To be 'too soft' on DD?

[Yellowmellowyellow]

People are always telling me I need to be stricter with 5yr old DD and to be honest it's really peeing me off!

DD can be a bit of a handful- is generally fine but can be quite stubborn and at times rude to me if she's not getting her own way (which of course isn't ideal but surely all children can be rude to their parents?!).

If we have no plans she decides what she wants to do in evenings/at the weekend, what to eat for dinner, what to wear etc. This has always worked well for us and I like giving her the freedom to decide.
She is very polite and well mannered at school and when she's been babysat with other people. Is getting along great academically and has good friendships.

But I am constantly being told by people I need to be more strict on her- comments like 'she needs consequences' 'you're far too soft' 'you're making a rod for your own back' 'you wait till she's a teenager' 'I would never let my kids rule the roost like that'

It's making me feel like shit. Am Aibu and being a terrible parent or shall I just ignore the comments and carry on as we are?

It will be different for every child..

Hanging on the door..I would physically pcik the child up and move them ..My 10 year old DS I could not do that so before she gets to the point you can't you have to have control.

A 5 year old does not have that much control. My 10 year old if we are going to watch a DVD together one or the other picks 3 DVD;s the other one gets to choose. He doesn't decide everything.

If I decide to buy a takeaway I decide what we are ordering.He picks his dish. Sometimes She just does what you decide.

I am unsure what she is so upset about..If it is she wants the door open prolonging it will only increase the upset.

Watch supernanny. I don't think you have to shout at a child but there is a definate I am not messing tone

I love my DD, she is the sweetest thing and even though she's only 2 I apart from loving her get along with her personality so well and she genuinely makes me laugh, have a great bond. You absolutely must not view her as a "peer" though; she is your daughter and relies on you to enforce proper boundaries etc. Trust me, once she is older she will not thank you in the long run for being too afraid to have consistent boundaries, giving kids too much choice and freedom is actually not ideal for them emotionally. They need to feel cared for and not responsible for every aspect of their upbringing.

My 5yo dd has started to give a little attitude, especially in front of others. I usually now go with removing access to electronic devices, plus no tv choices (we also have a 2yo who then gets all the choices!). This works pretty well for us. Also I buy treats randomly because of continuous good behaviour, without them having been used as a bribe beforehand.

I can't see how a child that is in such a state will learn anything by being punished in the top of it TBH.

I know it has never worked on my dcs and I had one that was very much like that.

For me the prof is that, if you have to keep punishing for the same thing again and again, then surely that's not the right technique to use because it's not working??

What are your boundaries and what you are teaching her to be acceptable is a different matter.

Fwiw, OP, you have said numerous people have told you your u are too soft
You are also saying that your dd is well behaved at school etc...
So I'm interested, what is school, people who see her wo yu etc... actually tell you about her? Is she rude, is she answering back, being extremely stubborn, throwing things around?
If yes, then I think there is an issue with you not setting boundaries that are strict enough.
If not, then you are very probably in the right track! Because if she was constantly over indulged, she would also be a pain in the arse at school etc...

Do you want her to be one of those people who can't hold down a job and can't make good friends and who find the real world extremely difficult to cope with?

This reminds me of an adult I know, who behaves very like your DD, with her partner. She screams and hurls insults and afterwards claims he shouldn't have been upset because it was just a spur of the moment thing, a letting off steam.

MrsC2000 is right. Your DD gets upset and apologises because she's learnt that's what you want. She isn't really learning anything from it.

You can be authoritative without being strict. Do you think you’re permissive? Do you have clear boundaries? Letting her wear what she likes and eat what she wants to a degree is fine - why do there need to be unnecessary battles. People are so obsessed about children ‘not getting their own way’ when in reality these small things don’t matter. But having boundaries in place is also important.

But she isn't doing that at school or wo th other people does she?
So she KNOWS how to behave and can do that, unlike that friend/partner etc...

So why do you think that this child is going to grow being an awful person when she is actually showing very good behaviour??

I can’t understsnd how people think little children can be so manipulative, reading some of these posts! She’s 5 years old!

Sorry , I mean if she can behave properly at school and her behaviour has never been an issue, then surely she HAS learn from the experience??

