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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be 'too soft' on DD?

186 replies

Yellowmellowyellow · 16/10/2017 20:09

People are always telling me I need to be stricter with 5yr old DD and to be honest it's really peeing me off!

DD can be a bit of a handful- is generally fine but can be quite stubborn and at times rude to me if she's not getting her own way (which of course isn't ideal but surely all children can be rude to their parents?!).

If we have no plans she decides what she wants to do in evenings/at the weekend, what to eat for dinner, what to wear etc. This has always worked well for us and I like giving her the freedom to decide.
She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people. Is getting along great academically and has good friendships.

But I am constantly being told by people I need to be more strict on her- comments like 'she needs consequences' 'you're far too soft' 'you're making a rod for your own back' 'you wait till she's a teenager' 'I would never let my kids rule the roost like that'

It's making me feel like shit. Am Aibu and being a terrible parent or shall I just ignore the comments and carry on as we are?

OP posts:
FlowerPot1234 · 19/10/2017 10:35

surely all children can be rude to their parents?!

No. You are wrong in your entire premise.

she decides what she wants to do in evenings/at the weekend, what to eat for dinner, what to wear etc. This has always worked well for us and I like giving her the freedom to decide.

Oh dear god.

She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people.

So she saves her selfishness and rudeness just for you? And she puts on this act for others? How delightful.
Hmm

Motoko · 19/10/2017 11:41

Letting her decide what the two of you do the entire weekend, every weekend, may seem kinder at the time, but it also sends the message that as a grown woman, her interests and pleasures will have to take a back seat

OR, when she's a teenager, she'll expect everyone to do what she wants all the time. She needs to learn how to compromise, to understand that sometimes other peoples needs/wants should come first.

Fuckingfuckingfuckingfuked · 19/10/2017 12:16

Daisy Rain making food into a punishment is not smart. Good way to shift an emotional focus onto food, setting up an unhealthy relationship with eating.

Not simply about not starving your child.

kali110 · 19/10/2017 13:11

Getoutofthatgarden that cracked me up! Clearly does not know how this pace works Grin

brasty · 19/10/2017 14:38

I said that I didn't think talking to a 5 year old until they cry, is gentle parenting.
And I think "cory" is right. A very quick thing at the time is kinder for a 5 year old. I do think sitting and talking about something until she cries is a harsh punishment, because she is crying because you are talking about how it makes you feel. That is a heavy burden for a 5 year old. And I think a punishment like this should be for really big things that are unsafe.

A short punishment may lead to a child crying, but it is over quickly with no deeper emotion involved.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 19/10/2017 14:53

I was sent away from the table for misbehaving as a child, sometimes had to miss a meal or pudding. I don't think it's abusive. I learnt not to behave badly and thus avoid that consequence. No none was "starved".

I don't agree that it would set up an unhealthy relationship with food, just as having pocket money docked wouldn't set up an unhealthy relationship with money.

Getoutofthatgarden · 19/10/2017 15:08

kali110

Grin That was very amusing. I got told off.

SatelliteCity · 19/10/2017 15:34

An alternate view. As a child I had a very gentle mother. I sometimes threw temper tantrums or acted up at home. Like the OP her attitude was to talk to me and move on once I understood I'd done something that upset her (usually getting upset myself because I loved her so much and hated her thinking badly of me).

I didn't view her as a peer but I definitely had a relationship with her that was closer to that of a peer than my friends.

I didn't misbehave for others or in school not because I knew I wouldn't get away with it but because I was scared of them and the strange arbitrary (to me as a child) punishments they handed out.

I sometimes acted out at home because I felt safe or was trying to assert myself or test boundaries but never because I wanted to be bad or didn't care I was causing hurt or upset. Realising I'd crossed that line and how bad I felt WAS a punishment to me.

People sometimes used to misinterpret my behaviour to my mother as rude when it wasn't - in the 80s just talking to a parent like another human was apparently letting me run riot. People especially disliked the fact my mother would listen to my point of view and sometimes change her mind if she felt I had a valid point (granted I was older than 5 at that point).

She was definitely told I'd grow up to be an awful teenager. Didn't happen. I was quiet and studious and respectful. By that point I didn't act out with my mother either.

Maybe your kid is boisterous and loud at home because it's safe.

If you're not happy with the situation then absolutely change it - I'm not here you brand consequence-based punishment as evil and mean.

But doing it out of an arbitrary fear she might be a certain type of teenager or because all children objectively need a certain type of parenting seems silly.

I always figured teaching them not to be rude was about making sure, from a social perspective, they weren't disasvantaged by being rude shits and making people hate them, and from an emotional perspective ensuring they don't discount others feelings and act without empathy.

The child OP describes is not ruining others' days and seems very empathetic. I think if OP's happy with their relationship then changing it on the advice of internet strangers based on assumptions about her development and personality is unnecessary.

SatelliteCity · 19/10/2017 15:42

(Sorry two clarifications: my relationship with my mother was closer to that of a peer than my friends relationships with their parents. Secondly it reads like I was well behaved for others only out of fear. That's poorly phrased. I always wanted to be a good girl who was liked. I would have tried to behave anyway. All the spectre of punishment did was make me afraid.)

Ktown · 19/10/2017 15:43

out of my friends, it is the ones with the 'strict' parents that have done best for themselves, both socially and academically.

it is rare that a slack parent raises a well-rounded child.

allowing her to dictate what happens at weekends is nice occasionally. not every weekend. she sounds like she will be a hellish teen. if she doesn't get what she wants then, she will resort to all sorts of threats.

you can put a stop to this now.

KERALA1 · 19/10/2017 19:02

Yes Ktown I see that too.

We and another family in our group are often told how "lucky" we are that our DC don't talk back and are never rude to us and are generally pleasant to be around...

Both DH and I have an extremely low tolerance for Verrucca Salt type behaviour which over indulgent parenting tends to lead to

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