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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex girlfriend and new partner, please advise!

305 replies

Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 08:07

The relationship with my DH ex girlfriend and him is strained . They have a DD of 6. A new boyfriend has recently come on to the scene and staying over in the house with my DH DD which is fine but the ex is refusing to let DH know anything about him . Where does he stand?
Please help if you can .

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 10:15

Notreallyarsed
You could tell the police their address and get them to check?

No you couldn't, you can't just rock up to a police station and say 'My ex has a new boyfriend and she won't tell me about him, can you run a background check please?'.

Its at best an invasion of privacy, and at worst quite possibly an illegal act.

ilovegin112 · 21/11/2017 10:18

The trouble is the strained relationship, what happened to cause that? If she feels that your dh is being an arse it will probably put her back up (not saying he is). Maybe it's his best friend or cousin or somebody like that

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/11/2017 10:19

I understand wanting to know who is spending time with a child but ultimately you have to trust that the other parent is doing their job and keeping the child safe.

Demanding to know details of a partner won't get anyone anywhere and if things are strained they'll become even more so if your DH goes in guns-blazing. Can he go over and see her and explain how he feels about the situation in a non-antagonistic way, or are things too far gone for that?

Rachie1973 · 21/11/2017 10:22

Difficultsitch
I expect it's just to exert control and be difficult.

Think about what you're saying.

Who is she exerting control over? Not you. Not your partner. Just her own life.

To be difficult. What difficulty is this causing you? How is it effecting your life?

To be honest the chances are she's sat at home saying 'my ex wants to know so he can control and be difficult'

JacquesHammer · 21/11/2017 10:22

Whether you have any right to or not I think it says a lot about a relationship - and a positive co-parenting relationship - if both parties are open.

My ex's (now) wife asked to meet me before our DD. I was really touched that she asked and we are friends in our own right.

Lelloteddy · 21/11/2017 10:26

Did she run police checks on you before she allowed her daughter to stay over?

Mynametodaywillbe · 21/11/2017 10:27

There are plenty of arguments to say that he should be able to meet this man but legally he has absolutely no rights. It's not fair his ex wanted it different when it was the other way round but there's nothing to be done except try to improve communication.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 21/11/2017 10:28

Has your partner's little girl said anything about mummy's new boyfriend that has caused concern? If not I think I would drop it for now unless the ex has form for poor parenting/questionable choices. Hopefully she will be more forthcoming soon.

As for asking the police to go around and vet the exes new man, can they even do that?! That's the sort of controlling crazy thing my abusive ex would do. He hasn't met my new partner either and won't be ever if partner and I have our way. Nothing dodgy about DP just best to keep them apart.

BarryTheKestrel · 21/11/2017 10:31

Do you have any mutual friends/ friends of DH that are still friendly with her?

They may have a name or be able to locate something on social media to allow you to learn more about the man.

My ex DPs Ex wife did this with her new partner and the kids. It took a few weeks but with some snooping we got a name and found that she was being so secretive as the new man was a friend of Ex DPs. It may be as simple as that.

LoverOfCake · 21/11/2017 10:34

The thing is, unless this man actually has a string of convictions for anything what does your DP hope to achieve by meeting him?

In principle there's nothing wrong with wanting to meet your child's other potential step parent, however if relationships are already strained between them I would be wondering whether this is simply a control tactic on both sides i.e. The father is saying he has the right to meet the other bloke etc etc and the mother is saying that he doesn't and as such she refuses to give him his name and so on.

I met my eXH's partner fairly early into their relationship, but tbh she didn't show her true colours until later down the track, so other than essentially knowing who she was meeting her didn't actually achieve anything iyswim.

Ultimately part of not being together any more means that both partners will introduce people into their children's lives who the other partner doesn't know. Not just step parents, but families of step parents, step cousins, step siblings and so on, and any one of these people could have an influence in your child's life, it doesn't only take staying in the same house for that to be a factor iyswim.

Original poster
Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 10:38

Wise words, thank you all.
Yes, time to be patient I think.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 21/11/2017 10:42

I think the double standards she is practising speaks volumes. She demanded that she meet you but won't give your DH the same courtesy? That's just petty.

