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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be 'too soft' on DD?

186 replies

Yellowmellowyellow · 16/10/2017 20:09

People are always telling me I need to be stricter with 5yr old DD and to be honest it's really peeing me off!

DD can be a bit of a handful- is generally fine but can be quite stubborn and at times rude to me if she's not getting her own way (which of course isn't ideal but surely all children can be rude to their parents?!).

If we have no plans she decides what she wants to do in evenings/at the weekend, what to eat for dinner, what to wear etc. This has always worked well for us and I like giving her the freedom to decide.
She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people. Is getting along great academically and has good friendships.

But I am constantly being told by people I need to be more strict on her- comments like 'she needs consequences' 'you're far too soft' 'you're making a rod for your own back' 'you wait till she's a teenager' 'I would never let my kids rule the roost like that'

It's making me feel like shit. Am Aibu and being a terrible parent or shall I just ignore the comments and carry on as we are?

OP posts:

mumofthreesmallmen3 · 16/10/2017 20:12

Everybody has different parenting styles, as long as you think she is behaving accordingly? Does she have consequences when she does do something wrong?

mumofthreesmallmen3 · 16/10/2017 20:12

Everybody has different parenting styles, as long as you think she is behaving accordingly? Does she have consequences when she does do something wrong?

nancy75 · 16/10/2017 20:14

If people are commenting all the time they must be seeing quite a lot of bad behaviour?

wowbutter · 16/10/2017 20:16

When she is rude to you, how do you respond?
It may be your response that is he problem. Yes, all children can be rude, stubbourn, angry etc. It's how you deal with it that's important.
Boundaries and punishments if she doesn't modify her behaviour.
You can't just be rude to adults if you don't get your own way, you need to teach her that.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2017 20:16

One thing that concerns me is when you say she is rude to you. That is TOTALLY unacceptable and needs to be dealt with.

usainboltsleotard · 16/10/2017 20:17

It might be that they thinks she's badly behaved and your making a rod for your own back, or it might be that their kids moan and want choice too when they see the freedom your DD has. Only you know which it is

AuntLydia · 16/10/2017 20:18

I dunno. Who is commenting? Lots of different people? When you say she's rude, how rude? And how does she decide everything on an evening and weekend?

TheAntiBoop · 16/10/2017 20:19

It's difficult to tell from your post.

I have a friend who was allowed to make all the decisions in the family and she was a very unhappy adult because no one else will put up with it!! She ended up having counselling and is married to a lovely (and patient!) man who is happy to deal with her kindly when she gets too much!!

You will be helping your dd far more by teaching her that she can't always be in control in her close relationships

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2017 20:20

If She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people. Is getting along great academically and has good friendships. then why are people questioning it? Lots of them, a lot.

Pickleypickles · 16/10/2017 20:21

You are spoiling her but thats your choice and nobody elses to judge.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 16/10/2017 20:24

I let my dd2 decide what we are watching/eating at weekend or even through the week sometimes as I'm not arsed most of the time BUT I never let her be rude to me. Ever.

It's a thin line op from being a respected parent who is flexible with their children and easy going and a parent who basically gets treated like a peer.

Parent her how you like but always be mindful that you don't allow her to be rude to you as it will breed contempt towards you. She needs to be able to respect you to be able to listen to advice or when your telling her something important like her fir her safety.

WhooooAmI24601 · 16/10/2017 20:25

The rudeness is what stands out most. I give my DCs independence, choices and freedom but won't ever tolerate rudeness and there's definitely a consequence for that no matter the cause.

I agree with others that you parent how you parent. But if other people are commenting, perhaps instead of taking it personally, think if they're invested enough to want the best for your DD - if they are, it might be best to honestly consider what they're saying. If strangers criticise your parenting, they have no right. If people who love you both are doing it, there's a reason. It might not feel great but remember you have to parent long-term as well as short-term.

shushpenfold · 16/10/2017 20:26

Frankly, it’s nobodys business but yours but I would say one thing.....if she’s rude to you when she’s 5 and you accept it, just wait til she’s 14 and doing the same and far, far worse. It’s not in the least cute or acceptable then.

fleshmarketclose · 16/10/2017 20:32

I'm very soft on dd who is now 14 can only remember two occasions when I have once told her no and the second time raised an eyebrow.She is delightful anyway.
I'd suggest that your dd's behaviour must appear difficult though to others if you are getting comments because in 14 years no one has ever commented to me about dd and outside of very immediate family no one would know that dd has had a very gentle upbringing and wouldn't be aware that she's never been told off never mind punished.

