To be 'too soft' on DD?

[Yellowmellowyellow]

People are always telling me I need to be stricter with 5yr old DD and to be honest it's really peeing me off!

DD can be a bit of a handful- is generally fine but can be quite stubborn and at times rude to me if she's not getting her own way (which of course isn't ideal but surely all children can be rude to their parents?!).

If we have no plans she decides what she wants to do in evenings/at the weekend, what to eat for dinner, what to wear etc. This has always worked well for us and I like giving her the freedom to decide.
She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people. Is getting along great academically and has good friendships.

But I am constantly being told by people I need to be more strict on her- comments like 'she needs consequences' 'you're far too soft' 'you're making a rod for your own back' 'you wait till she's a teenager' 'I would never let my kids rule the roost like that'

It's making me feel like shit. Am Aibu and being a terrible parent or shall I just ignore the comments and carry on as we are?

Nobody is being emotionally or physically abused.

& what is the Stately homes thread?

Yeah your child is. You bully her. You try and avoid her causing pain to herself or someone else by... causing pain? And if the smack doesnt cause a physical effect whats the point of doing it? Completely illogical and lazy parenting. If its all fine then you'd be happy for a man to treat you this way? I sure as hell wouldn't.

I don't think talking to a child about what they have done wrong until they cry, is gentle parenting.

I didn’t say it doesn’t cause an effect I said it doesn’t cause pain.

I don’t bully my child, I discipline her.

There’s so much of this now. I’ve been bullied and abused and people misusing those words cheapens the experiences of people who have genuinely been bullied and abused.

I used to get smacked out of anger and with force, objects etc. as a child by one parent (divorced parents) and get a controlled smack as a discipline technique by the other.

One was abusive, the other was discipline.
Although I would not constitute any of it as abuse. I would rather have been smacked and loved than have my needs neglected.

All my children’s financial, educational, social and emotional needs are met. She is a very happy child, and knows the boundaries.

I’ve never taken her to a stately home, but I suppose old buildings and museums are along the same theme.

I am open to be educated how to do it differently, but just finger pointing and making out as though I do not love and am harming my child?? Nothing constructive there. Just finger pointing and judging.

Excuse me for being honest. 🙄

I agree with brasty, you mean very well and that's clear but you're massively over complicating things for your little one.

She needs and will feel more secure with you in a proper parenting role, and at that age actions should be met with immediate consequences/explanations and then left. Upsetting her near bed time is not good for her and will have little impact on her behaviour anyway.

As an aside, children should not be hit, sorry. There is no justification for teaching them physically hitting someone is an appropriate response, ever. It's also confusing for them. The fact that you have been hit as a child yourself explains why you can justify it to yourself but there is really no one who knows a lot about child development who will ever tell you it is okay.

Yes agreed. A short explanation and consequence is far better. No need to make it so emotional. So breaking a toy - the natural consequences you use are good. Oh your toy is broken, you won't be able to play with it now you threw it. Of course she will get upset at this, but that is fine.
The door thing I would have simply asked her to close the door, and then if she said no I would have said if you don't x will happen now. And then asked her again, and if she didn't short consequence. It doesn't have to be a big thing either, and it should be immediate.

When she's a teenager and still screaming back at you, being rude etc it will probably impact you a lot more, not to mention other members of the family. When she's all sunshine and light with others and awful to you it will be soul destroying for you.

You need to nip this behaviour in the bud.

Daisy I smacked my 4 year old once, in complete frustration, as she just would NOT get ready for bed. She immediately capitulated and started apologising profusely for her behaviour.

I didn't think "oh well done me, what brilliant parenting" - I thought "fucking hell, what power I have to inflict fear in my child, I must never do that again".

I felt sick with the change in her behaviour. I asked myself what I could have done differently, and the answer was that in extremis, if my child is not listening to me, I leave the room. It works every time. I leave the room until both of us have calmed down, for a couple of minutes, and to have a think about what to do. Children want our attention and it can turn into a maelstrom of tired reactions on both sides as we try to solve a problem. My daughter does not ever want me to leave the room, but if I think I'm losing perspective on the situation, that is exactly what I do.

It is so much better. This idea that smacking is the holy grail of boundary-setting is utter nonsense. It's the path you have chosen. It is not the path of ultimate boundary-setting. Not at all.

I never said it was the only way to set boundaries. I said in an earlier post that it was something I used very occasionally.

No holy grail 😂

I would feel guilty if I smacked my child in frustration too.

