To ask are children with siblings happier?

[Anyoneanytimeanywhere]

I have ds 2.6 happy outgoing little boy, a bit boisterous.
I thought he would be an only child after horrible delivery and not so perfect pelvic floor.
I would love another baby but worry about damage from a future birth.
Recently I look at families with 2 or more dc and the relationship that the siblings have together. I have 2 siblings and dp has one and I couldn’t imagine life without them.
So now I’m thinking should I have another. Are children who have siblings happier because of this? If you were an only child did you miss not having a sibling? Do you miss not having a sibling as an adult?
This is not meant to offend anyone it’s just question and please be honest either way but kind. My ds may remain an only child.

My DC (5&9) despise each other, they fight and bicker, are selfish and are constantly having a go at each other. I can’t leave them together for more than 2 minutes without them taking chunks out of each other.

My dd was 5 before my youngest came along and she was a happy, kind, sensitive, generous little girl. She now won’t share anything and is constantly comparing what her sister has and will fight if she feels it’s unfair (and sometimes when it’s not). It can be like WW3 in our household some days.

Oh my some of the more recent posts are suggesting that rather than being beneficial or even neutral it could be damaging to have a sibling.
I’m so confused
It’s such a difficult decision to make.

Me and my brother have never got on I would go as far to say that we can't stand each other so it's not always magical

I do appreciate the honesty though I asked the question. It is interesting how different peoples experiences are.

Hi, I had similar trouble/decision to make as you. Was told that the pregnancy alone would escalate things as it's the weight of the foetus as much as the birth itself. Told up to me but would be unlikely an easy pregnancy. At the time we were dealing with some medical stuff for ds and living in a small house and I couldn't bear the thought of struggling through a pregnancy, then having to have a c-section followed by a hysterectomy followed by potential two kids with medical issues. Upsets me sometimes but I think we made the right decision. I ended up with hysterectomy, but on my timeline and ds seems happy enough. There are some advantages to having one for sure! I have a few siblings and barely see any of them these days so definitely no guarantees on relationships just cos share the same parents.

Question - fur those who have had a bad experience themselves of siblings, do you not think that it was partially or mostly down to your own parenting failure? Fur example Kenn Dodd above says she was slapped around by her older brother most of her childhood how/why would parents let that happen?

Mine argue but they are forbidden to have physical fights. It doesn’t stop them occasionally reaching out for a push or blow of course (primary school age) but the difference is they know it’s not allowed at all and so it’s very rare they would do that. They argue loudly, but I either separate them, help resolve the argument, or tell them off if appropriate. I also try not to make them share all of the time, and I encourage them to be nice to each other, look out for each other and have fun together.

It’s no guarantee of good relations for the future but it’s as good as I can make it. As adults it’s up to them but I really hope I’m laying those foundations as best I can.

My own parents did not encourage my sibling and I to be particular nice to each other and they often would set us against each other, I really think parents can have a huge impact on successful sibling relationships.

*own parents failure, as in “your parents” not “your parenting”

OP I could have written your post.. except DD is nearly 4 now and still no closer to a decision... So would be an even bigger age gap.

So hard to decide. Will be very hard for us financially as well to have another which is another issue.

Rachie you have my sympathies isn’t it so frustrating. Is yours for medical reasons also?
Finances are ok for us we borth work I’m almost full time but again who knows if I’d manage as many hours with two.

I’ve said this before on similar threads but it is the thing I read which has stayed with me over the years (I have one DC, due to infertility rather than choice): since you can not determine the benefit or otherwise of a sibling, you should not have one ‘for your child’ but because you and your partner want one. Just take all the arguments for and against as relates to your existing child out of the equation.

FWIW I am incredibly close to my sister and consider her more than a best friend, but I think I would have enjoyed being an only child and can see some real benefits that would also have had.

I know it’s still hard for you as a decision because of personal health concerns too, but I do think it’s easier, given that you cannot predict how your child(ren) will feel, to just ignore that and concentrate on what would be most likely to make you happy.

I didn't have a sibling until I was 18. I missed not having a sibling as a child, I don't really know my siblings, but I don't miss not having siblings closer to me in age.

You have to do what’s right for you.

I was an only child and loved every minute of it. I adore my parents and am happy to commit whatever I need to for them whenever they need it

I’m happy, sociable and have life long friends . I’m certainly not spoilt and am much more giving than many I know who have siblings

I torment myself daily that I won’t be giving DS a sibling (we are getting too old, we had fertility problems and honestly i just don’t want another). I don’t know why I feel so guilty, I couldn’t have had a happier childhood as an only so I don’t know why I think DS needs sibling. No one I know is close to their siblings. My mum loves her sister, but from afar ... she actually drives her crazy if they spend too much time together. My dad hasn’t spent time with his siblings in years

I had a second child for my dd. They are total opposites, have never got on and as young adults dislike each other. Wouldn’t swap either of them for the world but it is as it is.

For the person who asked , mine have never been physically violent , have always been stopped immediately from being rude to each other and no I don’t consider it a parenting failure on our part , I fact we really couldn’t have done more .

