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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask are children with siblings happier?

200 replies

Anyoneanytimeanywhere · 02/11/2017 12:35

I have ds 2.6 happy outgoing little boy, a bit boisterous.
I thought he would be an only child after horrible delivery and not so perfect pelvic floor.
I would love another baby but worry about damage from a future birth.
Recently I look at families with 2 or more dc and the relationship that the siblings have together. I have 2 siblings and dp has one and I couldn’t imagine life without them.
So now I’m thinking should I have another. Are children who have siblings happier because of this? If you were an only child did you miss not having a sibling? Do you miss not having a sibling as an adult?
This is not meant to offend anyone it’s just question and please be honest either way but kind. My ds may remain an only child.

OP posts:
whinetime89 · 02/11/2017 12:37

I have a 7yo, 2yo and 1 year old. I feel bad for DD1 as the bond between Ds1 and dd2 is magical. They are 14 months apart and joined at the hip. At the end if the day only you can make tje choice that you believe is the best fit for your family.

Santawontbelong · 02/11/2017 12:39

I have multiple dc who love each other and a fanjo which dh still admires!!
Grin

callymarch · 02/11/2017 12:40

I have two DD's, 4 years apart and have never got on or played together. It's been hard work stopping them from physically hurting each other over the last 13 years. Siblings don't always get on

Priam · 02/11/2017 12:41

I hope not! We have just one and DH really doesn't want another. Am gutted.

Lottapianos · 02/11/2017 12:41

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an only child. Please do not have another child 'for DS'. He doesn't 'need' a sibling. There are no guarantees with sibling relationships. I know a 5 year old who has a 2 year old sister that she has not accepted at all. I have a sister and brother - I have absolutely no relationship with my brother because of his nasty behaviour, and am friendly but not close to my sister.

So if you decide to have another child, own your decision and don't frame it as being a nice thing for DS. He is just as likely to resent his sibling as to adore them!

Fruitcorner123 · 02/11/2017 12:43

Only you can decide if its worth it and how traumatic your labour was. Second.labours tend to be much easier but there's no hard and fast rule.

Sibling bonds are great and I know my two oldest would be lost without each other but your DS knows no different and will be fine as a much loved only child too.

WhooooAmI24601 · 02/11/2017 12:43

I think children roll with whatever they're given. Friends of ours recently had their second child 12 years after their first was born. Other friends had a 15 year age gap. Others have just the one child. I think so long as they socialise and spend time with peers it makes no difference.

Mine are 5 years apart and are either best friends or mortal enemies. I've lost count of the number of times I've found them jousting with garden canes, throwing one another down hills and whipping one another with light sabres. But if anyone upsets them, the other one is the first one to fight his brothers corner; they're fiercely loyal. I don't think DS1 would have had a less happy childhood for remaining an only child if DS2 hadn't happened, though. I think he'd have just had a different childhood.

Original poster
Anyoneanytimeanywhere · 02/11/2017 12:43

Whine - when your children are older the gap may close between oldest and younger? Even if I was to conceive right now there would be over a three year gap so I don’t know if that would be too big for them to be close as children anyway.

Santa - im pleased it worked out for you and having lots of children would be lovely, unfortunately not everyone is so lucky after childbirth however and it can take its toll.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 02/11/2017 12:45

3 and a bit years is a fairly normal gap. Obviously a smaller gap will make them more likely to be playmates as young children but there are no guarantees.

WhooooAmI24601 · 02/11/2017 12:46

Also, if it's any sort of consolation DS1's labour was the most traumatic thing imaginable; I honestly believe I went into shock for a couple of weeks after it. DS2's labour was - honestly - lovely. I spent most of it in the bath, had a couple of puffs of gas and air and he practically marched out playing a trombone (and he was a huge 10lbs so I was expecting complications after the labour I had with DS1). A previous difficult labour doesn't guarantee a second traumatic one.

OuchLegoHurts · 02/11/2017 12:46

It's not having or not having siblings that makes a child happy...it's a whole host of other things, most importantly their relationship with their parents. I was an only child and the happiest person ever, still am. I'm sure I would have been just as happy with siblings. My parents gave me a very happy childhood.

