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Original poster

Ex girlfriend and new partner, please advise!

305 replies

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 08:07

The relationship with my DH ex girlfriend and him is strained . They have a DD of 6. A new boyfriend has recently come on to the scene and staying over in the house with my DH DD which is fine but the ex is refusing to let DH know anything about him . Where does he stand?
Please help if you can .

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/11/2017 12:31

Ok first off are you saying she is abusive and controlling?

Look at it from her perspective in effect you are questioning her judgement by demanding to know a name - and are seeing her as being difficult and controlling whereas actually you are by trying to control this situation

So first question how exactly do you know about this boyfriend and he is on the scene.

Secondly your sd is 6 - she will be able to tell you (either directly or through her behaviour) if something is wrong. If she doesnt and everything ticks over quite normally then you are just going to have to accept it.

Battleax · 21/11/2017 12:32

I'm wondering what the ex would say if she was on the thread.

Could it be that she would say she feels that he gets to go through the very early stages of a relationship in privacy but she doesn't?

Battleax · 21/11/2017 12:34

Maybe "a quick google" is a bit creepy in any case. I can't quite decide.

Talith · 21/11/2017 12:35

You and your DP aren't the relationship police. Either she is fit to look after the child or she is not. If she is fit to look after the child then she will be taking care not to put the child at any kind of risk (like you presumably do when she's with you), and who she sees is none of your business. How do you know that she, as a responsible parent hasn't done a police check on him herself?

If in your estimation she isn't fit to look after the child then why haven't you taken this up with the courts or sought to remove the child from risk already? You can't suddenly decide she's unfit based on a relationship you know nothing about, and with no evidence to the contrary. I understand it's hard but like others have said, when families separate there will be an awful lot that you aren't entitled to know about. It sucks. I really do understand but you can't police her relationships.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 21/11/2017 12:35

Hmm someone is coming across as controlling but it sounds more like it's your partner than his ex. He needs to back right off. I don't blame the ex for not wanting to tell him anything about this new man.

Splinterz · 21/11/2017 12:38

That's the problem isn't it? He can't keep her safe at the moment.

Why is the DD unsafe at the moment ?

Cakefortea1 · 21/11/2017 12:38

But what can you do even if you know a name? They could tell you John Smith & you could google but there may be more than one. It’s not going to tell you anything!

Splinterz · 21/11/2017 12:39

He doesnt want to meet him. He just like a name, that's all. Im really wondering now if that's actually unreasonable?

And what will he do with the name?

Splinterz · 21/11/2017 12:40

I think just a name battleax . A quick google and yes, I KNOW that won't give everything but just a name, a face you know?

A name AND a face.

Full on stalkery really

Tell me again who had the abuse and the control issues in teirrelationship?

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 12:41

If the ex is unsure about the relationship or it's early days she should not have him around her dd in the first place

Dad has a right to know jst like mum felt she had a right to know. If new bf is staying at dd home and spending time around her dad should know who this man is

Lethaldrizzle · 21/11/2017 12:43

i guess there are variables we don't know (unless they've been answered up thead) - how long have you been with your partner? how long has your partner been split up from his ex? why are things so toxic now? it takes two to tango and two to split up - from experience, its always better for everyone but most importantly the kids, to keep relations good after a split - why is the ex feeling so defensive - do you think its all her fault, or could your partner also be part of the problem....

Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 12:45

Olivetappas
If the ex is unsure about the relationship or it's early days she should not have him around her dd in the first place

No-one knows what stage the relationship is at. She could have been seeing him a year and only just let him meet her child.

Dad has a right to know jst like mum felt she had a right to know. If new bf is staying at dd home and spending time around her dad should know who this man is

That's the thing though. He doesn't have a right to know. Just as the mother didn't. Just because they chose to indulge her, doesn't mean she has to return the favour.

LittleOwl153 · 21/11/2017 12:45

Have only skimmed the thread - so sorry if someone else has said...
In terms of the house, how come she lives in it and he owns half? You say ex-girlfirend so I assume no marriage/divorce to apportion house? If there is an agreement over the house - does her moving someone in - as opposed to someone staying over - I'm not sure which is happening make a difference to this? Is this why she is being defensive?

Battleax · 21/11/2017 12:45

If the ex is unsure about the relationship or it's early days she should not have him around her dd in the first place

Every relationship has early days and slowly develops.

If the sudden demands from the ex for info came very soon after new BF meeting the DD (and innocently telling her dad?) I imagine that could be irritating.

I can definitely imagine a POV for the ex which would explain her digging her heels in about the demands.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 21/11/2017 12:46

I'm sorry but I'm not getting all this 'None of his business' malarkey.
If someone I didn't know was sleeping in a house with my child.
I damn well want to know who they were

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 12:46

Racine 1973
I disagree

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 12:48

Rachie1973
I disagree a parent should know who is around their child
Especially concerning a man and young daughter

Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 12:49

Olivetappas
Racine 1973
I disagree

You can disagree all you like, but the that's the law unfortunately.

Hissy · 21/11/2017 12:52

I'm sorry but I'm not getting all this 'None of his business' malarkey.
If someone I didn't know was sleeping in a house with my child.
I damn well want to know who they were

Except it's NOT your business. the child is with it's parent.

In my view, the OP was daft to submit to being vetted.

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 12:55

Have u heard of Sarah's law

expatinspain · 21/11/2017 12:57

But why just want to know a name? If it's a common name, hoe would you even find out who they were even if you did google etc. You'd need more details than that.

I had a lot of trouble with my ex when I decided to move in with DP. He wasn't bothered about the relationship prior to that. Then it became an excuse to control me and I ended up having to get the police involved, because of threats, abusing behaviour etc. At no point did he ask DD what she thought of DP or even ever discuss him with her.

Has your DH talked to his daughter and asked her about him? If not and he's just focussing on getting a name to google him, that would be a massive red flag to me. An open and honest relationship with his daughter, where she feels confident to tell him anything is the best and only thing he can do in this situation. Also, working on the strained relationship with her mother, as far as he can, is the way forward too.

shutitandtidyupgitface · 21/11/2017 12:59

If someone I didn't know was sleeping in a house with my child.I damn well want to know who they were

Well duh, of course you would, we all would. But you wouldn't have any actual right to know.

It's not a difficult concept to understand.

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 13:00

Sarah’s Law, or the Child Sex Offender Disclosure Scheme allows parents, carers and guardians to ask the police to tell them if someone has a criminal record for child sexual offences.
The scheme is for any member of the public who wants to find out if an individual in contact with a child has a record of child sexual offences.

Olivetappas · 21/11/2017 13:00

So yes you do have a right

shutitandtidyupgitface · 21/11/2017 13:01

Thats not the same thing though.