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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be 'too soft' on DD?

186 replies

Yellowmellowyellow · 16/10/2017 20:09

People are always telling me I need to be stricter with 5yr old DD and to be honest it's really peeing me off!

DD can be a bit of a handful- is generally fine but can be quite stubborn and at times rude to me if she's not getting her own way (which of course isn't ideal but surely all children can be rude to their parents?!).

If we have no plans she decides what she wants to do in evenings/at the weekend, what to eat for dinner, what to wear etc. This has always worked well for us and I like giving her the freedom to decide.
She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people. Is getting along great academically and has good friendships.

But I am constantly being told by people I need to be more strict on her- comments like 'she needs consequences' 'you're far too soft' 'you're making a rod for your own back' 'you wait till she's a teenager' 'I would never let my kids rule the roost like that'

It's making me feel like shit. Am Aibu and being a terrible parent or shall I just ignore the comments and carry on as we are?

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 17/10/2017 18:01

OP, Flowers You are doing your best like every mum, and as your DD behaves beautifully with others and at school, you are more than half way there! That fact you can stand by a door for 15 minutes, shows what a kind, patient person you are, be very proud of that and just tweak things a little and you will resolve any behaviour 'problems' much quicker.

I agree with brasty's posts: especially this:
A short explanation and consequence is far better. No need to make it so emotional. So breaking a toy - the natural consequences you use are good. Oh your toy is broken, you won't be able to play with it now you threw it. Of course she will get upset at this, but that is fine.
The door thing I would have simply asked her to close the door, and then if she said no I would have said if you don't x will happen now. And then asked her again, and if she didn't short consequence. It doesn't have to be a big thing either, and it should be immediate.

KERALA1 · 17/10/2017 18:02

That door example is shocking even to read let alone witness. No wonder people are commenting OP. What are you so frightened of? I think the non disciplining parents are often so so insecure in themselves that they worry that remonstrating with their children even mildly may mean the child won't "like" them. Its just not how it works and is really really wet.

brasty · 17/10/2017 18:03

Its not shocking. Its just not the best way to get a 5 year old child to behave.

Getoutofthatgarden · 17/10/2017 18:06

I don’t approve at all of Daisy’s method of sending upstairs without dinner. That is actually abuse and Social Services would take that very seriously

SeriouslyHmm no, they would laugh you out of the place. This is not the same as starving a child.

brasty · 17/10/2017 18:08

SS would not consider that abuse. The OP offered a meal, the kids rejected it.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 17/10/2017 18:08

I agree, it isn't shocking. Smacking or yelling at a child is shocking imo.

brasty · 17/10/2017 18:09

And lots of kids will reject meals if they get crisps and/or sweets or similar instead.
Just as my pets turn their nose up at things they would happily eat when I first got them. Spoilt little beggars they are

DaisyRaine90 · 17/10/2017 18:09

Thank you getoutofthegarden. I know some child protection social workers socially and they have their hands full with real problems.

They discipline their children much the same way I do 😊 some smack and some don’t, otherwise I am no harsher (I may actually be more laid back tbh)

Mittens1969 · 17/10/2017 18:25

I did say smacking was legal; I have been known to tap my DDs’ hands before myself. I think smacking anywhere else is excessive.

I didn’t get the impression that Daisy was talking about sending her DCs upstairs without any dinner because they were refusing to eat; that’s fine, and I certainly wouldn’t advocate giving them snacks instead. I thought it was a punishment decision to deprive them of a meal - if I’m wrong I apologise. Depriving a meal is abusive. What I meant was that if a child said at school that their parents sometimes didn’t give them a meal in the evening then the school might well alert SS. But not if the child refused to eat the meal that was served, no.

brasty · 17/10/2017 18:26

No the children are refusing to eat the meal because they want crisps and sweets instead.

DaisyRaine90 · 17/10/2017 18:27

It’s when she’s naughty at the dinner table sorry if that was unclear 😊

Mittens1969 · 17/10/2017 18:38

Fair enough. I normally use pudding (mostly yoghurt) as incentive to finish their meal.

kali110 · 17/10/2017 21:24

DaisyRaine90 better call ss on yourself Grin

GeorgeTheHamster · 17/10/2017 21:45

The thing is, she needs you to be her parent, not her peer. You need to aim for calm authority, not going on about things until she cries. She needs to know you are in charge.

