How to tell MIL no?

[BornSinner]

More a WWYD but just posting for traffic.
DD is 3 months old. Shes EBF and with me all the time (as expected).
Everytime we see MIL she pushes taking DD for a few hours so we "can have some time to ourselves" or "to help with attachment issues".
Now don't get me wrong, I know she's genuinely trying to help and I'm sure when I'm ready for someone to babysit I'll be grateful for the offers. But seriously, everytime she says it I just smile and nod or say "well we'll let you know", but she's saying it so much its actually getting awkward now.
How can I politely tell her I'm not ready to leave DD with anyone? I want to just have a quick one liner that doesn't evoke conversation or invite her to start telling me about why it's important for DD to spend time with other people.
How can I make it clear without offending her?

NB - She does get easily offended by this kind of thing, unnecessarily.

Stop visiting and if she comes to your house, tell her you’re busy.

Sometimes, a firm hand is needed so that in laws ask the question and then work out the answers. They had their turn, this is your turn, and you need to do this your way.

Btw, I only ever left my children with MIL at my home, she came and looked after them here. I'm not ready yet for them to be left in any other surroundings (other than nursery or school) and definitely not ready yet for them to sleep over at anyone's house. My children are now 5 and 2.5yo

Totally sympathise, OP! My MIL was the same. Thankfully we lived abroad by the time DC2 came along. She is just desperate to have the GC to herself. So, so weird. She even booked DH and I a night away at a super expensive spa a couple of months after DC1 was born. Obviously we didn't go as I was BF my newborn! She seemed to think it was a good suggestion that DC1 would stay with her. She was mightily offended too when we didn't go!

She won't change, though. Back in the UK for Xmas and she's already tried to book us some nights away, on the pretext that we need a break and she can have the kids. Erm, no, we have things planned and she has no business doing this.

I also did the same as liquidrevolution, the few times I had to work away, my MIL came to support DH with the children.

Sprinklestar Oh my God, that's so manipulative!! I'm glad you aren't going. Who would do that without asking first?!

Jedi - yes, I've already thought that when I am ready (whenever that may be), it'll be at our home where DD is comfortable. I wouldn't be happy with her being elsewhere either.

I used to tell people that I had ‘over-bonded’ with my baby and can’t let him out of my sight without becoming over-anguished.. I’d get funny looks but it did the trick.

I think the fact that she even talks about 'solving' the 'attachment issues' shows she's not on the same wavelength as you with regards to how you wish to parent your baby.
I didn't leave children with my own mother until they were over two, and that was not for very long. I'm lucky that my in laws are in another country, and my parents never even asked, as I assume they knew I wouldn't be leaving baby.

Just say no to her. You don't need to give an explanation.

She doesn't need to take the baby so they can have alone time or to help with attachment issues. I can't understand her thinking when she said that to you.

Born - manipulative is the word, you don't know the half of it!

I had a huge row with her last year and told her that if she carried on, she wouldn't be seeing the DC again. She stood there and said it wouldn't happen. I was kinda like, actually, yes, it will if you carry on. She'd backed off a little but slowly, slowly, she's upping the creepiness again. She has zero relationship with FIL and lives her life through us and BIL. We're the only ones with DC so get the brunt of her bizarre behaviour. I wish I'd been stronger when mine were smaller but I didn't have Mumsnet then!

I am assuming you are breastfeeding on demand, therefore totally inappropriate for MIL to take her. At 3 months I didn't even leave DD with DH mainly because it just wasn't practical, if she wanted feeding what was he going to do about it? It is actually extremely natural for such a young baby to spend all their time with their Mum for this very reason. Why someone would think such a natural thing would cause issues I don't understand. Maybe just point out that given you are EBF she needs to be with you and leave it at that. If she tries to push it still I wouldn't give any further explanation and just firmly say no. Good luck.

I’m a mum, step mum and MiL. I would never dream of saying ‘let me have the baby on my own, let me have private time with baby’. And yes, your MiLs views on ‘attachment’ seem ignorant and bizarre.

I have babysat, when asked, and stayed for a day while my darling stepdaughter went to a conference.

Please don’t think that all MiLs are the same, we don’t all want exclusive time with the grandchildren ..... unless their parents request it.

Always happy to help my son and his wife and my stepdaughter and her husband, and yes, it’s lovely being with grandchildren, whether babies, toddlers or older. But it’s ansolutely NOT a right.

The other MiL, on the other hand, is rather a terror, and pushes everyone out of the way to be the ‘very best nana’ in the world. Quite upsetting for us all.

I hope all goes well for you, you have had some lovely responses from other people here, which hopefully you have found helpful.

🌺✅

Tell her that you’re practising attachment parenting and you’ll get back to her when you’re good and ready.

These types of grandparents need to learn some boundaries and stop being selfish. It’s entirely natural for a mother to be with her baby or at least be nearby. The drive is instinctual and there for a good reason.

All these grandmothers want to do is ‘play dollies’ for a few hours anyway. Buy her a reborn for xmas

"I really appreciate the offer but we're nowhere near ready for it yet. When we are we will definitely take you up on it."

