't that hard to understand, surely?

Scorpiolady123 · 04/12/2017 19:32

Sparklyunicorntractors I definitely behave like gorilla with my son. I'm not even gonna lie Grin

IHeartKingThistle I don't think it's that the op doesn't understand. She s just not ready yet.

IHeartKingThistle · 04/12/2017 19:35

Oh I was replying to a PP who said they couldn't understand why grandparents would want this! I'd be gutted if my DCs grandparents didn't want it.

RidingMyBike · 04/12/2017 19:49

Gah, parenting expectations within families! You’ll just have to shrug and explain that you don’t want to leave her anywhere at the moment. Your MIL is probably a different type of parent to you and is possibly remembering what she felt like with a baby and offering you the help she wanted at the time!

Or swop relatives with me! I got put under loads of pressure to attachment parent, which partially led to my PND. What I was desperate for was for someone to take the baby for a bit but I didn’t get my first break until three months when I left DD with DH and went out for a blissful evening on my own. It’s just different ways of being a parent - it’s clear from MN that some mums can’t bear being apart from their LOs, whereas I was the opposite!

With my relatives I’ve just had to be firm and ignore them.

HappyLabrador · 04/12/2017 21:50

My kids are 11 and 8 and I can absolutely see a time when I'd be delighted to have a baby plonked on me for a couple of hours again. Hell, Id quite like it now! It isn't that hard to understand, surely?

I can understand that Grandparents want to spend time with their Grandchildren. But why (for some Grandparents) does it need to be alone without the actual parents there? And why with such tiny babies who need their mother? That’s what I don’t get.

My children are 17 and 13. I don’t particularly feel any excited anticipation at the prospect of looking after their future children yet. I’m sure I’ll love any Grandchildren and babysit happily if they ask me to. But I certainly won’t be trying to commandeer my Grandchildren and pressure my daughters to hand over their babies in an attempt to play mother again. That’s just interfering and bloody weird.

Leslieknope123 · 04/12/2017 22:14

I could have written this myself. Never offered help for anything else. It was ALWAYS " I can take the baby out" etc. I just told her thank you, I appreciate it but I'm not ready yet and woukd prefer to go at my own pace rather than force it /get anxious / get an anxiety attack x she backed off.a bit then xxxx

BridgetJonesDaiquiri · 04/12/2017 22:27

Even when your baby is a little older it can be a challenge. I haven’t left DD for any real length of time (odd hour here and there with her dad) but she is now 7 months and I recently left her with PIL for the day while I had to go into the office - she cried a lot during the day which is apparently “evidence” that she has attachment issues and to “help” i should be regularly leaving her with MIL - she suggested one/two days a week. I have 10 weeks of mat leave left, so no, I won’t be giving up two days a week of that thanks. Plus I have no inclination to leave my daughter just yet with MIL, with my mum, with DH - yes she will have to adapt when she goes to nursery but that’s still 10 weeks away.

I feel like the floodgates have opened though and now PIL had her alone for a whole day they expect to do it often - they see her a lot with us there, but what is with some PIL wanting to have their DGC on their own - why can’t the parents be there as well?!

PinkCrystal · 04/12/2017 22:41

My MIL always wanted DC on her own. I suspect to take over and play mum.

Anatidae · 05/12/2017 07:48

she cried a lot during the day which is apparently “evidence” that she has attachment issues and to “help” i should be regularly leaving her with MIL

  1. Don’t and
  2. That’s not what attachment issues are. I’d be launching into a long, long, referenced spiel about how that isn’t what an attachment problem is. An attachment problem is when a baby has not attached to a primary carer and suffers various issues as a result. A baby who cries when they leave their Mum is just missing their mum. Forcing them to be in a situation they are stressed in will result in anxiety not anything positive. Your mil seems to think that she needs to break an attachment to you and that’s as wrong as it gets.
Zevitevitchofcrimas · 05/12/2017 08:47

I can't fathom the need to be alone with the dc either. Do posters own mums demand this or is it just mils? I just couldn't imagine my own dm doing this.
I think mils want it so they can have full control and do things their way without dils being there.
It's manic and I can't imagine doing it to my own dds.
Sure a horrible pressure to put on any family.

mumof3boys33 · 05/12/2017 09:48

Yes she’s probably only trying to help. I didn’t have anyone to help with my first. He literally spent the first 3 months yelling or breast feeding. I found it so hard. I’d have loved a mil to offer help. A neighbour visited when my son was about 6 weeks old and saw how stressful I was finding it, so she suggested I go for a walk on my own. I’d changed his nappy, he’d been drinking all morning but was still yelling. I went for a walk for about 15 mins. I could hear him screaming as I went along the road and it was quite a relief when I could no longer hear him, but then I felt terrible when I got near home and the screaming could be heard again. As soon as I got back the only way to stop the yelling was to stick boob back in his mouth!
But I would have liked someone to give me a break a bit more often. 15 mins was enough though. I’ve no idea why he used to scream so much, he’s 16 now and a fairly easy teenager. I had 2 more babies and they never screamed like him!
But i would probably offer a future daughter in law help incase she felt how I did when mine was small. But I definitely wouldn’t push it. “Baby sitting” while you take a rest in the same house is probably the best option and the sort of help I’d have been grateful for.