Ecureuil · 16/10/2017 20:35

I think there must be a reason that lots of people are commenting.

Alittlepotofrosie · 16/10/2017 20:36

I can't abide rude children. You don't need to be her friend you know. You need to be her parent and that includes teaching her how to speak to people appropriately.

If she doesnt respect you now she sure as hell won't when she's a teen.

wobblywonderwoman · 16/10/2017 20:36

It isn't other peoples business but I think she must be being quite rude for others to comment.

Why are you letting her? If mime are rude, favourite toy is taken off them and they need consequences like that.

Sirzy · 16/10/2017 20:39

I agree with others that the being rude isn’t acceptable.

Giving choices and involving in decisions is one thing but long term I don’t think letting a child make all the decisions does anyone any favours reallh

Original poster

Yellowmellowyellow · 16/10/2017 20:47

Comments have been made by family and friends that have seen her with me. She is definitely well behaved with others and at school. It is just me she's rude with.

I suppose she doesn't really have direct consequences. When she has been rude I just distract her at the time then when we are alone and in quiet explain to her why her behaviour was unacceptable and why it upset me. I talk to her until she understands. She then gets very emotional and apologises lots. Then it's forgotten about.

I use treats a lot rather than consequences ie 'if you're a good girl all week mummy will buy you a treat'.

Examples of rudeness- yesterday I asked her to shut the back door as it was getting cold, she point-blank refused then screamed at me. I stood by the door like a pillockfor 15 minutes holding it shut until she gave up. It was discussed later in the day and she cried and said sorry for being so naughty.

A few weeks back she broke a toy by throwing it across the room- I just said 'that's a shame youl never be able to play with that again because it's broke now' she instantly got upset and apologised and that was that.

She definitely views me as a peer which I've never minded but it's clear the majority think I'm wrong to bring her up this way if she was naughty at school or to others I would be mortified and think of some serious consequences but she's not, it is just me so is it really that bigger deal?

Sorry that was so long!

OP posts:

wobblywonderwoman · 16/10/2017 20:50

I don't think you are wrong... You are the mother.

But you are going to have a long road ahead for yourself. Why not discipline? You don't have to put up with rudeness. She will benefit from it.

deepestdarkestperu · 16/10/2017 20:53

If you tolerate rudeness now, how are you going to come when she's a teenager and full of raging hormones? Are you just going to stand there while she screams and cries and slams doors?

She needs consequences - you're not her friend, you're her parent! I would imagine the reason she's well-behaved with other people is because she knows she won't get away with her tantrums with them.

Wolfiefan · 16/10/2017 20:53

She's not your peer. You're the parent.
"A bit of a handful" is doublespeak for a bloody nightmare!
She can't be rude to you. Disrespectful and completely inappropriate. Not saying my kids have never been rude but there are consequences and they know it's not acceptable.
Yes she should have some choices. What to wear and what bedtime story. But a child who dictates everything could end up as a diva who can't cope with getting their own way.
If you accept rudeness and defiance now the teen years will indeed be interesting.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2017 20:54

15 minutes of screaming over a door? Clearly you need a different strategy. You must see that.

nancy75 · 16/10/2017 20:54

How is she with other kids? If she is this used to getting her own way all the time she will struggle to keep friends as they will find her bossy.
Throwing & breaking toys & screaming would be classed as totally unacceptable behaviour in my mind - does she do this when you are out(even if just aimed at you?)

HopeClearwater · 16/10/2017 20:55

She definitely views me as a peer

Not a problem now. It will be when she's 10-plus.
Good luck, OP.

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