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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Angry stepmum needs to vent

207 replies

actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 00:09

Just that really.
I've been moaned at before for letting my DPs ex take up headspace but when you have upset kids in your house it's hard not to.
So now this bio mother who paints herself out to be an 'amazing mummy' and us to be evil bastards has cut off the final way DSC could contact her. Literally nothing now. And the fact that she's done it right after contact was made by DSC is utterly heartbreaking. How can someone be so fucking cruel.
Backstory is long but don't want to be inundated with 'detach' and 'oh you again' but in a nutshell bio mother chose NC but never admitted it to anyone else but us and the DSC

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 10/10/2017 20:42

I think you really do have the right to vent, OP. I understand. I have to say positive things to my DDs about my DDs’ birth mum, so I’m careful what I say to them. But that doesn’t mean that I understand why she goes on having kids that she can’t look after.

Sadly, not all bio mothers deserve the title of mother.

Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 22:26

Thank you Mittens 💕

OP posts:
Justoneme · 10/10/2017 22:30

So when a father fcuks off they are known as a sperm donor ... #justsaying

OP stay sane your DSC need you!

Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 22:30

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
This x100!

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/10/2017 22:43

So when a father fcuks off they are known as a sperm donor ... #justsaying

For some that's probably ok as a) it's men not women and b) they aren't wicked SM who let's not forget are the cause of all evil Wink

Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 23:45

Thank you!
Seriously if I was the bio mother on here saying I refuse to have contact wth dc because they won't hate their dad I'm sure some would come on and find some way to blame the fucking step mother!

OP posts:
SarahH12 · 10/10/2017 23:52

Very true actually. Didn't you get the memo that mum's can do nothing wrong and stepmums are to blame for everything? Wink

stitchglitched · 11/10/2017 00:04

I remember your other threads. I believe your DSCs Mum was resident parent for many years, so I'm not sure the egg donor/ bio mum comments are needed. For whatever reasons the relationship has broken down I'm sure the level of anger and animosity isn't good for anyone and could be detrimental to any chances of reconciliation. Your DSC live with you now, you clearly have a close relationship with them so just enjoy that. It is possible they may want to reconnect with their mum at some point and it would probably be easier for them without all the drama and angst.

Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 11/10/2017 00:04

Funny that because both my mum and stepmum made shitty mistakes!

OP posts:
SarahH12 · 11/10/2017 00:07

Was that aimed at me?

I wasn't being serious. Sorry if you took it that way. I'm a stepmum and it's just the attitude I've come across, which is mostly why I don't bother posting here anymore as it doesn't matter what I do I am always accused of being wrong

Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 11/10/2017 00:26

Sorry lovely no I was being sarcastic to the general MN attitude towards SMs

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/10/2017 01:42

The point of venting is that you get a response, it becomes an ongoing process, and one that can help to relieve stress. It's an oxytocin-based response to stress, to reach out to others. It's (wait for it) a biological reaction.

Writing it on a piece of paper just doesn't work.

The OP has said she doesn't want to talk to people in RL about this, for really quite obvious reasons, I would have thought - this is the next best option to follow her biological, oxytocin-based, response to the stress reaction.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/10/2017 01:43

Oops, extra comma after oxytocin-based - I know most people won't care but I do!

MyKingdomForBrie · 11/10/2017 02:04

stitch RTFT she has kept drama etc away from the kids. Hence venting on here. Do your criticism is utterly wrong. OP has tried and tried to reestablish the relationship.

differentnameforthis · 11/10/2017 10:09

Would any of you speak to someone in RL that way no you wouldn't I dunno, I have a shit bio mother, and I really would tell a couple of YOU to fuck off in RL if you started to get my case about it.

Andro · 11/10/2017 10:29

If you had a sister who had fucked you about and let you down you wouldn't refer to her as your 'biological sister'. She's your sister.

I have twin brothers who have been allowed to be utterly vile without correction from my mother, I rarely acknowledge our connection directly - most of the time I refer to them as either 'the twins' or 'my mothers sons'. I consider Mother and Father to titles of biological fact, where as mum/dad/mama/papa/etc to be the titles of affection that actual parents have - My mother is my mother, my father is papa and the inference is clear.

Mittens1969 · 11/10/2017 10:32

I have noticed that bio fathers are fare game to attack as ‘deadbeat dads’ but woe betide anyone who dares to attack bio mothers in the same way. (I will admit that you get an easier time of it if you do it as an adoptive mum rather than as a SM.)

The only other type of person who gets the vilification a SM has to cope with is the MIL!!

stitchglitched · 11/10/2017 10:57

MyKingdom I wasn't particularly critical, I just don't think this continued level of anger is helpful for anyone. I do wonder though if someone who can't even keep her temper in check when typing out answers is really managing to keep it under control in front of the DSC. But OP has got what she wanted, most posters have agreed that this bio mother is nothing more than an evil egg donor despite the fact that she was DSCs main carer into their teens, and OP is a saint.

Expemsiveuniform · 11/10/2017 11:05

What stitched said.

Jux · 11/10/2017 11:12

Thumb, was that what's known as the 'Oxford comma'?

Expemsiveuniform · 11/10/2017 11:39

Jux I think the Oxford comma is the one before the word ‘and’, which is voluntary.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/10/2017 11:41

Don't think so, Jux - the Oxford comma comes before a conjunction like but or and, and is often used in lists, thus:
he ate a large meal of bread, fish, and nuts.
Whereas other people might prefer to use:
he ate a large meal of bread, fish and nuts.

The Oxford comma there isn't actually necessary, as it makes no difference to the sense of the sentence, but some people like to use it.

My mistaken additional comma was just a mistake :)

Expemsiveuniform · 11/10/2017 11:43

I don’t mean voluntary, I mean optional.

HelloSquirrels · 11/10/2017 12:26

I do wonder though if someone who can't even keep her temper in check when typing out answers is really managing to keep it under control in front of the DSC

Really?

I would love to tell ss's mum to go fuck herself. I think she is the most evil waste of oxygen i have ever met. Ss has absolutely no idea i think this and i have even defended her in conversation with him. As in "oh mums being horrible shes this shes that bla bla" and ive said "dont be so harsh on her maybe works bad shes still your mum" or whatever.

I think shes a nasty lowlife cunt but ask ss and he wouldn't have a clue.

Belleoftheball8 · 11/10/2017 13:47

I also agree with stitched said.