If I tap her on the hand for waving a toy really close to a babies face? No such guilt as it’s a completely different thing.

Your little girl will be posting on the stately homes threads in years to come

Don't be so dramatic. No-one will be traumatized just because their parents disciplined them. You're confusing discipline with abuse.

Withholding food as a form of discipline is abuse. And smacking a child for waving at all around a baby's face is just ridiculous. What's wrong with asking her not to do it or just gently taking the toy off her and asking her to be careful?

Tapping a child on the hand is not smacking. You're shifting the goalposts to match your argument.

Crikey op, you've got some 2 year old behaviour there. She's shown she knows how to behave from how she is at school and with her peers. You need to be expecting that same level. Cut down on the discussion, if she knows she shouldn't be doing it then have a concequence ready to go. Don't be afraid of tantrums or her kicking off, it's usually a positive thing in that they're understanding that you (actually) mean 'no'.

You're a parent not a buddy, good luck!

Oh dear a friend of mine used your tactics OP, she let her ds dictate what happened at weekends, she showered him with choices about everything, she “didn’t believe in” consequences, she belief in constant negotiations and long explanations.
Now she bitterly regrets it all, talk about it all coming back to bite her on the bum!

Do your dd a favour and start parenting her.

I have 2 DDs (8 and 5); they’re both capable of being rude but DH and I definitely don’t tolerate it. They are both adopted so parenting has to be done differently, especially as DD1 has Attachment Disorder.

For sanctions, we dock their pocket money by £1 per day (they get £5 per week so it’s very rare that they lose all of it).

DD2 in particular (same age as your DD) can be very rude, but I refuse to listen to what she’s saying unless she talks in a respectful manner. She knows what that means! DD1 has learned now.

I don’t approve at all of Daisy’s method of sending upstairs without dinner. That is actually abuse and Social Services would take that very seriously, whereas smacking is legal so they wouldn’t intervene unless the smacking was with an implement in your hand or you left a bruise.

If you’d be mortified if she was rude to a teacher, why is that? Is it because you think she should show respect to a teacher?
Do you not think she should show respect to you?

Sorry, but sending a well fed child to bed without dinner is not abuse. Starving a child, yes. But sending a child who had a snack not long ago, is being naughty and over tired to bed without any food is not abuse by any stretch of the imagination (though their are lots of lovely idealists on here who I’m sure have never shouted at their kids or made them cry and live in fairy land)

My post said tapping her hand or smacking her bum. So if you are going to bother argue with me because of what I wrote in one of my previous posts please take the time to read it 😊

Yes nearly smacking a child in the head with a toy once would be a warning, twice would be warning number 2 and toy removed, then a consequence (eg. Time out)
If that child came off time out and immediately did the same thing on purpose?? There needs to be a different repercussion as they are not learning from the previous methods. I never said it was my first response to anything, ever. Impart from anything else there are always two warnings for any bad behaviour in my house.

I have had a full and open conversation with my Health Visitor about the way I discipline my DD and they have no concerns of any kind.

I have also told my counsellor and she didn’t report me to SS either. Why would she I have not done anything abusive??

So yeah, by all means disagree with someone’s methods but branding someone an abuser for disciplining their kids in a different way to you is more than a bit strong.

Honestly I think not disciplining your children and letting them run riot is more neglectful and abusive than showering them with love but having strict consequences.

If you employ a NANNY in this country they can spank your child (with permission) so please don’t act as though it is not something legal and which happens on a very regular basis in this country 🙄

So many more people are hypocrites though, they will say to your face they don’t do it, but in private??

yesterday I asked her to shut the back door as it was getting cold, she point-blank refused then screamed at me. I stood by the door like a pillockfor 15 minutes holding it shut until she gave up. It was discussed later in the day and she cried and said sorry for being so naughty.

Oh fuck that for a game of soldiers. I wouldn't be having that from a 2 year old. Move her away, remove the key and put it up high and discipline her for screaming at you. You're raising a spoilt brat OP. You're not her peer, you're her parent. The clue is in the title. The reason she behaves so well with others is most likely because she knows well and good that they won't be putting up with any such shit.

No one's suggested whipping out a rod and beating her but for crying out loud grow a backbone and discipline your child.

Time out would be a good start 😊 and saying a clear “no” and sticking to it

And please do not sit and talk to her until she cries.I actually think that is too harsh a punishment, that does not actually work for a 5 year old. It should be saved for really serious stuff.