Barbie222 · 17/10/2017 22:30

I think you get what you tolerate. It's time to move on from distraction. Consequence then apology. Make sure she apologises for the exact wrong: if she says sorry, you prompt her "sorry for...".

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 18/10/2017 01:08

I always felt the apology was important too,it is part of the consequence of your behavior.A short bit on the reason something is not. Ok,few minutes time out to think about it and apology,thank you for apologising and carry on normal activity.
At 5 my dd knew I was the grown up and in charge.You have to be consistent and the rules apply to everyone ( like me apologising for being rude by telling her to shut up when I was pushed to far).
Tackle it now,it will be tough but you will both benefit in the long run.
Also limit the treats otherwise you have limited means for bribery when needed.😉

xrayyankeezulu · 18/10/2017 12:58

@Getoutofthatgarden how dare you copy my text then use it to ridicule me? I wasn't using 'rule the roost' to be funny at all, I was stating fact, you parent your kids how you see fit & I'll do the same. I was merely trying to give the OP a view from another perspective considering she was getting a bashing. My DD is spoilt I admit as was I as a child, my mother was definitely more of a friend than a parent to me & we have the same relationship now 35 years on.

I spend every day working with domestic violence victims helping them leave abusive relationships - see I didn't turn out to be that much of a cunt did I!! Throughout my career I've seen lots of horrible things & lots of 'terrified' children & I can assure you that mine is most certainly not one of them!!

Getoutofthatgarden · 18/10/2017 15:15

@xrayyankeezulu

You sound proud that your daughter is spoiled. No-one called you a cuntConfused. What's your job got to do with anything?

xrayyankeezulu · 18/10/2017 15:49

@Getoutofthatgarden an experience of 'terrified' children Confused

Getoutofthatgarden · 18/10/2017 16:55

@xrayyankeezulu

Listen, you've already said other people tell you they think you're wrong but you don't think it's a big deal so I'm not getting into it with you.

xrayyankeezulu · 18/10/2017 17:54

@Getoutofthatgarden thought as much, you should probably think twice about copying other peoples comments then

DaisyRaine90 · 18/10/2017 19:10

*Kali110
*
Not going to waste the cost of a call (or their time). 😂

Original poster
Yellowmellowyellow · 18/10/2017 20:55

Thanks for all your comments.

Lots of tips on this thread some I will definitely implement, others not in a million years!!

Funny how some people think I'm a mug and others thinking I'm horrible for talking till she cries! Just goes to show you can never get it right when it comes to parenting eh?!

Though anyone that said I need to 'start parenting her' can fuck right off, I have raised her single handedly for 4 years, fed her (every night!), kept a roof over her head, shown her love, happiness and security and God knows what else- if that's not parenting I don't know what is Grin

We are 99% happy with the ways things are, I will continue to strive to be the perfect parent and work on her attitude with me. The biggest thing I've taken from this thread is I think people need to be less critical of different parenting styles- what works for one does not work for all.

OP posts:
Getoutofthatgarden · 18/10/2017 21:03

@xrayyankeezulu

Sorry? You thought as much about what? Are you new here? If you have a look round it's something that people do when they want to discuss a particular comment someone has made. IT'S A PUBLIC FORUM. If you don't want some-one to discuss things about you then don't put your business up on A PUBLIC FORUM. Get a grip of yourself.

corythatwas · 19/10/2017 10:28

"Funny how some people think I'm a mug and others thinking I'm horrible for talking till she cries! Just goes to show you can never get it right when it comes to parenting eh?!"

No, I think it shows what somebody did say further up, that this simply is neither the kindest nor the most effective way of getting results. With young children, effective often is the same as kind.

Sitting her down to talk about how you feel until she cries seems like a gentle approach, but if it becomes a habit to guilt-trip her into believing she is responsible for your happiness then it could become less kind. Briefly lifting her to one side to close the door seems harsher on the surface than 15 minutes of explanations, but if it means you can then move on to something pleasant, then it may actually be the kinder solution.

Letting her decide what the two of you do the entire weekend, every weekend, may seem kinder at the time, but it also sends the message that as a grown woman, her interests and pleasures will have to take a back seat. It won't be long before she starts thinking about what her life as a grown woman is going to be like. Make sure the picture you paint is a bearable one.

People who have studied parenting styles have usually ended up concluding that the middle road known as authoritative works out kinder than either permissive or authoritarian.