Even if she won't be an awful adult Lewis I'm confused as to why it is okay to treat specifically her mother badly. I agree that choices can be made and I don't sweat small things with DD either but rudeness is not okay, it's something that should be consistently challenged and if the OP has had several people commenting on her DD's behaviour as well as feeling the need to start a thread about her DD's behaviour, then obviously something is amiss.

Not the way I do it

But to each their own

Everybody thinks I’m too strict.
DP used to tell me I wasn’t strict enough, but now he pulls me aside sometimes and reminds me I may be expecting too much of a 4 year old.

Everyone else I know acts like I’m some crazy Tiger Mum.
But I think I’m much too lax for that label.

I let her watch TV (sometimes more than her half hour limit). She plays outside. She gets sweets once a week. I spoil her with clothes, magazines, books, puzzles, games, toys and days out.

But yes sometimes she gets sent to her room without dinner etc.
I am hard on her because I expect a lot as I know how capable she is.
I will do the same with DS when he’s older.

Ultimately we all do it our own way, but whatever we do there will be people judging us and telling us we are doing it wrong 😊

You clearly don't think it's working or you wouldn't have posted.

I think your parenting style is going to get you into hot water as time goes on - and I think you know it.

You are not her peer - and that's a GOOD thing! She will have lots of peers but only one mother. You occupy a very special role, and it's far more important than being a peer.

You seem to view parenting in a very binary way - ie. it's either treats or consequences. We don't really do either in our house. I mean, my kids get treats and they also get consequences, but I don't make a big deal of it. In the case of treats, it's a very slippery slope - kids can be very manipulative and before you know it they start behaving like performing monkeys and manipulating more and more treats out of you - or struggling because they are only doing X because of wanting a treat, and not because they see any intrinsic value in that thing.

I suggest you take a look at some good parenting books such as 'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen' and start having a good think about how to subtly change things. It's not all about stick or carrot...

Some interesting opinions here!

I would like to reiterate she is very good at school and with others! She 100% knows right from wrong and is fine socially so this is not a concern at all. Her teacher was shocked when I've said about her previous behaviour at home because she has never misbehaved at school.

A friend was round when the toy incident happened and commented. I guess most comments are when I've spoke to people about the behaviour with colleagues or mum friends so they've not actually witnessed it.

I will stop buying treats for good behaviour and replace with a star chart instead. Because you're totally right I shouldn't be rewarding for expected behaviour. I will try to talk to her at the time rather than later.

I do still wish people would keep their opinions to themselves (not on this thread obv cause I'm asking for it!). It feels like as soon as you're a parent people feel the right to judge you left right and centre.

My oldest was a nightmare for the first couple of year, screaming, running away, refusing to do/listen, fighting, breaking things, every imaginable bad behavior she did. I was young and a single mother and instead of dealing with my child how I wanted to, I cracked to others pressure and took on every punishment strategy possible, i would spend all day putting her back on the naughty step and we were hardly leaving the house as i would use that as her puniment. She hated me, our relationship was a cycle of her being naughty, me punishing her because I got angry and then her getting angry and being naughty because i punished her. It didnt work at 6 I apologised to her and we turned it around, i foucsed on talking to her spending time with her not worrying about little things, i stopped punishing her and praised her for good behaviour instead. She was and still is loud, bossy and independant and being a child not in controll and being punished didnt work for her. Now she is 22 and I had 0 complaints throughout her teenage years, she's lovely.
She is your daughter and you know her best, their is no right or wrong way to parent, different children require different parenting styles and I always think the parent needs to adapt and accomidate what the child needs not the other way around.

Pick a parenting style and be confident in your choices. Don't act like her peer because that can leave children feeling insecure. They need you to be in control and to parent them.
There are parenting books that say exactly what you're doing ie don't discuss the issue in the middle of the tantrum; have the natural consequence of the toy being broken, etc.
There are other books that suggest different techniques.
You need to be confident that you have boundaries and you have a consistent parenting approach. That's all that matters. Not what other people say.

Lewis, I think this child is learning to give bad treatment to someone who loves her, as that adult person is also doing.

