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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex girlfriend and new partner, please advise!

305 replies

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 08:07

The relationship with my DH ex girlfriend and him is strained . They have a DD of 6. A new boyfriend has recently come on to the scene and staying over in the house with my DH DD which is fine but the ex is refusing to let DH know anything about him . Where does he stand?
Please help if you can .

OP posts:
SnipSnipMrBurgess · 21/11/2017 11:28

Why does the mother suddenly have poor judgement? If your dp was that concerned he should gave gone for full custody.

It has nothing to do with you. The "we " in your sentences is annoying, possessive and controlling too.

How controlling is it to think you have a veto on who comes and goes in the house just because he owns half?
The drip feed about the abuse is ridiculous. Who told you That?Him?

Notreallyarsed · 21/11/2017 11:48

@shutitandtidyupgitface actually yes you can, under Clare’s Law and Sarah’s Law. If there’s nothing to tell they tell you that.

Do none of you seriously check who your children spend time with? Or is it because it’s Dad and stepmum that there’s such an issue? Because I’m picky about who my kids are around, it’s my job to keep them safe.

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 11:49

No one is saying she has poor judgement. Just that it is a bit concerning that she is refusing to tell my DH anything at all about her new man including his name.

OP posts:
Splinterz · 21/11/2017 11:51

Just that it is a bit concerning that she is refusing to tell my DH anything at all about her new man including his name.

He's going to have to get his head round the fact its none of his business.

Lethaldrizzle · 21/11/2017 11:52

It's completely the father's business! What a dispiriting way to bring up children.

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 11:54

When does it become his business?

OP posts:
Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 11:55

Seriously? When does it become his concern? Because, of course, no child is ever abused, beaten, murdered by mum's new bloke are they?

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 21/11/2017 11:55

He's going to have to get his head round the fact its none of his business

So what is his function as a parent then if not to keep his child safe and be kept in the loop?

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 11:56

That's the problem isn't it? He can't keep her safe at the moment.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 21/11/2017 11:57

I hope that the posters who say it is none of the exs business never end up in that position.

Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 11:57

Difficultsitch
No one is saying she has poor judgement. Just that it is a bit concerning that she is refusing to tell my DH anything at all about her new man including his name.

I'm not sure I would consider it 'concerning'. It's clearly better to say nothing than to lie, which of course would be a lot easier. It might simply be someone he knows and she doesn't want him saying anything that could hinder her relationship.

AND as someone already said, you don't know for sure how involved he is as yet. Or how long they've been dating. Or anything really.

Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 11:59

Difficultsitch
When does it become his business?

When his child shows behaviour or injury or speaks of something that raises concern for their welfare.

Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 12:02

sailorcherries
I hope that the posters who say it is none of the exs business never end up in that position

I have. My ex had my kids to start with one weekend a month. He'd moved in with his new girlfriend 2 weeks after we split. I didn't know her surname, her address or anything about her. I had to accept that whilst not a particularly hands on Dad he was capable of keeping them safe. I didn't like it, but that's how the law works unfortunately.

I did get told the address a while down the line, but to this day I've never stepped foot in their home.

He dropped contact after a year or so, with random odd visits.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 21/11/2017 12:05

"no one is saying she has poor judgement"

Only that she's been abusive. Which is pretty poor judgement surely? And yet still you and your partner are heavily invested in her new boyfriend and who he is.

Legally your partner can not force her to tell him anything about this person she's seeing. And I really don't understand why it's such a sticking point tbh. Sounds like maybe the ex is "difficult and controlling" but your partner and you don't sound much better.

LoverOfCake · 21/11/2017 12:09

The problem is that legally it is none of his business.

Morally he may want to know who his child is spending time with, but this is literally one of the impacts of a couple separating, that child's life essentially gets split in half, with each parent having their own family and friends etc.

And it goes way beyond just the introduction of new partners, but we focus on new partners because they potentially stay over in the house. But the couple will have different friends, will have extended family who they may go and stay with for instance, the new partner may have children of their own and those children may be adults with their own partners and extended families. The partner's children may have friends over to play and consequently their parents may come over, the list is endless.

So while in some ways it's normal to have some concern about a new partner, I think that we need to be honest here and say that the majority of people who feel that it's their right to meet other people their child comes into contact with and that that right should only applies to new partners most likely do have their own (albeit probably sub-conscious) agenda and reasons for wanting that.

Because it is literally not possible to demand to meet everyone the child comes into contact with during access visits, and any one of those people could be of equal risk to the child.

He has to trust his ex at this stage to do the best by her child, and while I don't agree with double standards which appear to have been applied here, what's done is done and in the future he may well wish to keep his cards closer to his chest.

If there were previous concerns these should have been raised long before a new partner entered the scene. If not, why not?

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 12:12

Loverof cake, that''s a very wise post thank you.

I'm sure it will all work out.

OP posts:
LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 21/11/2017 12:14

Btw my ex has a new victim girlfriend according to our eldest DC. I have literally no interest in meeting this woman. She will only be an interest to me if she does anything to harm my children. my job as a mother is to listen to them and look out for any signs they are upset. Until then, good luck to her. She's going to need it.

Lethaldrizzle · 21/11/2017 12:17

I'd also be wondering why the relationship is so bad between your boyfriend and his ex

KKOKK · 21/11/2017 12:18

Unless when you meet him he has an “i’m a paedophile” t-shirt on, which is presumably what you are so worried about, I don’t see how meeting him will help at any rate. She is the mother of the child, she would not, short of being a maniac herself, introduce danger to her daughters life intentionally.

I think you’re in danger of stirring up trouble. He is no more likely to be a danger than your H is he?

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 12:22

He doesnt want to meet him. He just like a name, that's all. Im really wondering now if that's actually unreasonable?

OP posts:
Battleax · 21/11/2017 12:23

So does he want the name to go and request a Sarah's Law check with?

Or just to have the name?

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 12:26

I think just a name battleax . A quick google and yes, I KNOW that won't give everything but just a name, a face you know?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 12:27

But maybe she doesn't want to give the name until she is sure it is going to be a long term relationship and he is going to become part of their lives?

Or does she have to tell him the name of every person she starts to see?

KKOKK · 21/11/2017 12:28

It sounds more and more like he is the one with a control issue. If he just wants to know the blokes name, and nothing else it’s just power playing isn’t it.

Leave the woman alone.

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 12:31

Personally if somebody was around my child and sleeping in the house with her I'd want to know a little bit about who this person is