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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be 'too soft' on DD?

186 replies

Yellowmellowyellow · 16/10/2017 20:09

People are always telling me I need to be stricter with 5yr old DD and to be honest it's really peeing me off!

DD can be a bit of a handful- is generally fine but can be quite stubborn and at times rude to me if she's not getting her own way (which of course isn't ideal but surely all children can be rude to their parents?!).

If we have no plans she decides what she wants to do in evenings/at the weekend, what to eat for dinner, what to wear etc. This has always worked well for us and I like giving her the freedom to decide.
She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people. Is getting along great academically and has good friendships.

But I am constantly being told by people I need to be more strict on her- comments like 'she needs consequences' 'you're far too soft' 'you're making a rod for your own back' 'you wait till she's a teenager' 'I would never let my kids rule the roost like that'

It's making me feel like shit. Am Aibu and being a terrible parent or shall I just ignore the comments and carry on as we are?

OP posts:
puglife15 · 16/10/2017 21:47

My friends' parenting styles vary from pretty strict to gentle, and I'd say their kids' behaviour is broadly similar tbh.

My son is rude to me fairly often, I've pulled him up on it, ignored it, talked to him about it, tried to understand why he is rude, shouted at him over it even - nothing appears to work long term. It seems related to his moods and tiredness. It's one thing saying rudeness is not acceptable, it's another to find a way to erase it effectively.

LuchiMangsho · 16/10/2017 21:49

My son is 5. There is a handful of kids in their class who would behave like that in private. Most kids have outgrown that behaviour by 5. Of the kids who haven't two have SN and the other 3 have extremely lax parents (one boy hits his mum repeatedly and calls her names and she says, 'now now dear that's not nice.)'

I am a strict mum. And no I don't have rewards for good behaviour. But at the same time DS has some freedom. He can wear what he likes. If he makes a reasonable request I try to fulfill it (half term started today and he asked for pizza for lunch and I said, why not...I am working till Friday so I didn't mind indulging him today). But he treat is a nice reward because it isn't constant.

How often do you say 'no' to your child?
Because there is one school of thought that we should always parent positively etc. But the reality is that kids do need to hear a 'no' from someone they can trust and a 'no' is sometimes a 'no'. It isn't to be followed by negotiations or a promise of doing xyz later. It's just a 'no'. If you wish it sparingly and well but stay firm you will have to use it less often.

Finally, of course you are not her peer. Come on. You are her mum. Her parent. She is relying on you to set her moral compass. Her boundaries. You can't do that effectively if you see her as your equal.

1DAD2KIDS · 16/10/2017 21:49

I am in no place to tell you how to raise your kids. I am not in your shoes and your kids are not mine.

All I can do is share my parenting experience that has worked for me in producing two happy, friendly and well behaved kids. I was always very strict with the kids even from when they were toddlers. Some people especially the former in laws (who by the way are great and I love) kept telling me I was a bit strict and would sometime try to undermine my discipline. But as well as being strict and not accepting poor behaviour I have always let them know I love them and there is nothing they can do to make me stop loving them. I have also always let them know (more applicable to my elder daughter) that if they have messed up it can always be resolved and I will help them. What ever happens, and what ever action I take it always ends in a kiss and a cuddle and letting them know I love them.

For me the proof is in the pudding, they are great kids. The former in laws always say how well behaved they are. The I tell them that's because I was so strict and now they see why. Its hard sometimes but far more easier to start like that than to become more like that as the kids are older I can imagine. I think being strict from the start has made my life easier now, especially being out numbered 2 to 1. Also I believe well disciplined kids are generally far happier kids? Makes sense when you think about it? Far better to keep receiving positive praise for being good than negative attention for being bad all the time. So despite all the doubters in my strict parenting style I think the kids have benefited and are far more happier children as a result.

By the way being strict isn't about being angry or loud. I always keep my calm (externally at least). My little boy is two and I never surrender to toddler terrorism. I will not be held to ransom in the supermarket with him kicking and screaming on the supermarket floor, despite the disapproval of some. I would just calmly carry on with doing the shopping and ignore him. Oddly enough he soon realised this method gets him nowhere and soon stopped doing it. Now he's good as gold. But sometimes you need a willpower far greater than theirs. If you surrender once to child terrorism its makes it all the more harder to win the next battle.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2017 21:49

Clearly, the biggest issue you need to tackle is her rudeness and disrespect. It simply cannot be tolerated. And that goes both ways. She will never learn acceptable behaviour if you are rude, sarcastic, etc to her. When my kids were young, I let them know that it's perfect ok to be frustrated, angry, or irritated, but it's how you handle those emotions is what matters. Losing control and throwing toys, slamming doors, or speaking/yelling rudely is NOT acceptable and there will be consequences if control is lost.

HolgerDanske · 16/10/2017 21:51

You don't need to erase it completely. You do need to make it clear that it's not the right way to behave, and teach them, slow,y and over time, more appropriate ways to deal with anger/frustration/tiredness/etc.

It's about taking one's job as a parent seriously, and making the effort to teach In whatever way best reaches that child. It is not about leaving them with little to no sense of boundaries, and little to no understanding of the very real principle that they're not actually the centre of the universe.