I told my ex about current OH and my previous ex and told him when DS would be meeting them. It was out of being polite and respecting that a father might want to know who is around his child. He his his girlfriend for over 2 years and purposefully had her leave before I collected DS because it was "none of my business and he didn't need to show me the respect I showed him". As it stood when I did finally meet her she was polite and friendly, as was I. Ex just enjoyed that percieves control.

shutitandtidyupgitface · 21/11/2017 10:46

I think the “he has no right to know” is absolute bullshit, no way in hell would I want my child living with someone who deliberately wasn’t being upfront with me

It doesn't matter how you feel about it, he doesn't in fact have any right to know. That is just a fact.
And no, you can't get the police to find out who he is either.

I hadn't realised people would be perfectly relaxed about a strange man in the same house as their small DD.

Did anyone say they would be perfectly relaxed?

CupofFrothyCoffee · 21/11/2017 10:48

Perhaps we are being unreasonable then

You're not being unreasonable. I think any decent person would tell the father/mother of their child, who is moving into the house and sharing a life with their child.

My DP had the exact same situation with his ex recently. She moved a man in, told the kids not to tellShock. Funnily enough, when I met DP she insisted on meeting me, questioned if we were in a serious relationship etc...obviously the same rules didn't apply to her.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/11/2017 10:49

I can understand he wants to know. And in an ideal world his ex would be open and friendly about it

But he has no right to know and no right to demand to know

Splinterz · 21/11/2017 10:51

We don't know why she isn't telling and I suppose that's the worry. I expect it's just to exert control and be difficult.

Or the flip[ side could be that your DH was the controlling one in the relationship and she is keeping her business private.

What screams volumes is that neither you nor DH seem to assume she has any good judgement in picking her partner/s. Which is in a way, ironic, given your DH is her exP.

It's none of your business who she is seeing, when, how, and why. And as soon as your DH gets over the fact he no longer has any control over his exP the happier he will be.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 21/11/2017 10:52

You don't mention previous concerns about her parenting skills, so why now? Unless it's to be demanding and awkward

Um no, it's because this man could be anybody..a criminal, dodgy background, violent thug, drug dealer...or just a nice decent man...but the secrecy would ring alarm bells for me.

Splinterz · 21/11/2017 10:55

I think any decent person would tell the father/mother of their child, who is moving into the house and sharing a life with their child.

The OP doesnt say anything about moving in etc etc ... it merely says the exP has new BF who stays over A new boyfriend has recently come on to the scene and staying over in the house - the usual scant information, this may well be from 9pm to 6am and never see the child ..... or it could be 3 days a week and do the school runs .... but we don't know because there is never sufficient information.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 21/11/2017 10:57

Splinterz

BlushBlushBlush I totally mis-read the whole OP.

Mamabear4180 · 21/11/2017 11:01

Your DH obviously doesn't trust his ex but that's just too bad unless there are any obvious issues with the child. The ex is probably just fed up with explaining herself to your DH.

If DH has good reason to suspect the boyfriend is abusive in some way that's a different matter.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/11/2017 11:15

I have to admit that I am wondering if there is a controlling element to this given that she demanded to meet you but wont even share the name of her new bloke.

Chances are he is perfectly nice and fine to be around the child, but the 'I do as I want, you do as you are told' double standards would piss me off.

Original poster
Difficultsitch · 21/11/2017 11:18

Without going into details, yes to abuse, yes to control . From her.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 21/11/2017 11:22

Well, quite apart from that being a massive drip feed OP Hmm that's his side of the story.

Look there's nothing you can do. Pushing her will only make things worse

pullingmyhairout1 · 21/11/2017 11:23

As everyone has said not legally anything you can do.

My daughter is now living with her father. His gf has moved in after 2 months of going out together. I don't live locally. Not met her. Not fussed as long as she treats my daughter well.

My partner had now moved in because she has not come with me. We would have left it longer if she had but I have known my partner for 30 years.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 21/11/2017 11:26

Who has she abused? Her ex (your partner) or their child? And what kind of abuse are we talking? Physical? Mental? Sexual? Financial?

Honestly if she really is that bad (and abuse is, trust me) your partner should worry far more about his child spending time with her mother as opposed to her mothers new man. That's the bigger issue. That said, I've been falsely accused by my own ex of being abusive when he wasn't getting his own way which is why I have often wonder when accusations like this are bandied about.