^this.

I would be quite hard if you can.

Something like 'the more you demand the less I feel inclined'. Or 'no, and I would prefer you to stop asking'.

If she falls out with you it will be good to stand your ground and to get it done now rather than put up with years of this.

I think it sounds like you've told her enough times, what is your husband doing in all this? he needs to step in and deal with his mother, she's clearly not listening to you or she wouldn't keep asking.

Argh. I had this from my PIL. I just said 'no' - I really didn't feel like I owed them an explanation. They finally babysat at our house for one evening when he was just over a year old... and failed to follow my very simple instructions. So it was another year before I was ready to let them have another go. They babysat for him for an hour and 30 minutes about two week ago (ds is now 27 months) and actually managed to do what I asked - although ds was asleep for the whole time so it wasn't exactly a challenge! Dd is due in Feb 2018, so I won't have to deal with this again until sometime in 2019 - maybe 2020 if I really push things!

My FIL is very controlling, sexist and totally insensitive so I am tough as nails with both of them. And it's starting to pay off - I never give them the opportunity to piss me off any more and it makes me like them better!

I agree with Bluesky. A strong bond with you now helps confidence for their entire lives.

Tell her that you are not good at expressing your milk and unless she can whip out a breast and cover for you, it's not going to work.

I was suspicious of people who became demanding about having my dc alone, without me.

Is she up to something? Maybe a secret baptism? Ear piercing? .

"I really appreciate the offer but we're nowhere near ready for it yet. When we are we will definitely take you up on it
^definitely this

The first time I left dd1 for a significant length of time she was 6 months old whilst I was at a job interview however I had introduced bottles (dd1 was bf) so I knew it would be ok - it was still hard though (plus my boobs were very uncomfortable by the time I got home)

Actually the way you said it to us IS perfect: “when I'm ready for someone to babysit I'll be grateful for the offers”

I think christmascardqueen is your MIL, OP.

I'm kind of going through this. My DS is 5 months. I'm nowhere near ready to leave them with my PIL. They're too loud around him and treat him more like a 1 year old. He screams at them after a few minutes. Yet on a few occasions when I've visited MIL she will ask where I'm going when leaving. I might being going to the supermarket or somewhere and she'll say leave him here. I've previously said, oh no he'll be hungry soon (bf excuse...) or he'll sleep in the car. I even explained I wasn't ready. That I want to be with him all the time at the minute, he doesn't settle for other people yet etc. I've been met with- well you'll need to at some point, Or, he'll be fine! My son is a real screamer. He'll cry at any given opportunity and has done since birth. The last time I was over. She was holding him and said TAKE HIM because he wouldn't stop crying. (I secretly thought tehehe... that'll stop her from asking) but as I was leaving she said oh just leave him while you go shopping. I just said, NO! I don't want to! So all the gently explaining went out of the window and I had to behave like a stroppy teen to get my point across. I've not been asked again but she has made a comment about Rebecca Vardy going into the jungle and leaving her kids, followed with, pfft!! Imagine what youd be like! Pah!
My response- well I just wouldn't go... If i don't leave him to go to the supermarket I ain't gonna get off to Australia to eat kangaroo balls.

Anyway, rant over. Be firm. Be prepared for the initial tantrums from MIL.

I'm now very intrigued about your previous MIL post!!!

My DIL has been so controlling with seeing her boys and how I should react to them when I do see them , my grandsons, I find I have no relationship with them at all. It's horrible because with my other grandchildren where I have been involved it works wonderfully. Lots of love goes round and help. Now she is jealous! And swipes at me.

I've had a similar story with my DD and MIL. I can see where she comes from; all of her friends had their grandkids around for sleepovers and trips out from 4-5 weeks and my DD has never slept overnight (and wont if I have my own way).

In my experience you need to be clear, consistent and repeat the same reason: No, we're not ready. No, it's not convenient.

My DH is going away this week for 2 days and she's already offering to come around and 'help' (her help isn't really any help at all).

This thread shows how common an experience it is, and I've seen threads about DMs and even DSisters doing it too. It's been observed with chimps and gorillas where female relatives hang around bothering and trying to entice or just plain snatch a young baby from a mother, wanting to take it away, hold and cuddle it. The mother usually nervously goes with it for a bit, but the female relative is then often very reluctant to give the baby back when the mother tries to take it, and will run away with it or fight. Maybe it's a similar retained instinct in humans.

maybe because you precious one are part of a family (joined via marriage or likewise) and you being and adult need to act like one and share. yes share the little one in good times and bad.

Are you joking?! Share? Seriously? She’s a baby, not a fucking toy to be shared ffs.

It’s not precious for a mother to not want to separated from her 3 month old to appease her bloody mil.

I truly will never understand the frankly bizarre desire that some grandparents have to be alone with their grandchildren. They’ve had their time as parents. Why do some want this so much? I don’t get it.

Keep saying no OP! Good luck 🙂