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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Angry stepmum needs to vent

207 replies

actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 00:09

Just that really.
I've been moaned at before for letting my DPs ex take up headspace but when you have upset kids in your house it's hard not to.
So now this bio mother who paints herself out to be an 'amazing mummy' and us to be evil bastards has cut off the final way DSC could contact her. Literally nothing now. And the fact that she's done it right after contact was made by DSC is utterly heartbreaking. How can someone be so fucking cruel.
Backstory is long but don't want to be inundated with 'detach' and 'oh you again' but in a nutshell bio mother chose NC but never admitted it to anyone else but us and the DSC

OP posts:
MaitlandGirl · 10/10/2017 00:31

I'm kind of on the other side of this as it's my ex-h who cut all contact with the kids, very out of the blue and very upsetting all round. Looking back there were signs (the last time he saw them he was in total over the top 'Disney dad' mode) but that made it worse.

We're now almost 12 years down the line and it's been a very, long hard journey.

The kids aren't bitter (not that they show) and I'd like to think that's got something to do with how I handled it all. I've never offered explanations for what he did, just replied with "I don't know" when they asked why chose to cut them out of his life, while reassuring them it wasn't anything they did.

It's a very trite thing to say but all you can do is be there for them. Tell them on a regular basis how great they are and be on the look out for any signs that they would benefit from talking to someone outside of the immediate family. If age appropriate tell their schools so they're aware of the new situation.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 10/10/2017 00:34

I stopped reading at bio. No need.

Hmm
joangray38 · 10/10/2017 00:39

Stopped reading at this bio mum - offensive and not. Needed.

DanHumphreyIsA · 10/10/2017 00:43

^
What else is she if she's cut all contact with her dc?

ZaphodBeeblerox · 10/10/2017 00:56

Really? You two got offended at "biomum" and stopped reading. But not offended at a woman who apparently goes NC with her own child? What shall we call her then? Hmm

ZaphodBeeblerox · 10/10/2017 00:58

Also sorry you're going through this OP. It's good your DSC has at least one set of stable parents to rely on? Not sure what you can do other than cushion them from the pain of being abandoned, and keep telling them it's not their fault.

PotteringAlong · 10/10/2017 01:00

What else would you call her other than biological mum? She's cut all contact with her kids. They're being raised by the op with no contact from her? I reckon bio Mum was remarkably kind in the circumstances!

Insomnibrat · 10/10/2017 01:04

Sorry i'm a bit naive in these matters but why is 'bio mum' offensive?

Surely it stands for 'biological mother' which is just a factual term, no? It doesn't seem so derogatory to me.

Willing to be educated if otherwise!

MrsMerryFestive · 10/10/2017 01:05

Make sure your DSC get plenty of professional support in some form or another.

I had to watch two little boys grow up after their mum had left them and it was like watching a very long car crash in slow motion and not being able to stop it. They turned out to be the most emotionally volatile people I have ever met. Text book attachment issues.

alltoomuchrightnow · 10/10/2017 01:05

Why focus on what she called the biological mother? Look at the bigger picture...OP is concerned for these kids and quite rightly so

Jux · 10/10/2017 01:10

Same as Insomnibrat. No da what's wrong with 'bio mother', willing tolearn.

Anyway, this sous awful, op. Poor children.

Jux · 10/10/2017 01:12

That's 'no idea ' and 'sounds awful'.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/10/2017 01:19

How old are your DSC? Old enough to understand exactly what has happened here?

I'm so sorry they've been let down in such a way, but I think I have to agree that the only response you can give if they ask you why is "I don't know". Because, presumably, you don't actually know anyway - you can only surmise.

Glumglowworm · 10/10/2017 07:26

Well bio mum is about right in this situation Hmm since no kind of actual mum would cut contact with her own children so heartlessly

All you and DH can do is support them, be there for them. They may have anger that is wrongly directed at you because you are their safe place.

myusernamewastaken · 10/10/2017 07:33

2nd thread ive read this morning with people being 'offended'....why do people bother to reply if thats the case......either offer some advice or stfu.

actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 08:09

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Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 08:10

Thanks for the supportive comments x

OP posts:
YellowFlower201 · 10/10/2017 08:14

This is really sad. Glad you're doing your best for them.

DressedCrab · 10/10/2017 08:19

All you can do is try to make up for her dreadful behaviour.

People whining about "bio mum" need to get over themselves or just ignore. Pathetic and pointless posts.

jeaux90 · 10/10/2017 08:31

My dd has a bio dad. He is nothing more than that because he hasn't seen her in 6 years and is an absolute shite. Anyone going to moan at me about that? No? Thought not.

OP stop making an effort on contact it's not your duty. Carry on being the amazing mum that you are to your step kid.

wheresthel1ght · 10/10/2017 08:34

I think I have read your posts before and actually I think bio mum is being kind. The woman is a disgrace.

The only advice I can offer is be there, those kids know who are for them!

differentnameforthis · 10/10/2017 09:02

Really? Using the term "bio" is more offensive to you lost than a mother not wanting contact with her children? The word bio is well used here, as that is all she seems to actually be now!!

differentnameforthis · 10/10/2017 09:05

Please ignore the random "lost" in that sentence!

donajimena · 10/10/2017 09:06

I think the offence at bio or 'birth' comes from a poster yay back becoming professionally offended by it. Now people jump on it no matter what the post is about.

existentialmoment · 10/10/2017 09:09

Something like 30% of men lose all contact with their children after they leave. why are people so shocked when a woman does it?
No, its not ok, but it shouldn't be seen as so much worse just because she is a woman.