Ex girlfriend and new partner, please advise!

[Difficultsitch]

The relationship with my DH ex girlfriend and him is strained . They have a DD of 6. A new boyfriend has recently come on to the scene and staying over in the house with my DH DD which is fine but the ex is refusing to let DH know anything about him . Where does he stand?
Please help if you can .

It’s none of his business unfortunately. Unless he has genuine cause for concern about his ex being a protective parent it is no different than you being in the house with their child

Well she doesn't really have to tell him anything.

What is it that he wants to know?

Just who he is . He's sleeping in the house with his DD so he wants to know who he is , thats all.

It's perfectly natural that a caring dad is concerned about a new person staying in his daughter's house but I don't think there's much he can do about it unless there are actual concerns.
I think he just needs to monitor his daughter's behaviour for any changes and hope that she would tell him if anything were amiss.
I hope it works out for all of you.

It's none of his business, unless he actually has concerns about the mother's ability to safeguard the child then he just needs to let it lie.

Speaking from first hand experience.

It's actually none of his business. His Ex has parental rights of her own and does not need his approval before introducing a new partner. What exactly would your DH do if she did share information about this new bloke and he didn't like what he heard? She's an adult and doesn't need his permission, just the same as he didn't need her permission when he married you. I presume that he provided his Ex with a full character sketch on you when you first got together? Who you are, what you do etc?

Has he tried approaching the subject in a reasonable and pleasant manner? You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar yadda yadda.

Invite them both over for dinner? Or arrange a family day out somewhere neutral for all five of you?

I don't think he's wrong to want to meet the new bloke (although he doesn't have a right to demand anything)- but assuming you're all decent adults with the child's interests at heart, then I don't see the situation can't be resolved in a mature fashion.

Do you have concerns about her judgement? Does she feel unnecessarily bullied by your DH?

maybe she has concerns about you?

Thank you everyone.
She knows me, insisted on meeting me which we were happy to arrange.

We've always been open and kind.

It seems we can't do anything then, but thank you all. Does it make a difference that he still owns half the house she lives in would anyone know?

I think the “he has no right to know” is absolute bullshit, no way in hell would I want my child living with someone who deliberately wasn’t being upfront with me. I’d afford the same courtesy to XH despite him being a prick in fact I did when I met DP. He however, didn’t an introduced DS1 to who knows how many women who didn’t want me to know about them. Inevitably something dodgy came out later. Having said that DS1s SM is lovely, and wanted to meet me and be open and upfront from the start which I actually really respected and appreciated.

Thank you Not, that is how we feel. Just common courtesy but more importantly it's in the interests of his DD that we are all in the loop so to speak.

Chances are he's a perfectly nice and normal man but we don't know and that's the upset.

Does it make a difference that he still owns half the house she lives in would anyone know?

No, it doesn't make any difference. You don't own her romantic life, nor does it make her some sort of tenant/employee/underling whose sexual partners you get a say over.

The key to this problem seems to be in your first sentence - "their relationship is strained". Is there anything that he could do to make this less strained, and hence make her more likely to feel relaxed about you guys meeting the new man?

Perhaps we are being unreasonable then. I hadn't realised people would be perfectly relaxed about a strange man in the same house as their small DD.

Thank you everyone.

I can understand him wanting to know but legally he has no right to know unless he has concerns - eg ex has brought new partners before who have been of concern- in which case he could share concern with social services.

The presumption is ex keeps her child safe and has a right to a private life. The man could be perfectly decent and nice - it is the relationship between your DH and his ex that is the problem.

But I sympathise. I would want to know who my child was living with.

OK that puts a different complexion on things. TBH I don't see anything wrong at all with wanting to know who is being introduced to your kids as a 'significant adult' in their lives, but the law as it stands says that your DH has zero rights to this info.

However if she insisted on meeting you, then I'd go with Saucy's suggestion. You do tend to get better results if you try and go gently, as frustrating and unfair as it is! Will she speak with you? If so could you approach her and suggest a coffee somewhere for the four of you to get together for a half hour or so - with a wee reminder that she met you, so hopefully she'll understand the intentions behind the request.

@Difficultsitch to be honest actively blocking her Dad meeting the new boyfriend is really odd. It’s someone (like you) who is going to be a big part of her daily life, it’s only right that he should meet him.

Perhaps we are being unreasonable then. I hadn't realised people would be perfectly relaxed about a strange man in the same house as their small DD.

I don't think anybody would be totally relaxed about it, but there's far too many jealous/spiteful/abusive people out there who want to use such circumstances as a tool to exert control over their ex.

If the mother takes good care of the child and has a good track record for keeping the child safe, then the mum should be trusted to make sure a new partner is safe to be around the child.

My kids mum, however, managed to date a string of drug dealers and child abusers. Funnily enough, that was something I was able to address...

You can ask the local police, I think it's called Sarah's Law ? They will tell you if there is anything bad to tell. Also check his name out on this list, you can search by name or area.
theukdatabase.com
Personally I would want to know.

Clare’s Law is for history of DV, Sarah’s Law is for convictions for child abuse. Both checks may be useful.

Thank you . We would need to know his name which she is withholding from us, sadly.

That’s really odd. Why the secrecy if everything is ok?

You could tell the police their address and get them to check?

We don't know why she isn't telling and I suppose that's the worry. I expect it's just to exert control and be difficult.

Difficultsitch
We don't know why she isn't telling and I suppose that's the worry. I expect it's just to exert control and be difficult.

Or maybe because of the 'strained' situation she doesn't want to share details yet.

You don't mention previous concerns about her parenting skills, so why now? Unless it's to be demanding and awkward. It may be a 'new' boyfriend to you, but she could have been seeing him months before getting to this point.