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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask are children with siblings happier?

200 replies

Anyoneanytimeanywhere · 02/11/2017 12:35

I have ds 2.6 happy outgoing little boy, a bit boisterous.
I thought he would be an only child after horrible delivery and not so perfect pelvic floor.
I would love another baby but worry about damage from a future birth.
Recently I look at families with 2 or more dc and the relationship that the siblings have together. I have 2 siblings and dp has one and I couldn’t imagine life without them.
So now I’m thinking should I have another. Are children who have siblings happier because of this? If you were an only child did you miss not having a sibling? Do you miss not having a sibling as an adult?
This is not meant to offend anyone it’s just question and please be honest either way but kind. My ds may remain an only child.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 02/11/2017 13:15

I have one sibling, he's six years younger and we fought like cat and dog every day for years and then I moved out when he was 14. We get on well now that we're in our 20's but we had no relationship for about 16 years.

DH is an only child and has never wished for a sibling. He has cousins around his age so he had people to play with when he wanted to but had his own space too.

iamghosted · 02/11/2017 13:16

Most children are happily within a stable loving home environment irrelevant of who and how many many make up that environment.

CantChoose · 02/11/2017 13:18

DH and I are both only children and both love it. I never felt lonely or like anything was missing when I was younger.

DamnItall · 02/11/2017 13:23

Coming from the other angel, You really can’t assume that they will get on.

I come from a big family; 8 sibs. The one I’m closest to is 10 years older than me.

The one closest in age; can’t stand each other. If she needed blood; bone marrow; even a kidney, no problem but we are not sharing a hospital room!!!

Mudwrestler · 02/11/2017 13:24

FWIW, I was (still am) an 'only child'. I yearned for a sibling my whole life even though I had a very happy childhood. Both my parents are not here anymore and I feel a little deserted (not blaming anyone... it is what it is). My mother died after my father and I felt so alone dealing with everything. Yes I had family and my own hubby to help, but I couldnt help feeling alone in the world without anyone who would love me unconditionally (apart from my own child). Perhaps a little over the top but I couldn't help how I felt. I think it's good for children to have siblings, but equally the parents have got to be sure that that's what they want too .

InDubiousBattle · 02/11/2017 13:24

I remember reading some article about this and it said that in general only children have happier childhoods. Basically becasue they had the sole attention of the parents. All of the only children I know are perfectly happy! However all of the adults I know without siblings wish they had some. Ones my age (late thirties)say that they are solely responsible for keeping their parents happy, with regard to getting married and providing them with grandchildren (I do realise how bonkers that sounds but it's what they say). Older friends without siblings have struggled to cope with their elderly parents on their own.

My sister is 10 years older then me and she was born about 30 years old so we didn't share a childhood at all. Now we're an incredible, unshakable support to each other. I have 2 dc with a 19 month gap and they adore each other (for now!). My sister had 3 dc who Andre 18, 19 and 20 and they have always been a little gang. They still immediately refer to each other if anything happens and they have the most ridiculous (and still wonderful)in jokes with each other.

It depends on the family. Several of my friends hate their siblings, some are completely estranged, others can't manage without each other.

Mrs9C · 02/11/2017 13:24

Not sure there is a right or wrong answer really... my niece is an only child and she's slightly horrified at our 4 kids, she's quite happy the way she is. My husband and I had one sibling each and would have liked more, hence having 4, so they have each other, though because of our life experience it's having each other as adults, rather than children that encouraged us to do that.

LoverOfCake · 02/11/2017 13:25

My mum is firmly of the belief that it is the arrival of a sibling which contributes to behavioural changes in older children. I am the youngest and my sister changed completely after I was born apparently. We absolutely don't hate each other, I would likely turn to her if I needed to, but we're not uber close either.

From my perspective, I have an only child (not through choice originally) but actually looking back now I wouldn't have it any other way.

ElephantsandTigers · 02/11/2017 13:26

I think DS1 likes having one of his siblings. DD would prefer to be an only child or the youngest, due to the person who is her younger sibling. . I'm not sure about the youngest one. It's about their personalities imo.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 02/11/2017 13:28

Tbh, having 'a sibling for dc1' didn't enter my mind when having no. 2 (and certainly not when having no. 3 after quite a gap). My dh perhaps was more concerned (when we talked about numbers of dc he said he wanted 'more than one'), but we had each child for themselves. Dc1 and 2 get on well for the most part, play together for hours and I'm sure wouldn't be without each other, but they also drive each other mad. They both adore dc3 and I think she'll get a lot out of having two much older siblings. But equally I know very happy only children and I believe any of our children would have has just as happy a life without siblings, just a different one.

I think what I'm saying is don't have another child solely because you feel you should give your ds a sibling. Have one because you want one.

Original poster
Anyoneanytimeanywhere · 02/11/2017 13:29

Loverofcake - by behavioural changes do you mean negative ones?

OP posts:
user1471596238 · 02/11/2017 13:30

I think that you can only talk from your own experience. I am glad that I have siblings and that my kids have a sibling but clearly some on here have the opposite opinion. I would never say "oh yes, it's much better to have siblings than not" because it's subjective. It's such a polarising subject and not a debate that has any defining outcome.

