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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex girlfriend and new partner, please advise!

305 replies

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 08:07

The relationship with my DH ex girlfriend and him is strained . They have a DD of 6. A new boyfriend has recently come on to the scene and staying over in the house with my DH DD which is fine but the ex is refusing to let DH know anything about him . Where does he stand?
Please help if you can .

OP posts:

Battleax · 21/11/2017 20:01

Hello you should go and make friends with MNer who called the police oh her neighbours' bumper stickers. And the MRAs.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 21/11/2017 20:06

Well exactly battleax how selfish of us single mothers who decide to date again, are lucky enough to find someone who treats us nicely and are excellent role models to introduce our children to? 🙄

My children are at more risk from their biological father. And that's according to the bloody social worker.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/11/2017 20:06

You cant beat MN for sexism can you?!

A woman can demand to know who her ex is living with, to the point of insisting on meeting her and thats fine, but if the man later asks for the same consideration he is controlling, abusive, paranoid and should mind his own business!

Hellomaryimback · 21/11/2017 20:09

battelaxe why should I go and make friends with MRA? I'm a woman myself.

I'm also a member of a child sex abuse survivor forum when there are hundreds of accounts where the mothers new bloke abused the child.

It's incredibly stupid that you don't think this happens.

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 20:12

Who has said it doesn't happen?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 21/11/2017 20:13

I personally don't think it's fine to make those demands on either side. You can ask, you can suggest, and I'm sure it's just lovely for everyone all round, albeit a little bit awkward. But you can't demand to vet the new partner.

As long as any new partner treats my children nicely and doesn't start telling me how to look after them I personally couldn't give a fuck who my ex dates. And even if I did there wouldn't be any point.

Hellomaryimback · 21/11/2017 20:16

Well what's the problem with asking who the new man is then? nicky

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 20:18

I didn't say there was a problem asking? I said no one was saying that abuse doesn't happen but you can only expect a parent to do their best to prevent that.

Battleax · 21/11/2017 20:21

'm also a member of a child sex abuse survivor forum when there are hundreds of accounts where the mothers new bloke abused the child.

It's incredibly stupid that you don't think this happens.

Not once have I suggested that it doesn't happen.

You are wildly overestimating the likelihood, however, and now we have a clue as to why.

Battleax · 21/11/2017 20:23

A woman can demand to know who her ex is living with, to the point of insisting on meeting her and thats fine

Why do you think it's a sex-specific thing?

Julie8008 · 21/11/2017 20:26

On MN if the mother has a new partner sleeping over with DD in the house the Dad has no right to know anything.

If it was the father with a new partner sleeping in the house with DD then the mother would have every right on MN to stop visitation until she knew all details about the new partner.

Battleax · 21/11/2017 20:27

Link Julie or Pang?

Hellomaryimback · 21/11/2017 20:31

You are wildly overestimating the likelihood, however, and now we have a clue as to why

Actually I'm not widely overestimating, I know that not all new partners are not abuser but it's always best to err on the cautious side. Single mothers are known targets for abusers, Sexual and violence because they are in a vunerable position.

The fact your trying to use the site I said I was a member of to push your own point is pretty vile by the way, maybe you should go back to your

OR maybe you should go and pall up with the MRA battleaxe

Hellomaryimback · 21/11/2017 20:32

battle you havnt really got much to add to the thread now have you?

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 20:34

hello to be fair, you brought it up. Not battleax.

Would you rather children stayed with the father in the event of a separation then? Prevents a step father figure living with children?

NewLove · 21/11/2017 20:47

As others have said - none has yet said why it is acceptable for the mother to demand to meet the girlfriend (who own all likelihood the kids will only see once a fortnight) but the dad can't ask about the boyfriend (who the kids will be living with full time)?

Hellomaryimback · 21/11/2017 20:48

No not at all Nicky, that is not my point but I think you know that already.

Single mothers are vunerable towards predatory men. A quick google search will find plenty of case.

When you have children the focus should be on their wellbeing - not trying hide your new boyfriends name - for what ever reason.

I know I brought the group up, but battle tried to use it it a snidey way. Unpleasant

Nicknacky · 21/11/2017 20:49

hello well what is the solution then? I don't need to google. I have personally dealt with cases.

poppingmyheadin · 21/11/2017 20:50

Skimmed a bit over some of the responses, but having been in a similar position no OP I don't think your DP is being unreasonable.

Legally - pp are correct your DP has no legal right to know.

Morally - it's a bit weird, especially as they had to know all about you (same as with my now DH - every last detail must be known).

The gut feeling of is something being hidden. Nought about control, just that gut feeling of something off, may not be nothing, but when it comes to your DCs it's hard to ignore.

In the end of many weird situations (not going into them as potentially outing) - nothing major but just set my I'm not sure of this...... gut something not quite right ... I employed a Private Investigator.

Found the ex was taking my DS to a house with people who had multiple identities (seriously loads of names) and low level criminal convictions - and often leaving him there without him, with the on off GF - who also had let's call it an interesting record. Doesn't sound like much, but it explained a lot and explained why I couldn't have a name, or wasn't "allowed" to know where my DS was at the weekend.

It was enough to change the custody arrangements back in court.

See how it plays out, if there is something making your DP uncomfortable or if things with the DC don't seem right - there are ways to check, that at the very least will set minds at rest or at worst evoke action to protect.

Battleax · 21/11/2017 20:58

Hello you haven't explained or apologised for the casual misogyny of;

Single mothers are always in a very vunerable situation when they bring new men in to the house, very few bother to check what kind of man they are inviting in to be around their kids

Hellomaryimback · 21/11/2017 21:23

battle finished your wine yet?

You won't be getting an apology out of me.

Children who live with a single parent that has a live-in partner are at the highest risk of sexual abuse: they are 20 times more likely to be victims of sexual abuse than children living with both biological parents.

Lonely, financially struggling women are easy targets. I honestly can't be arsed engaging with younaby more as your not bringing anything to the thread.

nicky I don't know how you would solve the problem as a whole. There are too many variables to police everyone . In an ideal world every one would be transparent when their kids were involved but it doesn't always play out like that.

I would like to think if you were serious about the man you have met and want him to spend real time around your kids, you'd do at least a bit of a back ground check.

Battleax · 21/11/2017 21:26

Lonely, financially struggling women are easy targets. I honestly can't be arsed engaging with younaby more as your not bringing anything to the thread.

So essentially you're conflating "single parents" with "lonely, financially struggling women"?

GottadoitGottadoit · 21/11/2017 21:27

I wonder if the child's dad asked in a maybe pompous or aggressive manner details about this man, it got his ex partners back up and she's now stubbornly digging her heels in?

My money's on this.

My ex wouldn't dream of asking me my boyfriends name, and although I would be dying of curiosity I wouldn't ask him about his gf.

Although we can't stand each other, we both trust each other to adequately safeguard our child.

crimsonlake · 21/11/2017 21:34

But it is not a strange man, it will be someone your partner ex wife trusts. This so annoys me, when an ex tries to retrain some control over over his ex partner. As for your comment about your partner still owning half the home....that comment will have been purely made as he is planning to try to lay down the law who can stay there overnight. He is being ridiculous and no wonder relationships are strained.

GottadoitGottadoit · 21/11/2017 22:00

Why would him owning half the house mean that he had any rights, that he otherwise wouldn't, to know about her love life?

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