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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tell MIL no?

187 replies

BornSinner · 03/12/2017 16:59

More a WWYD but just posting for traffic.
DD is 3 months old. Shes EBF and with me all the time (as expected).
Everytime we see MIL she pushes taking DD for a few hours so we "can have some time to ourselves" or "to help with attachment issues".
Now don't get me wrong, I know she's genuinely trying to help and I'm sure when I'm ready for someone to babysit I'll be grateful for the offers. But seriously, everytime she says it I just smile and nod or say "well we'll let you know", but she's saying it so much its actually getting awkward now.
How can I politely tell her I'm not ready to leave DD with anyone? I want to just have a quick one liner that doesn't evoke conversation or invite her to start telling me about why it's important for DD to spend time with other people.
How can I make it clear without offending her?

NB - She does get easily offended by this kind of thing, unnecessarily.

OP posts:
Original poster
BornSinner · 03/12/2017 18:55

HopeClearwater - she definitely will cross boundaries, I'm going to have to learn to toughen up for sure!

ClashCityRocker - It's not like we're sea turtles or anything Grin

Takeoutyourhen - Sounds like your MIL just wants an opportunity to tote your DD around and show her off to her own friends and neighbours/passersby and so on. - that's exactly right.

I just find it a bit patronising when people masquerade as doing it to help me out when it's likely just for themselves.

OP posts:
TotemIcePole · 03/12/2017 18:58

to help with attachment issues

A 12 week old baby!

Its her thats got issues.

MotherCupboard · 03/12/2017 18:59

She's trying to be nice. Just say no thank you for now. Personally i think its good for a child to form relationships with their other relatives independently of their parents but not that young.

MammaTJ · 03/12/2017 19:02

Attachment issues are caused by babies who are really attached to their parents suddenly losing them, and by that I mean not having them with them when they should be! You cannot explain to a baby that small that Mummy will be back soon.

My DD was whisked off to a hospital 50 miles away without me when she was only a few hours old. I was not well enough to go with her. When she was being assessed for possible ADHD, the psych suggested it might instead be attachment issues caused by this period of 26 hours that she was away from me.

You keeping her with you all the time will make her feel secure and safe and more readily able to venture into the world when it is the correct time to do so!

Pengggwn · 03/12/2017 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IHeartKingThistle · 03/12/2017 19:06

What Jess said. I know it's hard but she's her grandma- why on earth wouldn't she want to spend time with her? Why is wanting to show her off a bad thing?

I remember being terribly protective of my babies, but I'm also seeing the grandma's side on this, I'm sorry. Can you just leave her for an hour or so to do some shopping, maybe at your house? Sounds like it would mean the world to her and I don't see that it would be the end of the world for you. Building relationships with grandparents is so important.

Somethingveryrandom · 03/12/2017 19:07

Was in the exact same position. Just keep repeating no thanks

Pinky333777 · 03/12/2017 19:07

This thread makes me wonder how I'm going to react to leaving my LO once he's here.
At the moment I'm all for giving grandparents some bonding time, even though I know I might find leaving him tough.
I didn't have grandparents around growing up, so I think that makes me eager to encourage a close relationship between my kids and my parents/in laws.
I'm very aware the baby and toddler stage is over in the blink of an eye, and why should nanna and grandpa miss out on the baby bit and having one on one bonding time just because I'm not ready?
Seems selfish to me atm, BUT I may very well (most probably will tbh) feel differently when baby is here in my arms.
I hope I can face leaving him, even if it's just for half an hour to give the grandparents that special time while he's still tiny x

MIL has to respect your feelings and choices though!
Could your oh have a word?

IHATEPeppaPig · 03/12/2017 19:09

I had this exact same issue with DC1 and I didn't say no - it ruined my time with DD and I deeply resent my MIL for this. I have been very good at saying no with DC2 and I'm much happier.

Your baby is 3 months old, I would be worried if they weren't attached to you. Just saying something along the lines of 'thank you but I'm not ready to leave DC yet..' as other pp's have said.

Please stick to your guns though and don't have your time ruined like I did. Although, if you are struggling always accept help, MIL could sit in your house for a few hours whilst you have a sleep for instance - whatever you are comfortable with.

Ragwort · 03/12/2017 19:12

I am sure she is trying to be kind and it's hard for DMs or DMILs to get it right - I had no DM or DMIL living near me when I had my DS and I would have loved some 'me time' - in fact a neighbour was kind enough to look after DS for an hour or so whilst I went for a walk on my own. Grin

But we are all different, you just have to be assertive with your DMIL and let her know that you will take up her offer to babysit when you are ready.