CocaColaTruck · 05/12/2017 09:51

I must have been a very neglectful mother. When my DM offered to have my baby so I could bugger off shopping or something I snatched her hand off.

They both survived.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 05/12/2017 09:59

mum

not all help that is offered is actually help at all. Baby sitting the same house is probably perfect for most new mums, baby is watched but they can breathe and relax for a little.

Sadly as we see on here so many mils, thats not good enough they need to have baby alone away from its mother.

elland · 05/12/2017 10:02

@CocaColaTruck no one is saying leaving your baby is wrong, the OP has made a choice that she doesn't want to, just like you made your own choice.

Trillis · 05/12/2017 11:09

I'm a bit bemused by this thread. Is it generally the done thing now for new mums to have baby with them 24/7 for many months? I can totally understand not wanting to leave baby with people you aren't completely comfortable with, like OPs MiL, but the impression I'm getting is that many people here wouldn't leave a 3 month old baby for half an hour with someone that they are happy with.

I simply had no idea things had changed so much. My eldest is 16, but maternity leave was only 4 months then (I stretched mine out to 5). We had to start preparing to leave them younger than that, so that both baby and I (but mostly I) could cope with nursery days when I went back to work. When they were very little and my parents or DH mum came to visit it was nice to have the chance to have a 20 minute walk on my own or with DH while they stayed with baby/kids. Or vice versa - they'd take baby for a walk while I had a bath or a rest. It did feel very odd at first as I was used to baby with me all the time, but those short breaks every week or two were a breath of fresh air for me, and meant that later, when I needed to leave them with someone, I was much happier doing so because I was happy that they knew what they were doing with baby. It wasn't just me either - all my friends left their babies with family members for varying lengths of time.

Aren't people exhausted, never having a break at all from baby, or have I got the wrong end of the stick? I'm hoping this post doesn't across the wrong way - I'm really not trying to get at anyone, just not sure I have understood this right.

IHeartKingThistle · 05/12/2017 11:11

I'm with you Trillis. It's a bit of a parallel universe !

Lucywithout · 05/12/2017 11:45

I am a great grandma now. I think if she takes offence it is on her. You need to show your irritation with these demands. Say sweet things as you say "No" but let the irritation sound in your voice. She can only quote the words you use.

"I know she will love to be with you when she is old enough." Slightly cross voice. If she pushs, up the annoyed tone but don't say anything quotably unkind.

Anatidae · 05/12/2017 11:49

trills that’s not what the OP is saying. This isn’t granny taking baby for a spin so she can have a nap/shower/whatever. It’s the mil wanting to have the baby alone for an extended period alone so she can play Mum/‘break attachment’ etc.

Also if it’s the mil I’m thinking of there is an horrendous backstory here - I don’t think op isn’t being precious.

CotswoldStrife · 05/12/2017 11:53

I don't think you are bemused Trillis Hmm especially when the OP clearly states that she loves having her baby with her all the time. Posters do what suits them as individuals. The OP doesn't want to leave her baby with her MIL as she's quite happy with the way things are at the moment.

Original poster
BornSinner · 05/12/2017 12:07

Wow thanks for all the comments everyone, and sharing your experiences with me! It's relieving I'm not the only one in this position, although I empathise with everyone else going through it.
As I said before - anyone who was happy to leave DC with friends/family when they were little, great :) that's good that you had people there to support and help when you wanted it. I'm in no way suggesting it makes anyone irresponsible or anything else, it is just as simple as the fact that I don't want that.
Trillis - for me yes, I do want DD with me all the time. Shes a very easy baby and I don't feel stressed by it (thankfully)!
For those wondering - let's just say it was the 'doctor - access card - c section - recovery area - unauthorised' story Angry
She is indeed that MIL.

OP posts:
Anatidae · 05/12/2017 12:15

Oh I thought so.

Yeah. Stick to your guns. (Just to be nosy I do hope you bloody complained to her trust about that!)

kaytee87 · 05/12/2017 12:26

@Trillis no you're not bemused, you're being scornful of how some new mums feel.

Imagine someone said 'I'm bemused by how mums can leave their tiny babies with someone else' They'd be blasted for being judgemental.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 05/12/2017 12:27

Aren't people exhausted, never having a break at all from baby, or have I got the wrong end of the stick? I'm hoping this post doesn't across the wrong way - I'm really not trying to get at anyone, just not sure I have understood this right

yes! I was! I was desperate for another responsible adult who truly loved DD to watch her sadly that wasn't mil and little things told me that.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 05/12/2017 12:29

op with a mil like that.....offend away for goodness sake.