A lot of children want and need boundaries.
Having all that freedom may make her feel insecure.
Hence why she behaves better at school where she will be sure of the rules.
I don't think you are doing her any favours.

I'm a soft parent, but insist on mutual respect and I wouldn't tolerate rudeness directed at me, especially if they can behave elsewhere. Why do you think you are less worthy of being treated properly than her teachers, friends or a babysitter? Don't allow yourself to become her punching bag, might not be such a problem at 5 but it will be as she gets older.

For me the prof is that, if you have to keep punishing for the same thing again and again, then surely that's not the right technique to use because it's not working??

I haven't seen anyone on this thread suggest punishing children for the same thing over and over happens. Children are very much works in progress; I've never met a 5 year old that was the finished article. So instead of punishing over and over for the same thing, it is more like teaching them new ways to make good choices and reminding them of your expectations in new situations. They're changing daily, so your parenting changes daily to adapt and grow with them.

@crazycatlady5 You would be surprised at how deceptive a 5yr old can be. But definitely some more than others.

OP I agree with others you need to nip this in the bud whilst she's young. It doesn't actually take too long for children to realise you mean it (with regards to consequences.)
DD now wouldn't push it, as she knows if I say we're leaving then we will.

Main punishments in my home with 4 year old DD are-

• Withdrawal of a Privilege (weekly sweet or treat, day out, TV time, pudding, bed time game and/or stories, etc.)

• Time out on stairs for 5 mins, or sent to her bedroom (if later in the day sometimes it is for the rest of that day and may be without dinner but only if she’s eaten well that day)

Occasionally a Tap on the hand or smacked bum. This is usually in response to her doing something which may harm her or when she could inflict pain on the baby etc. It is not the “go to” punishment and I’m sure there will be people who disagree with ever using a physical punishment, but it can work to “shock” them out of it. Eg. Child is about to put hand in plug socket or on a hot hob or iron. A tap on the hand is more memorable and effective than a stern voice, especially if the stern voice has already been ignored.

I also do “relevant” punishments. Eg. If I say she cannot have a toy and she tries to grab it she has to put said toy in the bin herself.

You have had some good advice here, and nice to see you are open to it. Think of it this way, it is actually scary as hell to be 'in charge' as a five year old - she needs a parent to show her the way, not a peer or a pushover. And dealing with it firmly and authoritatively in the moment - and then moving on and getting over it - is actually healthier for her than explanations which she will struggle to understand, and apologies and guilt which will gradually erode her self esteem. If you deal with it firmly and in the moment, she experiences a boundary, knows she is safe, and if you are then over it two minutes later, she knows she is loved (even after a mistake).

I know it’s hard being given unwanted advice. It’s not always the best. However because so many people close to you have given the same advice, I would heed some of it.

The thing that stands out for (advice warning!) is giving your daughter so many choices and so much control. It’s not doing her any favours, and choice can feel like a nice thing, but for a 5 year old it’s too much. She might kick against not being able to exactly what she wants, but believe me she’ll be a happier girl if you take some of that burden, because it is a burden for her, off her.

She needs to feel safe to be a child. You are the parent, you make the tough choices for her. Have a routine rather than constantly asking her what she wants.

Don’t be under the misapprehension that just because school have not mentioned her behaviour that she is not rude there too. Primary school teachers tend to refer to children being wilful and spirited in school reports, rather than come straight out and tell you that your child is rude and won’t do as they are told.

I too have a foster dd who exhibits similar behaviour to those you describe and a lot of the time I respond in a similar way to to way you describe, using natural consequences (eg broken toy due to her throwing). I actually think the way you discuss it later is a great strategy, but you could include a consequence in your list of things available to you.
For us we have a 'calm space' - like time out but without being removed from us. If she hits, spits, kicks or throws something she does 5 mins in calm space with me. It goes up by a minute if she does it again or if she doesn't come or if she shouts in my ear while there. If the time gets to 10 mins there is a consequence. It doesn't have to be big, in fact best keep it small eg 1/2 hour of no TV/ tablet or others playing her games. It works most of the time for us.

Get a timer. You may want to use it to tackle the rudeness that does not stop with a little reminder. Don't expect it to work the first time, and I would do a little practice with her when she is calm so that she can take in how it will work.