GinIsIn · 16/10/2017 21:52

You are treating her like she's an adult, and she's 5. 5 year olds' brains just don't work like an adults - you can't wait until later then explain until she cries - her brain isn't making a correlation between that and the direct action that caused the lecture.

Children need immediate pay offs or consequences - if this, then that. You need to help her identify unacceptable behaviour and then immediately take steps to remedy that behaviour. You can't just give in at the time then chat about it later.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 16/10/2017 21:52

You bribe her with treats and let her get away with murder... If so many people have commented on her behaviour, it's got to be awful.

You're not her buddy; you're her mother. Step up and discipline her!

AcrossthePond55 · 16/10/2017 21:55

As far as talking later, I've done that at times with mine when they were little and the situation warranted it. Neither of them 'tantrummed', but both could be upset by 'getting in trouble'. Normally I'd deal with misbehaviour immediately, but I don't think there's really anything wrong with saying "You are upset now. I will wait until you have calmed down but we will talk about what happened and there will be consequences".

And I agree with others, your child doesn't need another 'friend', I'm sure she has plenty. What she needs is a paren, one who sets boundaries and expects good behaviour.

EvilDoctorBallerinaVampireDuck · 16/10/2017 21:55

If I was too strict DS2 would dig his heels in. I don't sweat the small stuff.

Chickoletta · 16/10/2017 21:55

Why would you allow anyone to be rude to you? Let alone a 5 year old...

puglife15 · 16/10/2017 21:56

Woah people send their 4 year olds to bed without dinner and get them to throw their own toys in the bin if they try to snatch them??

Think I'd rather be too soft.

GreyCloudsToday · 16/10/2017 21:59

I think you need to be careful putting too much emphasis on the fact that she's well behaved at school. She may be getting the boundaries she needs there. Behaviour is contextual - if she's not behaving well at home with you, that's the issue you really need to address.

Flowers because I definitely don't get it right all the time with my 3yo!

Rainatnight · 16/10/2017 21:59

Crikey, DaisyRaine, some of your methods sound quite...full on. Bed without dinner, smacking, and putting her own toys in the bin for a four year old? In fact, I think it sounds abusive.

Crunchymum · 16/10/2017 22:00

To the poster who sends her 4yo to bed without dinner? WTAF?

EvilDoctorBallerinaVampireDuck · 16/10/2017 22:00

You're not her peer, you're her mother.

HolgerDanske · 16/10/2017 22:00

I don't believe in harshness.

I am always on my child's side.

And part of that is gently but firmly teaching them to behave well.

xrayyankeezulu · 16/10/2017 22:01

I think everyone has different parenting styles tbh OP.

My daughter fully rules the roost here, she's a dream at preschool, grandparents etc but tbh she has been rude to me on occasion, always apologises afterwards & although others will say I'm wrong I'm like you & think it's not that big a deal.

Fwiw I was spoilt rotten as a kid, don't think my parents ever said no to me & you know what, I grew up to be humble, appreciative, generous & hardworking. I also have by far the best relationship with my parents out of any of my friendship group.

DaisyRaine90 · 16/10/2017 22:02

You only have to do those things once or twice with even a very strong willed child though and the behaviour stops (when they know you are in charge not them).
Forever after it works as a deterrent.

Then the rest of the time you can enjoy their company without them being rude to you etc. 😊
Because they know if you say you will do something, you will always follow through.

The worst thing you can do is say you’ll do something and then not do it in my eyes.

LuckLuckLUCK · 16/10/2017 22:03

Not all children are rude to their parents!

CherriesInTheSnow · 16/10/2017 22:05

I wouldn't want my child to be good because they were afraid I would smack them though :(

puglife15 · 16/10/2017 22:06

Daisy just imagine a man said that about a woman...

If a man hit a woman, deprived her of food when she had no other option to eat, forced her to throw her belongings in the bin because he didn't like the way she was acting - would that be ok?

What about if he only did those things a few times until she got the message?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/10/2017 22:06

The way you describe her actions when she can't get her own way sounds like tantrumming to me. She has learnt that this gets results.
The longer it goes unaddressed, the harder it will be to deal with.

I think you need to stop excusing her behaviour. No need to turn into a hard disciplinarian but children are happier and more secure with boundaries in place.

It's quite important that the child doesn't have the world revolving around them at home and to encourage some empathy for others.

missymayhemsmum · 16/10/2017 22:06

If you can give her choices and allow her some freedoms but she will also accept it when you say no, and does as you ask her you don't have a problem.
If she treats you as having no authority, is rude to you regularly, won't do as she's told or accept your decisions without a major drama you have a problem and need to have some firmer boundaries.
If you don't have authority when she's 5 you have no chance when she's 15. Expect and demand polite obedience to reasonable requests.

holidayqueriwifi · 16/10/2017 22:10

This must be a reverse. You sound like a nightmare to be around.

Getoutofthatgarden · 16/10/2017 22:10

My son is rude to me fairly often, I've pulled him up on it, ignored it, talked to him about it, tried to understand why he is rude, shouted at him over it even - nothing appears to work long term. It seems related to his moods and tiredness

Or lack of respect for his mother.