To ask are children with siblings happier?

[Anyoneanytimeanywhere]

I have ds 2.6 happy outgoing little boy, a bit boisterous.
I thought he would be an only child after horrible delivery and not so perfect pelvic floor.
I would love another baby but worry about damage from a future birth.
Recently I look at families with 2 or more dc and the relationship that the siblings have together. I have 2 siblings and dp has one and I couldn’t imagine life without them.
So now I’m thinking should I have another. Are children who have siblings happier because of this? If you were an only child did you miss not having a sibling? Do you miss not having a sibling as an adult?
This is not meant to offend anyone it’s just question and please be honest either way but kind. My ds may remain an only child.

We have 2 children with a 6 yr age gap , on the whole they don’t get on , mainly due to the oldest one who is now 24 . I actually don’t think the age gap has anything to do with why they don’t get on . I expect them to be civil but that is as far as my expectations go now . I have 2 sisters , I get on very well with both although one is my best friend as well so more so with her . The other one I would do more with but we are not keen on her husband . My dh has a twin and I assume they were close at some point but I’ve known dh for 30+ years and they haven’t been in that time .

I have four siblings (same mum and dad and all younger) and wouldn't have it any other way. I can't begin to imagine my life without them in it. My parents told me many a story of toddler me acting up and being jealous but I believe it made me a more rounded person who is able to share space, appreciate the (very few) things that were mine and also be a source of advice.

Conversely, my DP is an only child and wishes he had had a sibling; having said that, he does acknowledge that he benefitted from his family being able to focus on him alone and provide him with things that might not have been possible with siblings.

I always say that there is no hard and fast rule for this kind of thing as it totally depends on the family. Do what feels right for you and your little one.

For us we weighed it up and spent a long time worrying what the impact of another child would be on DS1 because, ultimately, only children are the only children who lose something when a sibling comes along.

However, DS1 also has ASD and if we'd continued having more after DS2 I think it could have impacted upon him negatively; he likes his own space, he's sometimes overwhelmed when there's chaos in the house and his ASD means that life lessons that having siblings can bring can be challenging for him. Having just two means I can give my time, my energy and my emotional support when he needs it, so for us only having two DC was a conscious decision because of the DCs we already had.

If ASD wasn't in the mix, we'd have tried for more. But the DCs are no less happy for living the life we have now.

I am an only child and have not felt lonely or deprived. However, I find it unsettling, particularly as my parents are getting older, that there is nobody else who will remember my childhood, or who will share the context of my family in the way a sibling would. I do find that a lonely prospect, and also find I am preoccupied with how to care for my parents in their old age, whether it is fair to live far away from them etc (of course many people with siblings have these worries too). I also think things can be very intense for only children, with all attention focussed on them. But there are positives to both and I think you should have the confidence do what feels right for you, rather than trying to work out what is best for your son when really, it's impossible to know. It sounds like your little boy is lovely, confident, and happy with a wonderful family around him, and I'm sure he is likely to thrive either way.

There are so many more variables at play than this. I'm an only child and I'm grateful I was and have no regrets at all about not having a sibling. My mum would have loved to have another child and she regrets that she didn't, but our family life was difficult at times (EA dad, divorce, financial difficulties). But because there was only one of me, she was able to just about keep it together and provided me with a lovely life. She had no financial support from my dad, but she worked hard and kept a roof over our heads and food on the table, maintained her sanity (which I doubt she could have done if she'd had a younger child to care in addition to me) and she was able to afford to put me in a good private school (that's where all our money went, she worked 3 jobs to afford it) because the schools in our area were not good. Education was really important for her and though it's not all about money, a second child would have meant she couldn't have provided me with all the things I did have in terms of education and experiences and that's made me who I am. Had I had a sibling, life would have not been as happy because it would have been stressful, I would have been in a tough school, and I wouldn't have the education I had. All other things being equal, yes, maybe it would have been nice, but the reality is that it does make family life a bit more complex and a bit more stressful.

We are having a 2nd, but that's for us, not for our dd. We just want two, but we have a stable family life, a happy marriage, a health older child and we have good professional careers and are financially stable - pretty much everything my family wasn't growing up. That said, there is absolutely no way I would have been ready for another when mine was only 2. She'll be 5 when this baby is born and we definitely weren't ready sooner than this. You still have plenty of time to decide what's right for you and your family.

I had a lovely happy 2 year old who I thought it would be great if I gave a sibling to. So had child number 2 who was born with a lifelong disability. It has changed all of our lives, but has had the most affect on child 1's life. A lot of the affect is positive but if course a lot isn't.
I have a 2 siblings who I fought with as children and as adults don't bother with me.
Siblings aren't always the picture perfect end to a story.

