To be 'too soft' on DD?

[Yellowmellowyellow]

People are always telling me I need to be stricter with 5yr old DD and to be honest it's really peeing me off!

DD can be a bit of a handful- is generally fine but can be quite stubborn and at times rude to me if she's not getting her own way (which of course isn't ideal but surely all children can be rude to their parents?!).

If we have no plans she decides what she wants to do in evenings/at the weekend, what to eat for dinner, what to wear etc. This has always worked well for us and I like giving her the freedom to decide.
She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people. Is getting along great academically and has good friendships.

But I am constantly being told by people I need to be more strict on her- comments like 'she needs consequences' 'you're far too soft' 'you're making a rod for your own back' 'you wait till she's a teenager' 'I would never let my kids rule the roost like that'

It's making me feel like shit. Am Aibu and being a terrible parent or shall I just ignore the comments and carry on as we are?

Honestly, op, I feel that you are blind to her horrible behaviour and rudeness. The incidents you wrote about are simply awful. It's no wonder people have said something to you.

You’re parenting is your business but would drive me mad. I feel really sorry for children who aren’t offered boundaries and who are left unclear about acceptable behaviour.

comments like 'she needs consequences' 'you're far too soft' 'you're making a rod for your own back' 'you wait till she's a teenager' 'I would never let my kids rule the roost like that'

What is she doing that they feel needs consequences?

Your approach obviously isn't working.

If she thinks she doesn't have to respect you as an adult then yes she will become rude.
My DS has a friend who is rude to his mum.. He has never been invited to my house despite them been friends for years. I do know at times he has been rude at school. I have no plans to deal with other people's badly behaved children.
The fact you don't deal with it at the time is what is wrong.
The fact a 5 year old battled with you for 15 minutes.. no consequence just a chat.!!!

At 5 short sharp consequnce

Be good for a week is a pointless as she decides everything anyway,

Is there a DP there? how does she speak to him? how does he respond to how she speaks to you.

Even a peer would not get to decide everything.

She's 5. You're her mother. She's not your peer. And if people are 'constantly' commenting, frankly it doesn't bode very well.

It is extremely important that your children do not see you as a peer. You are not her peer, you are her parent and it's your duty, your job as parent, to prepare her for the way the world actually works and to have the skills to navigate it correctly.

And the fact that your family have commented on it multiple times means it is likely to be far worse a problem than you think.

Do you want her to be one of those people who can't hold down a job and can't make good friends and who find the real world extremely difficult to cope with?

Okay thank you for your comments I clearly am BU

I really do want what's best for DD and don't want her growing up to be a brat. I guess I have minimised her behaviour because it's only been towards me. And day to day she is usually lovely- it's just when she's not she's really not!! It can be very tricky punishing her at the time because she gets herself in such a state it kind of adds fuel to the fire and prolongs the tantrum. I guess that's why I've ended up just talking later about it until she understands and apologises.
What consequences have worked for your DC?

That sounds like the way I dealt with my own dcs.
I have never done punishments, have left them as much independance as possible (even though probably not as much as you!)
And I have been known to confort my child after he had hit his dbro - because actually he was, at the time, flying of the handle, didn't know how to control his anger and felt VERY bad afterwards.

They are now teenagers are absolutely lovely, well behaved, much more independent than their peers.

Oh no, read more than just the OP now!!

Woman up, be a parent, not a friend!

I have heard people say many times 'I want to be a friend to my child' but I would rather be my children's mother! They will have many, many friends throughout their lives but only one Mother! I will keep that thank you very much! I keep that by telling my DC when they have done wrong and doing so immediately.

Your DD is still of an age where she needs immediate consequences, she will struggle to link later punishments to earlier behaviour, even though you 'talk to her and she gets upset', she is actually more upset that you are seemingly cross than about what she did. She is not able to truly link that back to her earlier actions!

A 5 year old who throws toys across a room -and u think you don’t have a problem.

I have worked in nurseries, after school, holiday clubs, teaching assistant and swimming coaching I have worked with lots of children of different age groups and can’t remember any 5 year olds who threw toys across the room, their was the one boy who trashed the room and we had to get all the other kids out on a regular basis- but he had behaviour problems

I think the talking things through is great and a strategy that should always be used where possible.

I also think that screaming at you and point-blank refusing to close a door is ridiculous at any age and not something I'd accept. She's 5. She's still learning about the world in a very controlled, boundaries way. If you don't provide those boundaries she's going to struggle to understand them as she gets older and possibly behave even more unkindly towards you because she doesn't view you as worthy of her respect.

I don't hit my children. I never have and hope I never will. I've had people say "oh I smacked mine, no harm in it" and felt as though I was being judged. It's a shit feeling. But I stand firm because it's about what's right for them. If you truly feel your DD is fine and needs no consequences or boundaries, continue with your current situation. But I agree with the pp's who suggest that more respect isn't a bad thing to seek from your DCs, especially as they get older and push those boundaries harder.