LagunaBubbles · 03/12/2017 19:14

Ok you're not ready to leave your baby so you just need to be honest with her. I just knew someone would advise you to day to her she's "had her turn", please dont thats very rude and at the end of the day shes your DHs Mum and your babies Gran, yes manage your boundaries but saying that about turns could just cause needless upset and potential problems in the relationship in the future.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 03/12/2017 19:17

I find it grating and well when its presented as a favour! Why can't she just say I'd love to hold the baby etc. Why the need to have the baby alone?!

ChocolateWombat · 03/12/2017 19:17

Just say 'it's really kind of you to keep offering, but I just feel I want to keep her with me all the time at the moment - am really enjoying it. But when the time is right, you will be the first to know and I know she'll love having time with Granny'

Or every time she asks, just smile and say 'Not ready for that yet....I will let you know when I am' and repeat exactly the same thing every time she asks.

She might not understand or think you are 'making a rod for your own back' etc etc but it is up to you.

itshappening · 03/12/2017 19:17

I find this really odd, when my siblings' children were little no grandparent on either my side or in laws ever suggested that they should have sole charge of them. I am sure they would have helped if needed to, but this idea of having the child to themselves or having a baby or toddler overnight as I have also seen on here just never came up.

itshappening · 03/12/2017 19:20

Perhaps you could laugh and say 'I don't think that would work at this stage but maybe in a year or two', then she will hopefully not repeat the offer next week. If she persists with nonsense about attachment get your DH to have a quiet word asking her politely to give it a rest.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 03/12/2017 19:20

This isn't your fight.

Get DP to be direct.

Lovely offer but she's pushing when she knows you're not ready - not okay!

Original poster
BornSinner · 03/12/2017 19:23

For those saying it's important to build a relationship with GP's - of course!! Which is why we visit them every weekend with DD and they pop round whenever they're passing.
I'm not being harsh, I've not left DD with my mum yet either, and won't till I'm ready. I've said this to my mum and she hasn't kept pushing. It's the persistency that makes it frustrating.

OP posts:
daisypond · 03/12/2017 19:27

In the future when I need a baby sitter of course I will come to you
Just be careful that when your baby does spend time alone with grandma it is most definitely not when you need a babysitter - that would be very using and not kind.

kaytee87 · 03/12/2017 19:32

@daisypond why not? Until a child is old enough to express a preference for going out with granny or whatever then why shouldn't it be when you need a baby sitter? I would think most people are only apart from their babies/toddlers when they need a babysitter....

perfectstorm · 03/12/2017 19:32

Get her this book and excitedly say you know how much she wants to be involved in DD's life as she grows, and what an open minded and scientifically aware lady she is, so you wanted to share this with her.

AdaColeman · 03/12/2017 19:34

A three month old baby is supposed to be attached to its mother!

When she next asks you, as she will, just say firmly but politely "No, I'm not doing that. I'll be the one who decides when baby is ready to leave me."
Don't get into any discussion about it, and don't apologise for what you are saying, walk away from MIL if need be.

mummmy2017 · 03/12/2017 19:35

Since your MIL wants to push the buggy and be with your baby, why don't you arrange shopping days with her, because that's all she really wants, if you go out together and let your MIL change her nappy while your there to watch, she will be happy. honest...
Then as you grow more relaxed about motherhood, you can arrange to get your hair done and let MIL have the baby for an hour in the town, but will only really be mins away...
Make friends with this Woman, as she will be around for ages, and when you do want a meal out, you will be happy to know your baby is safe, and content in Granny's care.

kaytee87 · 03/12/2017 19:36

@Pinky333777 grandparents don't need alone bonding time, parents do. Grandparents can build up a loving and trusting relationship with the parents right there until the parents / child are otherwise ready.
I grew up very close to my grandparents and not once did they babysit when I was tiny.
It is absolutely not selfish to not want your small child to be away from you.

AdaColeman · 03/12/2017 19:38

Actually MIL sounds as if she is trying to brow beat you into doing what she wants.
Keep those boundaries well in place with MIL, start as you mean to go on, or she will try to dominate you over other things too.

Ttbb · 03/12/2017 19:41

Just keep it to the practice "as soon as she has learned to drink from a bottle we'll let you know". If she digs further just say "we've tried getting her to drink from the bottle but she just spurs it out."