Seniorcitizen1 · 02/11/2017 12:46

My son is an only child and would tell you he had a very happy childhood - he was never short of froends. I have a brother who I never got on with and sometimes went years with no contact - not seen him since mum’s funeral in 2010. Also sister in similar boat. Dont think you can generalise - depends on the individuals involved

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 02/11/2017 12:48

the bond between Ds1 and dd2 is magical. They are 14 months apart and joined at the hip. I have a similar gap and they hate the sight of each other, 20 years later they can just about tolerate being in the same room.

NamasteNiki · 02/11/2017 12:49

I wasnt.

My sibling was the cause of most of my misery growing up. Nasty, selfish bully.
Life would have been much happier without them

BadTasteFlump · 02/11/2017 12:49

My DC (I have three) are all very close. They squabbled a bit when they were little but the older they get, the closer they seem to be, and now they seem to have their own little 'in jokes' club which I find really lovely and really annoying in equal measure Grin

Having said that, I never got on with my sibling as a child but came from a pretty dysfunctional family where we were certainly not encouraged to be nice to each other. So whilst I have always been very careful to make sure my DC are kind to each other, I can't be sure how much of it is nature or nuture.

tellitlikeitispls · 02/11/2017 12:49

How long is a piece of string? I have two DS. Age gap 2 years 8 months. DS1 is 10 now and detests his brother as much as the day he was born. I don't see any change in the forseeable future...

Original poster
Anyoneanytimeanywhere · 02/11/2017 12:49

Whoo I have ongoing problems from a mild prolapse after childbirth so worry about this getting worse with a second baby as well as actual problems with the birth.
I know having another child for a sibling is madness. But also I would like a second dc for me aswell. It’s weighing it up I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
pinkliquorice · 02/11/2017 12:51

My eldest is 13 years older than my others so she was pretty much an only child, she now loves having little siblings and probably wishes she has some when she was younger. My 3,4,7 and 9 year olds get on amazingly.

QueenAmongstMen · 02/11/2017 12:52

I grew up with a sister and I love the bones of her, she's undoubtedly one of my best friends. I miss her if I have to go a week without seeing her. We can spend hours and hours reminiscing about our childhood, sharing memories, laughing about all the things we did together and I'm so, so glad I had someone to share my childhood with and grow up with. We are both in our mid 30s now and still very close.

When I had DS1 me and DH said we'd only have one because pregnancy is quite risky for me, potential dangers to me and the baby, so we decided to count our blessings that we'd had a heathy baby and I'd come out of it relatively unscathed and not push our luck.

However, when DS hit 18 months I started to feel very guilty that he was going to be an only child. It took a lot of persuading my DH but we did start TTC #2 eventually. I wanted another baby anyway to make our family feel complete but it was also important to me that DS had a sibling

I had another boy and he's now 12 weeks and my DS1 adores him. When I see them together i makes my heart melt, I can't explain how special it feels to see them as brothers.

I know it's early days and there will be years ahead of brotherly fights etc etc but having a second was absolutely the right decision.

user1493413286 · 02/11/2017 12:52

I don’t know if it makes them lonelier but from my experience with DSD I think when you have one child you possibly have to work harder to keep them entertained, for example when I was a child my parents could leave my sister and I to play in the park, on holiday, at home while they sat back to an extent while with DSD we actively play with her at all these places and sometimes I can see she’d rather play with a friend. There’s lots of ways around that though, meeting people with children, taking her friends out with us, family etc
My cousin is an only child and we have a close bond, in part because it is just him and I know we’ll be close as we grow older

Fruitcorner123 · 02/11/2017 12:53

Maybe see a health professional and talk through the implications for your health. Also discuss your.options for a possible labour.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 02/11/2017 12:53

pinkliquorice thats beause she didntactually have to gorw up with the, share toys, possessions and space with them, hand me down clothes and joint parties .

Siblings IMHO are very over rated!

parkermoppy · 02/11/2017 12:53

depends on the child. being an only child has quite frankly been the worst part of my life.

every night i hoped for a brother or sister as a child, and now as an adult with parents who are unwell, theres a lot more on my shoulders.

pinkliquorice · 02/11/2017 12:56

@SloeSloeQuickQuickGin

My little ones also love having siblings close to their age though. They don’t have to share bedrooms or have joint parties because I don’t think that would be fair and would cause problems.

blackteasplease · 02/11/2017 12:56

You know I fell into the trap. Had d's with emotionally abusive ex h as I thought dd needed sibling. I hadn't identified the ea at that point though.

Now of course I adore d's with all my heart and couldn't imagine not having him. But dd would be better off in so many ways without a sibling