To be 'too soft' on DD?

[Yellowmellowyellow]

People are always telling me I need to be stricter with 5yr old DD and to be honest it's really peeing me off!

DD can be a bit of a handful- is generally fine but can be quite stubborn and at times rude to me if she's not getting her own way (which of course isn't ideal but surely all children can be rude to their parents?!).

If we have no plans she decides what she wants to do in evenings/at the weekend, what to eat for dinner, what to wear etc. This has always worked well for us and I like giving her the freedom to decide.
She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people. Is getting along great academically and has good friendships.

But I am constantly being told by people I need to be more strict on her- comments like 'she needs consequences' 'you're far too soft' 'you're making a rod for your own back' 'you wait till she's a teenager' 'I would never let my kids rule the roost like that'

It's making me feel like shit. Am Aibu and being a terrible parent or shall I just ignore the comments and carry on as we are?

Please 🙄

None of that is abuse, it’s discipline.
The word abuse gets bandied around much too liberally.

A well fed, spoilt middle class British child can take the odd skipped meal, frankly 😂

& the kind of toys I meant come out of kinder eggs or come free with magazines.

As I said, the smacking thing is a whole other debate, but it’s better to use it calmly and purposefully than people who plan not to and then do so in anger. Also the word “smack” can mean different things to different people. A light smack on the bum is effective through the shock of it not any pain because there is no pain, just surprise.
& if a child is about to injure themselves or anyone else that’s what you need to do, surprise them so they pay attention.

We never tolerate rudeness - ever. Our dds would be more likely to fly to the moon than be rude to us. Was the same in both dh and my own families when we were kids, my siblings families are the same. We are very loving and friendly with our children but zero tolerance of backchat. I am horrified by how some kids are allowed to talk to their parents. Imo the parents are totally wet and not doing their dc any favours.

You do know it's very likely your dd will treat other parents the way she treats you when she is on play dates and they will not be impressed? I have been ordered about by some little darlings - obviously how they speak to mum. They don't get a second invite.

I can’t understsnd how people think little children can be so manipulative, reading some of these posts! She’s 5 years old!

You are kidding right? I have seen children much younger than 5 who are world class experts in manipulating their parents!

Daisy, it's not just discipline. There are lots of ways to discipline kids that don't involve depriving them of food, shaming them or hurting them.

If it was abuse I am sure the health visitor would have said something, eh?

None of this is a big secret. 😊 DD tells everyone, impart from anything else.

She tells everyone everything, being a happy, vocal, polite, intelligent child with no emotional issues of any kind.

I have talked to many people, professionals and otherwise, some who agree, some who don’t.
Nobody has ever accused me of abusing my kids 😊 (except whoever did a few comments ago but 🙄)

& I know many, many parents who smack their child’s bum on occasion. & many who don’t.
They are all good parents, with their child’s interests at heart, who want to raise children who aren’t spoilt brats.

😊

So now I am starving, shaming and hurting my child?

Inflammatory much 😂

I have been ordered about by some little darlings
Same here, and they get short shrift from me (ie: that it's my house, my rules and they are to do as they are jolly well told or else).

Sometimes my dc will obligingly tell them that yes, I do mean it

You are giving your child way too much control and she has no idea what to do with it.
She behaves better with other people because she knows they are in charge and that makes her feel safe.She does not want a peer - she wants a parent.
How will she learn to play nicely with other kids when she is always in control of what happens at home ie what your family do on the weekend and what you eat
You do not need to use punishments and rewards other than approval/disapproval but they do need to know here the boundaries are.

I am horrified by how some kids are allowed to talk to their parents. Imo the parents are totally wet and not doing their dc any favours

I agree, it's shocking what some parents tolerate from their kids. Like this for example:

My daughter fully rules the roost here, she's a dream at preschool, grandparents etc but tbh she has been rude to me on occasion, always apologises afterwards & although others will say I'm wrong I'm like you & think it's not that big a deal

Poor kid's probably acting up because she's terrified. IMO these kids are silently screaming "take charge, help me out" Kids can't cope with all that responsibility and people think it's funny to say "oh my little one rules the roost"

We never tolerate rudeness - ever. Our dds would be more likely to fly to the moon than be rude to us. Was the same in both dh and my own families when we were kids, my siblings families are the same. We are very loving and friendly with our children but zero tolerance of backchat.

This exactly, 100%. My kids never backtalked to me, ever, because they knew there would be Hell to pay, and when I was growing up, it never would have even crossed my mind that I could be rude and disrespectful to my parents. And I have never used physical discipline on my children, and I was never hit as a child. No spanking, no nothing. It's simply a matter of instilling manners and control of emotions from the beginning, not waiting until they're a nightmare 5 year old and hoping new rules work. I am absolutely horrified by how so many kids speak to their parents. You hear this bullshit all the time now, and it was a massive rarity to hear it when I was growing up.

The problem with your child treating you like "a peer" is that it can be cute in some ways when they are little. When you are being faced with a stroppy teenager treating you like shit because it's how they have always treated you, you will wish you could turn the clock back to where you are right now, and do things differently.