I should add, the only benefit really I can see now is that it would have been better for my mum if she did have a second for later in life when she is older and needs care. But that's probably just because of our specific situation. We live in different countries 11 hours apart, and though we are able to travel to see each other and she is very involved in my dd's life and spends lots of time with her when she is here, a time will come when she is older and needs a child around to care for her. I'm the one who emigrated and I have no intention of returning as my life, work, family is here now and I've not lived in my home country in a long time. She'll either have to move here, to a strange country she has never lived in, or she'll have to be cared for in a care home. There is no one there who could care for her (other than my step-dad assuming he is still alive then). I worry for her for that reason, but I know there would be no guarantees even if she had had more children. My step-dad has two adult daughters, both of whom he is estranged from, so he'll be alone as well, so obviously having multiple children was no insurance there.

I was an only child and loved it.

I was sociable and outgoing and I have a wonderful relationship with my parents.

I think that it depends on the children really. I was perfectly happy as an only child.

Ii was an only child until I were 12. I desperately wanted a sibling throughout my childhood - I don't know why. I used to beg my parents for a brother or sister. My mum put off having a second as she had a difficult pregnancy/birth/first two years with me and the thought of going through it again really worried her.
My sibling was born when I was 12. My mums pregnancy dragged (for me) and the very day my sibling was born, I can 100% say was one of the best days of my life (Not married, No children)

Dad died when they were very small and I was in my teens. For some reason, I've always wished there was another sibling for us as well. It's worked out well for us though.

I have two friends who are both only children and neither would have it any other way. They've never entertained the idea of a sibling.
I also know families who have two or more children and none of them get along!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would have happily stopped at 1 dc as I didn’t find it easy. DS was very sensitive, nervous and very clingy for a long time. We had dd1 in part to keep him company. She was the making of him and we went on to have dd2 as well. They love having siblings and it’s a load of fun having them now.....difficult when they were little though!

I have 2 girls 3.4 yrs apart. They have always squabbled and are teenagers at the mo and I have asked myself several times why we thought 2 was a good idea!! I think that what they don't have they don't miss so whatever you choose is fine. Don't have another child to please another, they might hate each other! I'm the youngest one of 3. Got on great with my brother but always been distant with my sister.

I think it can go both ways, and there are pro and cons to both.

My kids squabble ALL the time, but I think in the end they quite like having each other around
I have 2 brothers, and I wouldn't say we have ever been close, but since we all started having kids, it has been lovely to see the cousins play together and to get closer to them, but we will never be best buddies. It is also just luck that our kids are similar ages as we all had kids late, if one of us had started at, say, 25, our kids would be miles apart.

I do like the idea that when my parents have gone, or when we have gone, I will not be alone, and my kids will not be alone, they will have family, even if not really close

Hi,

Similar position to you, although another baby really isn't a possibility. I have a genetic condition and I'm a carrier for another genetic condition. We are fortunate to have a son who wasn't planned and thankfully doesn't have either condition. We would be taking a huge gamble on being fortunate with another.

I was one of five, I don't have a close relationship with any of my siblings and my parents care has been left solely to me, so in that respect it wouldn't have made any difference if I'd had siblings or not. My DH has one sibling who he doesn't have regular contact with.

We've found as our ds has got older he's actually incredibly confident and sociable, he will approach others in a park and happily play. He's very independent too. I've noticed and thought back on my own childhood that sometimes we tend to hide behind siblings or fall back on them to play with rather than being independent.

If you are only considering another baby just as a sibling then I wouldn't put yourself through that again.

I was an only child. My best friend has chosen to only have one. I have two DDs. I think there are plusses and minuses to both TBH, but I would say the difference is in the parenting. I think being the parent of an only child is in some ways much harder.

On the upside I had lots of parental attention, and support, and a lot of advantages because of that. Not to be underestimated.

However, I longed for siblings but mostly because my childhood was isolated and pretty lonely at times - simply because my mum doesn't like to have much interaction with others, and as an adult I don't necessarily find relationships of any kind especially easy. So I think as the parent of an only child you have to compensate for some of that and cultivate friendships for yourself and your children very mindfully.

I'd also say to try and resist the temptation to make your only DC the focus of too much attention. They need the space and freedom they would automatically get if they were occasionally ignored on account of their sibling! That includes the freedom to royally fuck up from time to time.

