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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Angry stepmum needs to vent

207 replies

actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 00:09

Just that really.
I've been moaned at before for letting my DPs ex take up headspace but when you have upset kids in your house it's hard not to.
So now this bio mother who paints herself out to be an 'amazing mummy' and us to be evil bastards has cut off the final way DSC could contact her. Literally nothing now. And the fact that she's done it right after contact was made by DSC is utterly heartbreaking. How can someone be so fucking cruel.
Backstory is long but don't want to be inundated with 'detach' and 'oh you again' but in a nutshell bio mother chose NC but never admitted it to anyone else but us and the DSC

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/10/2017 16:43

Well yes, people do care. I am not sure in the OP's situation if I can be bothered to be offended but in the average step parent situation, it is fucking offensive. No apologies for bad language. It is very much an attempt to sideline mum and express some kind of superiority as a step mum. It is a term used in adoption and fostering situations, not in step situations. My ex's girlfriend frequently refers to me as 'just their birth mother' (mutual friends tell me about it). And to be clear, she's the kind who moves in with a man 2 weeks after meeting him, stands by him when no maintenance is paid and who takes a ticket at the school play when only 2 tickets per family is policy and when challenged claims 'their birth mother is busy working, she couldn't care less about them'. I didn't ask for my ex to have an affair or to have other women have an influence on my children's lives. I accept it with good grace. But I am not 'just their birth mum' as I am in their lives, support them, care for them, gave birth to them, breast fed them. I am their mum and I will argue with anyone who dares to suggest otherwise.

ButtMuncher · 10/10/2017 16:43

What the hell has happened to MN when a bunfight ensues over the word biomum in reference to a woman who can't be bothered with her own children, and instead the OP has to justify it Angry

I'm sorry OP Flowers

Mama234 · 10/10/2017 16:52

I'm on both sides of the fence in real life and I don't care, Not a jot, I'm not offended by anyone calling me a bio mum, Who cares its just a term! You are projecting your own rubbish onto this thread.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/10/2017 17:01

Yes, it's utter rubbish to have someone try and oust you from your own child's life simply by their chance relationship with the same person you once had a relationship with.

Mama234 · 10/10/2017 17:07

Must be ohreally how about you start your own thread about your own situation?Sounds like you have a lot to get off your chest.

Teawithtoast · 10/10/2017 17:09

Nothing wrong with OP's posts Smartiepants87. You don't sound so pleasant yourself, calling someone vile. I doubt OP would want any sympathy from someone like you anyway, so no sleep lost.

Blackcatonthesofa · 10/10/2017 17:11

OP, you sound like a very loving mum. Although the kids are hurt now, you being there for them is already lessening the impact. The best you can do is just to be the loving mum that they need. Take care Flowers

Blackcatonthesofa · 10/10/2017 17:13

AND THE REST OF YOU JUST STOP ENGAGING WITH THE BIOTROLLS.

That's what they want, derailing the thread while OP needs a willing ear.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/10/2017 17:14

No. Perfectly happy. Just explaining why some people struggle with the term. Not rocket science. I have no issue with 'bio mum' being used in this particular case. I can see the bigger picture.

Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 17:17

Smartiepants ODFOD 👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 17:21

Believe me I am NOT sidelining her. She has by choice removed herself from DSCs life. Then lied to those around her that they have been brainwashed. I'd love for some of these people to actually contact me and I could send them solid proof that she's a bullshitting evil twat. Both me and DP have tried to bury the hatchet and apologised effectively for looking after DSC in an attempt to put a stop to all this. NOTHING worked. In her head she had to be the RP and get the child benefit and tax credits. In her head it's live with her or no relationship at all. Not every new partner is a twat

OP posts:
Mama234 · 10/10/2017 17:22

Yes you sound blissfully happy ohreally.

Allthelightsgoout · 10/10/2017 17:24

If she was 'just their bio Mum and you are their Mum in every way' then they wouldn't be so upset and there'd be no need for this thread.

She is their Mum. A shit one by the sound of it but she's still their Mum.

If you had a sister who had fucked you about and let you down you wouldn't refer to her as your 'biological sister'. She's your sister.

'Biological' is usually used to differentiate when talking about adoption scenarios which isn't the case here.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/10/2017 17:28

Yes, blissful.

Mama234 · 10/10/2017 17:38

Blackcat you are absolutely right! My bad.

Allthelightsgoout · 10/10/2017 17:38

OP has had a 'willing ear' on numerous threads. We know the situation, we know the Mum sounds awful. People have given lots of advice which OP references herself 'I've been moaned at' 'you again' ' detach' or whatever so it's just another thread wanting to hear what an awful woman the Mum is.

Which she may well be but what's the point of the threads other than to try and seek validation that the Mum is awful.......again.

HateIsNotGood · 10/10/2017 17:39

Vent away OP - as you are the 'mother' of your dsc you feel the hurt, take the hurt and give the love and care they need. I'm not an SP but an LP but the sameness is in the 'P', and some bioPs are the shits, mothers and fathers.

No answers from me because there are none, but time does heal and for your dsc to have you is worth gold to them.

YANBU to vent here or at all. Flowers

Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 17:43

If I'd wanted validation on how awful bio mother was I'd have put it all down here or At least not name changed

OP posts:
Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 17:45

I've always appreciated advice but NOTHING will stop this woman causing pain to DSC and horrible problems in our family home. Not even the law protects us unfortunately because a lot of it is indirect through many different channels

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/10/2017 17:45

Which she may well be but what's the point of the threads other than to try and seek validation that the Mum is awful.......again.

What is the point of many threads?

If you don't like it don't read it.

or is it more that you can't possibly believe that some women are awful

LittleBooInABox · 10/10/2017 17:46

Being a step mum is a thankless job, your either to loving or to cruel. Can't do right with anything OP. You sound like you care which is lovely, and all they need with such a deadbeat mother.

No advice just support Wine

Allthelightsgoout · 10/10/2017 17:58

Oh I can absolutely believe some Mothers are awful and this one sounds it.

I'm just wondering about the repeated threads when you know you're not being U and have been told it repeatedly and told what a great Step- Mum you sound. Again and again.

So nothing has changed, there's no advice to be sought, there is no AIBU. The OP knows all this...and I'm sure OP 'vents' to her DP and friends and family so why need more people to say this Mum sounds dreadful?

RebelRogue · 10/10/2017 18:01

and I'm sure OP 'vents' to her DP and friends and family

Except maybe she doesn't, for various reasons.
So maybe she is indeed using this space to vent and rant and put her thoughts and feelings on "paper" so that she can be strong,calm and supportive in RL for the children.

HateIsNotGood · 10/10/2017 18:08

And lights to explore your sister scenario, I've got 2 shit bio-sisters and a few female friends gathered over the years that I see as 'sisters' but generally refer to them by names. I have only recently started referring to my bio-sisters as 'shit-sisters', rather than by their names, because after decades there is really no other way other way to describe them.

Now DS is a different scenario - shit bioDad (who decided going NC was a really nice thing to do) but who has older half-siblings and we get on great with them and their bio-mum.

There is no right answer just making it as 'right' as we can for all the DC we as Ps care for.

MarthaArthur · 10/10/2017 18:26

Op honestly them kids are lucky to have you supporting them. I have no advice. You seem to be doing everything you can.

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