Could it be are you talking to these people about scenarios that you are unhappy with and they are simply making suggestions? If you think she’s doing well at school and they have no concerns about her behaviour then I don’t think you HAVE to change anything. Personally I wouldn’t like my child being rude to me, but you set the boundaries in your life.
It’s totally ok to have boundaries and assert your authority. It’s a fact of life that as a parent you are not her friend.
If you’re into a ‘gentle’ approach there are lots of resources out there. You don’t have to do it the traditional way.
Once you’ve decided on a parenting style own it! You’ll still get advice you don’t want but don’t we all.

Oh dear. It will get worse OP. Nip it in the bud asap.
She has no respect for you and is ruling the roost. Sometimes small children don't need too much choice I found.

I agree, unlimited choice and freedom are not actually what a child needs. They do feel more secure with an adult taking charge and taking responsibility.
Sometimes they play up in attempt to find where the boundaries are.

It's not cruel to discipline your child. As suggested, there are plenty of ways to do it without resorting to shouting or giving severe punishment.

I think it's worse to over indulge them. It will affect not only your relationship as they grow up, but they may struggle socially. Children don't want to play with someone who wants their own way and will have a strop to achieve it!

Don't be one of those despairing parents of a teen wailing "I don't know where I went wrong. They have no respect for me."

I was with you entirely up to your update. I have a similar relationship with my daughter where she is involved in a lot of decisions. She can certainly decide what to wear (as long as it is activity appropriate) and she gets a vote on Friday nights takeaway tea. I am somewhat relaxed about how she speaks to me - BUT I do know how to put my foot down and if I say it must be done then it gets done and she would not get away with screaming at me.

Don't be one of those despairing parents of a teen wailing "I don't know where I went wrong. They have no respect for me."

Especially if they 'behave' everywhere else. What you end up with is a child/young adult who treats you like dirty and no one believes you as 'they're always lovely with us!'. It happened with my youngest sibling, got away with murder at home, yet wouldn't put a toe out of line in situations where there was immediate consequences to bad/rude/disrespectful behaviour. They grew up into someone who was very lazy and disrespectful at home and is now not holding it together as an young adult and have to manage their own behaviour.

You're a parent, not a friend. You love her, guide her and ultimately have to be tough on bad behaviour. If she can't respect you, the top figure in her life, that doesn't bode well for your future relationship. Do you want her to see you as 'mum' or as 'doormat' and 'pushover'?

I have a five year old OP, he has his moments but in general he's very well behaved, not just at school.

Personally I think you need to start by addressing the rudeness immediately, not leaving till later. If she's rude, tell her that what she said is rude and you don't like it. Don't do it again. For the door example, I would have picked her up, brought her in, shut the door and given her a 'time out' - we don't really call it anything, but it's just putting them in their room to calm down. Once she's calm, that's when you can tell her you were not happy with her behaviour because XYZ, and that she needs to apologise and not do it again. Then kisses and cuddles and I love yous all round.

The toy one - well, actually I think that's a pretty good way to deal with it. She's delivered her own consequence by breaking her own toy. If it was happening a lot I'd probably remove things and leave her with only stuffed toys but actually, at five, she should be starting to understand that sometimes actions have unforeseen negative consequences.

Dinner time - choice is fine. From two options. Not all. Chilli or spag Bol? Pizza or pasta? That sort of stuff.

Good luck! Don't be upset that people have brought it up with you - you're able to take on board feedback and I'm sure in no time you'll notice a clear improvement. She's only five, very malleable

Oh what an essay sorry

I agree Diana direct consequences work best immediately after any bad behaviour. Don't wait until hours later to discuss it. You're in danger of treating her like an adult, with adult emotions by getting too involved with explanations of your feelings long after the event.

There are situations where she won't have a choice and has to do as you say so you need to have the tools to handle that.
At the dentist, crossing the road, sitting on a plane or taking medicine for example. It will be confusing for her that that she can't rule in those situations.

OP, by accepting rudeness towards yourself but not towards others, what you are teaching her is that rudeness towards the woman of the house does not matter, that it is not in the same category as others, that the woman of the house is an "only me" who should not lay claim to feelings on the same level as other people.

Remember that one day she is going to be that woman of the house. And then think about why this may not be the kindest thing you can teach her.

I have had to deal with some seriously difficult behaviour due to illness and MH problems. But I have always been prepared to pull up any member of my family and remind them that I am a person too and my feelings matter just as much as yours do.

I haven't needed to resort to draconian punishments like throwing things in the bin, but I have been very careful not to let even casual rudeness towards me pass and become a habit. As Holger says, slowly and over time.

Draconian punishments like throwing a small piece of plastic in the bin.

Believe me nothing of value, meaning to DD or sentimental value of any kind has ever gone in my bin (unless broken beyond repair obviously).

She needs consequences - you're not her friend, you're her parent! I would imagine the reason she's well-behaved with other people is because she knows she won't get away with her tantrums with them.
This ^^. And I wouldn't be surprised if her tears later on when you have a chat are prompted by knowing they'll stop the chat quicker for cuddles. One PITA teenager on the way... Good luck on that one.

@DaisyRaine90

Your little girl will be posting on the stately homes threads in years to come.

Buying her stuff doesn't mean youre not emotionally (and physically) abusing her.

She does unfortunately sound like she could be headed to spoilt territory. Treats for being good, she gets to choose what you do on a weekend, etc she's rude and disrespectful to you.
I can see why other people are concerned tbh.

It does sound like she wants you to start being a parent to her not a best pal