"All the “only child” adults I know are spoilt"

oh fuck off with that. I might have wished I had a sibling, but if I had a penny for all the ridiculous, offensive nonsense I've heard about the supposed character defects of only children, I'd retire on the proceeds. OP if you do decide to stick at one, it's perfectly possible to bring up a perfectly balanced, normal, sociable, non-spoilt only child (insofar as any of us are!). The only problem you face is listening to idiocies such as 'oh only children are spoilt'.

As an aside, as a child, I never used to want to stay over at a particular friend's house for a sleepover because she was not that nice really, and her parents were really unpleasant! Every Single Time I said I'd rather not thanks, she'd say 'ahhh such a sheltered only child', and berate my poor mum for not showing me the ways of the wider world. I probably had a sleepover with other friends about once a fortnight. But people see and believe only what their blinkered preconceptions allow them to.

My best friend is an only child and she is the most generous, kind, thoughtful person I know, not at all ‘spoilt’

As for parenting, me and my brother literally hated each other. I found out recently that my parents thought about sending us to a councillor. Violence was never accepted in our house and we knew it was wrong, I wouldn’t stop us trying to take chunks out of each other when our parents backs were turned.

My two dc are very similar to me and my brother, I deliberately left an age gap of more than 4 years as this is supposed to reduce sibling rivalry- pft

Anyone not quite the same - I had bad postnatal depression so actually don't have very good memories of my DD first year.. not sure I can face the possibility again of that, plus if it did happen I have my DD to consider who would be more aware.

Tbh, you only need to read the many many threads on here from people who clearly have extremely difficult relationships with siblings to know that they're not an automatic path to happiness. And I say that as a mother of 3 whose kids, as previously commented, largely get on.

I do know a child who fits the 'spoilt only' stereotype, but I can also think, off the top of my head, of at least three lovely, extremely well-balanced only children, none of whom are lonely in the slightest.

Both having and not having siblings present a child with challenges which, in most cases (unless something is going wrong that has little or nothing to do with the sibling status of a child per se), generally promote their development. The challenges they miss out on they tend to learn in other settings. Cases where siblings or lack of them have been a really profoundly negative influence will be ones in which something else has been going on.

I'm an only child and I loved it growing up. My bond with my parents is amazing and I was able to do a silly amount of extra curricular and go to private school, neither of which would have been possible with a sibling. All of those things made me who I am today so I wouldn't change it for the world.

I do sometimes feel a little sad as an adult that I don't have a sibling as my mum and her sister are very close, but I have a cousin I'm very close to (although she's 12 years younger) and I can't see that changing.

DP has a brother who is 6 years older and after a brief stint of being close after years of barely knowing each other they are back to barely speaking because they are such different people.

You can never predict these things!

OneMoreTune

A large chunk of the issues I've had can be laid at my Mother's door - she loathes me as much as the twins so had allowed/encouraged their intolerable behaviour. I pity them almost as much as I detest them...and whoever they marry will have my unending sympathy (and a bolt hole at my house should they need one given that the twins are barred from my home).

I have 2 boys. Three years apart.
They hated each other as kids. Fought constantly and either yelled or ignored each other most of the time.
But... now they are 23 and 20 they get on great and spend a lot of time together. Just couldn't stand each other growing up

The two big concerns around onlies tend to focus on lack of shared history and dealing with ageing parents. I come from a long line of onlies (and am continuing that with my family) and don’t see either as an issue.

I spent last weekend with my oldest friend happily reminiscing about what we did growing up together and I have distant relatives (not cousins cf long line of onlies above and not geographically close either) but we have shared history of holidays and Christmas etc. I would say I have a far better bond with at least two people than plenty of adults have with siblings. We’ve shared the sort of tough times people assume that you need family for and supported each other through thick and thin.

Re the ageing parents I saw my parents go through that and it wasn’t any worse than for anyone else with siblings. They had all the support they needed, from each other, from me and from their close friends. Again the sort of friends they could call in the middle of the night and they would be there like a shot.

I’m starting to have to deal with the early stages of this now and whilst it’s hard dealing with my parents mortality I have people to share the burden with and support me through it.

I have 3 sisters, dh is an only child. We were both very happy growing up. Dh doesn't wish he'd had a sibling at all. We have twin girls are extremely close but can bicker and flight. Dh finds this very hard to understand. He finds it hard to understand sibling dynamics, I guess that is one downside to being an only child.

I have 3 siblings and the relationship we have is amazing. Really, amazing. They are my best friends and I have never, ever felt alone in life.
My partner is an only child and has always felt like something has been missing. He has a great relationship with my siblings too and still mentions how gutted he is that he will never experience what I have.
I know lots of people will feel differently to my partner and I, but I will move heaven and earth to ensure I have more than one child. My siblings are so dear to me and I would hate to deny my child of having that same relationship and lifelong companionship themselves.

Also, again this is only my experience but my DP does struggle with some concepts that I put down to being an only child. Even as an adult, he really struggles to share his belongings. He really doesn’t like splitting things like food or sharing one big bottle of coke etc. He also really struggles when the children bicker and doesn’t understand the dynamics of their relationships (I’m a childminder).