Xpost

I am going against the grain but I would recommend you are reading Alfie Kohn and his book Unconditional Parenting
You do NOT have to have a system of punishment and rewards to educate your child.
You do need a clear idea of what is and isn't acceptable and so is your dd.

If you do go down the route of AK, you'll have to develop a thick skin and a way to explain that your way to 'punish' is different.

Fwiw, ,y mum parented me more or less in that way. I don't remember being punished as a child. I still have developed into a balanced adult?

I really don't agree with treats for good behaviour, that's a given, no rewards for doing what you should be doing anyway.

Are there times when she doesn't get the treat? Do you really say it's gone at the beginning of the week but forget by the end?

I don't know if it's too late but to me you some of what you describe is what I'd call bratty

She is rude to you and you are constantly being told by people I need to be more strict on her then you should probably listen. I have a family member who feels the same, she is baffled as to why as her child has grown older he has no real friends, people don't like him, parents avoid having him around and he is wildly unpopular and a real 'handful'. He has no concept of the fact that actions have consequences or the impact of his behaviour on other people - because he has never been taught this.

This 'casual' parenting where he is in charge a spoilt little brat is not good for him and will be horrendous to deal with in the future - rude children become rude and entitled adults. So I would say YABU, you aren't helping her by taking this approach at all.

As for what conseqences work, just saying NO is usually effective, rewarding good behaviour & losing privileges if rules are broken.

You buy her treats for behaving. That's ridiculous. There's a level of behaviour she should just be at without any treats. No wonder she kicks off. You are a mug to tolerate this from a 5yo.

Toughen up and parent her properly. It might be cute now but in a couple of years she'll be a nightmare. Imagine an 8yo who won't do anything unless mummy buys her a treat. What about school, they don't have the time or inclination to distract her from a tantrum.

If people are commenting on her behaviour they will have noticed it too. I tend to think if 3 independent people have commented on a child's behaviour then the child /parents are in the wrong.

Telling a 5yo you’ll get something “if you’re good” doesn’t mean anything. I don’t even know what “if you’re good” means and I am 46. If this is how you parent her, the decision to get or not get something will seem out of her reach. That is incredibly frustrating.

She needs tangible and immediate consequences. She is too old to continue distracting. Sticker charts work well at the age. Perhaps one for being nice to mummy. Another for example putting her bag and coat away when she gets home from school. Then a 3/4 others tackling very specific behaviour to modify. Once she gets a certain number of stickers, she gets a treat.

Talking things through is great, and your use of natural comsequemces is good too.

But it's more about the rudeness. Rudeness shouldn't be accepted. It's not acceptable to be rude. Rudeness is not respectful, and it also isn't a healthy,way to express one's feelings or frustrations.

Mostly I think it's actually your attitude that needs adjusting. For whatever reason you are worried about being her superior and about being her guide, her parent. She really should not be feeling like your equal at five. She's not. And you really will need that respect of you as a parent by the time she becomes a teenager or preteen or you will be in serious shit.

DD can be a bit of a handful- is generally fine but can be quite stubborn and at times rude to me if she's not getting her own way

I can honestly say my 6yo DD has never been rude to me. Well, she was but only once. I told her it was absolutely unacceptable and it was NOT to ever happen again. You need to sort that out.

"When she has been rude I just distract her at the time then when we are alone and in quiet explain to her why her behaviour was unacceptable and why it upset me. I talk to her until she understands."

That is a consequence. It's about as much of one as 5YOs understand and much better than shouting. My only observation is that later is less effective. Anything more than a few min later and it doesn't have as much impact. The natural consequences about the toy was a perfect way to handle it.

The key issue is can you assert authority when you need to? Will she comply when it's really important. I'm not sure seeing you as a peer is a healthy way to view things- she isn't your peer and there are times that's important. If she doesn't respect you, she will not respect herself and others; but you don't need to get respect by battling every time.

Ultimately it has to be the way you decide, but if a lot of people are worried it's probably worth listening and taking some value from what they say.

You do NOT have to have a system of punishment and rewards to educate your child.
You do need a clear idea of what is and isn't acceptable and so is your dd

^^This.

There are many different ways to parent, but ultimately, you do need to teach your child to be cooperative, and to have good social skills (including not being rude). Otherwise she will run into problems in later life.

It can be very tricky punishing her at the time because she gets herself in such a state it kind of adds fuel to the fire and prolongs the tantrum

^ she's learnt that by doing this means you don't discipline her. Parenting is not easy and it's at times like these that it's really important to reinforce that this is not acceptable behavior.

I agree with removing an item. With dd it’s always the newest item, treasured doll, new shoes, dance leotard. For lesser misdemeanours, it’s 24 hours. Nastiness/rudeness its a week.

Surely she needs to have the incident discussed at the time? Not later in the day when so much time has gone by?