I'm not sure I'd be up to the task, which is partly why I had two. I also had a difficult and damaging first birth, but my second was much better and very healing in lots of ways - if that helps at all.

WCWGOA3

Me and my sister are 14 months apart, dont get along.
Dd6 and ds 18 months love and obsessed with each other. Dd was very happy only child and now a happy sibling.

I would say that my best friend is doing a pretty good job, and is very relaxed with her DD and gives her space and freedom. However she hasn't been able to nurture friendships for her DD, aside from family and my two DDs, who all live a fair way away. And as a result I notice her DD can have real difficulty interacting with other children - even those she knows well, and can be quite withdrawn. Which are traits I recognise in myself especially in my own childhood. I spent so much time with adults I found other children both perplexing and alarming and wasn't really sure how to cope with them... It's something I still find difficult TBH (although you'd never know it if you met me) and 'playing nicely with the other children' is still something I have to work at!

I remember when ILs used to drop DS1 to nursery and then keep him to their house for hours (without asking me) DS2 would stand on the window sill and look outside the window for hours

I also remember when we went to my cousin's house and she saw all 4 DC for the first time (at the time she had a baby) the first thing that she did was exclaim "Look how they occupy one another!". She soon had another.

As others have said it is hard work for parents to constantly entertain their children. You can play, read a book, see their colourings but then when you go to the kitchen to cook dinner they still pull you out to show what they have made with their bricks or ask you to glue or cut with the scissors etc. Kids like sharing their interests.

It's too early to know how my 2 DD's will get on, as DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 8 months.
DD1 loves her baby sister a lot of the time, but also gets irritated by her, DD2 seems to find her sister fascinating.
DD1 would have had a much easier time of it over the last 16 months if we hadn't decided to have DD2. I had a difficult pregnancy with SPD so couldn't play much with DD1. Then DD2 was diagnosed with congenital heart defects which have had her in and out of hospital.
I hope they will have a good relationship as they grow up, but I know there are no guarantees. We had DD2 because we wanted another child, and still feel we made the right decision!

Both my parents are from large families but aren't close to their siblings. I think it helps to have several people to share the care for my elderly grandparents though. Over the years there have been various feuds though and due to the age gaps both have siblings that they hardly grew up with.

I have one sister with a 2 year gap and we bickered as children, hated each other as teens and are NC as adults. All my life I've wished I was an only child and I expect so does my sister

It's impossible to predict whether siblings will be best friends or hate each other. So have a second child or don't, but don't base your decision on wanting a sibling for your existing child

It’s so good to hear both sides. It’s a relief that some people are saying that had happy childhoods being an only or their only dc seems happy.
I just can’t shake the feeling that my family is not complete. If I could guarantee an easy delivery and no worsening prolapse id have been pregnant already (with mother nature’s blessing of course), but of course no one can guarantee this.

OP I’m in a not dissimilar position. Have a 3.5 year old, would love another and she would love a sibling. But had a very traumatic birth- failed forceps, fully dilated section and a long uterine/cervical tear. This means that further pregnancies will be very high risk and at high risk of having a premature baby. Labouring would be dangerous so would need elective section but would fear going into labour at home first. I’m in the process of pre-conception discussions with various people but I’m not sure that I’m willing to put my whole family through the stress that a very high risk pregnancy would bring.

While my DD talks about having a sibling I’m sure she’s just as happy as her friends who have younger siblings. In fact she often asks for an older sister which obviously isn’t going to happen!

Spraoi - it’s very difficult isn’t it and no one else can make the decision for us.
Do you mind me asking if you have pelvic floor problems after everything you went through.
Obviously the risk of premature labour would be the biggest risk for you but I wonder if a planned section would help with pelvic floor issues aswell.

I have 3 siblings, there were points in our childhoods where some of us didn’t get on but we still cared and loved one another. My DB and DSis hardly spoke a word from their teens to early twenties and now they are very close, in fact we all are. I couldn’t imagine not growing up without that shared experience.

I also think if you have lots of extended family around it’s not so bad but as we live quite a distance from my family and DH doesn’t have any other family I hated the idea DD1 would be on her own after we pass away.

I had a lot of (very intimate) physio after DD was born as I needed bladder retraining (probably combination of the birth injury and long labour). Luckily things seem fairly good from that point of view now. Still have a diastesis but it’s only around 2cm now.

Have you seen a physio? I found it brilliant- but you need a women’s health specialist physio. Also worth speaking with gynae- as in some cases it’s damage from birth and in others it’s to do with pregnancy itself- they should be able to tell you if an elective section would help prevent worsening.