Evelynismyspyname · 02/11/2017 13:30

I found the 3.5 year gap massive, but maybe because I already had 2 with a barely 2 year gap who were thick as thieves. They loved the baby like they would have loved a puppy, and liked to spoil him and tell me off if I was ever cross with him - but his closest in age sibling didn't play with him as a peer until he was about 4, and even then the older one was very much in big brother role, letting the younger win although nobody ever suggested he should etc.

I guess it depends on the kids. My eldest of 3 still mentions frequently that she'd like another baby sibling, but I've told her she'll have wait til she's grown up and have her own children now, or hope her uncle has kids one day...

I liked having siblings growing up even though I was never especially close to any of them, and one of them was an absolute nightmare who played my parents like fiddles with crocodile tears to get her way and get me in trouble if I didn't dance to her tune. However my mother was a very intense woman (not nasty, just incredibly emotional and demanding) and I was always aware on some level that my siblings diluted her!

I also liked the noise of a full house/ lots of people around the table. Despite, or perhaps because of, not being a "people person" I always appreciated the fact that its less demanding and intense being one of several, than an only in the spot light.

Despite not being close to any of my siblings in adulthood I am glad they exist to diffuse the intensity of my parents expectations/ disappointments/ emotional needs.

Jackiebrambles · 02/11/2017 13:34

I am really close with my sister (2 years apart). We mostly played together really well as kids, but we did fight A LOT between 10-14 I'd say!
I couldn't imagine life without her and basically adore her.

I have two children (one boy and one girl). They are also 2 years apart. They are still young but so far mainly love each other! Seeing them play and laugh together is one of the best things in my life.

In particular my eldest dotes on his sister. I don't know whether he'd be the same if she had been a boy! I'll never know of course.

My father was an only child and hated it. He said he often felt lonely.

LegallyBrunet · 02/11/2017 13:35

I'm one of six and I absolutely adore being part of such a big family. There's always someone to talk to and to support you. My cousin is an only child and while she is absolutely spoilt rotten by her parents she has often admitted to being lonely.

Andro · 02/11/2017 13:35

Siblings were among the worst thing to ever happen to me, they despise me and I wish they'd never been born.

Wafflenose · 02/11/2017 13:36

I have two girls, 2.5 years apart. They are totally different don't get on, are rude to each other and occasionally hurt each other. Sometimes they will play a game together, but I usually end up having to referee. There are nice moments and giggles, but these have been few and far between for us.

Original poster
Anyoneanytimeanywhere · 02/11/2017 13:39

Legally this is my worry. Ds is the focus entirely on my side of the family due to no other grandchildren (yet). He is very lively and very lovely but also enjoys being the centre of the universe within this side of the family unit because he is doted on my parents grandparents aunts and uncles. I can’t help but feel another child would ‘balance’ the family.
I do want the child for me. As I have said previously it is my ongoing problems from a mild prolapse and fear of childbirth which is the thing that stops me.

OP posts:
flyingpigsinclover · 02/11/2017 13:39

There is a large age gap between mine due to infertility, they get on really well now they are both in their teens.

TowerRingInferno · 02/11/2017 13:42

I think there isn’t no right answer to this one, and no way of predicting what will happen if you increased your family from 1 to 2 children. You wouldn’t regret it for yourself though if there was a second child.

My dcs are 2 years apart and fight like anything. If you asked either if they’d prefer to be a single child they would definitely say yes! I hope that that might change as they get older.

I was very close to my brother when growing up but now have nothing at all in common with him and would struggle to hold a conversation with him.

Dh was close to his sister growing up and not his (much younger) brother. Now it’s the opposite way round.

user1471596238 · 02/11/2017 13:42

Jackiebrambles, I can relate to that. My Dad didn't have siblings and I think that it had a profoundly negative effect on him although I must admit that in his case, he had a hard upbringing (in and out of homes), which I find quite upsetting to think about.

brasty · 02/11/2017 13:42

I think it depends on the child and the siblings. My best friend at school and her sister never got on. They were just too different, and they never played together. Myself, my sister and brother played with each other lots and got on well together

HillaryWinshaw · 02/11/2017 13:43

I have three; DD 9, DS1 6, and DS2 3. We had lots of fertility issues after DD and I feared she would be an only child. The relationship between my children is magical and I adore watching them together. That said, the older two are best friends/worst enemies, so it’s not all rosy. But they are a team. My husband has 5 siblings and I have 1, and despite a rocky relationship at times with my sibling, I’m so glad we have them. The older I get, the more I appreciate the importance of family.

fleshmarketclose · 02/11/2017 13:43

I have five children and they all seem to like each other.One of their cousins is an only child and seems happy. I'm one of six and used to desperately wish I was an only child and I'm not close to any of my siblings now. My best friend is an only child and talks a lot about wishing she had had a sibling especially once her parents had died. So surmise that some children are happy with siblings, some children are happy without siblings and often the grass seems greener elsewhere.

TowerRingInferno · 02/11/2017 13:43

Excuse appalling grammar - laggy iPad bouncing around 😳