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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Angry stepmum needs to vent

207 replies

actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 00:09

Just that really.
I've been moaned at before for letting my DPs ex take up headspace but when you have upset kids in your house it's hard not to.
So now this bio mother who paints herself out to be an 'amazing mummy' and us to be evil bastards has cut off the final way DSC could contact her. Literally nothing now. And the fact that she's done it right after contact was made by DSC is utterly heartbreaking. How can someone be so fucking cruel.
Backstory is long but don't want to be inundated with 'detach' and 'oh you again' but in a nutshell bio mother chose NC but never admitted it to anyone else but us and the DSC

OP posts:
ThePants999 · 10/10/2017 13:47

The English language says "biological mother" is a term that's appropriate any time you need to distinguish from any other kind of mother. Any other connotations you need to justify without reference to a dictionary.

MipMipMip · 10/10/2017 13:48

Oldie, the OP is the RP and is willing to provide contact. The natural mother is the one who has stopped - presumably by changing phone number, email etc.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 10/10/2017 14:18

What a horrible situation. Poor kids. Of course you need to vent and best do it somewhere like this because you're protecting them from the harsh words. It must be very difficult

peppapigearworm · 10/10/2017 14:22

The English language says "biological mother" is a term that's appropriate any time you need to distinguish from any other kind of mother. Any other connotations you need to justify without reference to a dictionary

Actually the english language says that "mother" is enough of a signifier on its own.

Those who hate the term bio mum. What other term do you want???

Mother. Because that is what she is. She may be a terrible one but she is their mother. It doesn't need a prefix. She is their mother.

Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 14:48

Mother insinuates that she is being their mother. Which she is not. She's being a cruel emotionally abusive cunt and needs locking up

OP posts:
PurpleGrapePip · 10/10/2017 15:07

I'm a stepmum and I would normally find 'bio mum' to be offensive when describing the difference between and mum and stepmum, but given the context provided in the OP and following posts, I don't find it offensive at all. She's not really a mother is she?

peppapigearworm · 10/10/2017 15:24

Mother insinuates that she is being their mother. Which she is not

It doesn't. She doesn't stop being their mother, no matter how awful she is. It isn't (just) something you do, it is something you are.

PurpleGrapePip · 10/10/2017 15:39

She doesn't stop being their mother, no matter how awful she is. It isn't (just) something you do, it is something you are

Legally speaking of course you're right - but a lot of people (myself included) would disagree with this. She'll always be their biological mother but that doesn't make her a mother. You're placing far too much importance on biology.

peppapigearworm · 10/10/2017 15:42

no, I'm not. She didn't just give birth and leave. If she was no more than just their biological mother, the OP wouldn't be posting, as the children wouldn't be so upset. She has been their mother for many years, she still is their mother.

Teawithtoast · 10/10/2017 15:46

Well she's a crap mother then.

NeilTheSloth · 10/10/2017 15:58

Only on MN will you find someone willing to defend a deadbeat mum. Peril of the site being so big coupled with the bias that only Dads can be bad, not mums. Mums are always great.

Unfortunately if you explore the forum in more detail/hang around for a while, you will find that is not always the case.

Sometimes parents are crap. And they don’t deserve the title. Sorry, it’s true. You have to parent to be a parent.

And kids get upset about their biological parents no matter what. I’ve seen threads where 20, 30, 40 year olds reach out to biological parents and get knocked back, and are extremely upset no matter the fact they have never been in their lives. The DC being upset is no indication of how involved or great a parent is.

MargaretTwatyer · 10/10/2017 15:58

It doesn't. She doesn't stop being their mother, no matter how awful she is. It isn't (just) something you do, it is something you are

This is something always said by people who had good mothers who are simply unable to comprehend the shit some people's mothers put them through.

It's not even true legal as when you're adopted the adoptee becomes your legal mother.

peppapigearworm · 10/10/2017 16:02

This is something always said by people who had good mothers who are simply unable to comprehend the shit some people's mothers put them through

It really isn't. It's said by people with a grasp of the english language and an understanding of how life works.
She is a crappy, abandoning mother. But she is still a mother.

peppapigearworm · 10/10/2017 16:03

Only on MN will you find someone willing to defend a deadbeat mum. Peril of the site being so big coupled with the bias that only Dads can be bad, not mums. Mums are always great

Do you even bother to read before commenting? Not one person on this thread has defended her or said she is a great mum. Not one. The exact opposite is what happened.
why even bother with such rubbish?

NeilTheSloth · 10/10/2017 16:07

That’s like saying a mechanic who quit the job years ago is still a mechanic.

They say “I’m a mechanic” you picture an active working person. If they say “But I haven’t actually worked on a car for years” well, then you were one. You have the (outdated) skills, you could give it a go, but you’d do a crap job and need an expert to rectify the mess you’ve created.

MargaretTwatyer · 10/10/2017 16:09

Exactly Neil

NeilTheSloth · 10/10/2017 16:09

Ah, x post. I would love to stay and give you a bun fight arguing over nothing lovely, but I really don’t see the point.

Agree to disagree, have a gin, go discover a cheeky fucker neighbour etc etc etc.

Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 16:10

FFS Peppa does it really matter?
She's spent years calling my DP who had his kids as often as she would allow a 'sperm donor' and me a 'sperm donors slut' (on Facebook where the kids could see it)
Am I allowed to call her a bio mother now? As far as DSC are concerned I AM THEIR MUM and she is just their bio mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
actuallyspeechless · 10/10/2017 16:12

You've said she's still a mother. Yeah she is. A bio mother. DSC would be hurting a lot less if she'd abandoned them when they were born not spent years playing mother fucking earth, making my DPs life as difficult as possible THEN cutting off contact because DSC refuse to turn against their lovely dad.
She's not a devoted mother, not a kind mother, not a loving mother, she's simply a bio mother now

OP posts:
verystressedmum · 10/10/2017 16:13

Bio mother is way too nice for this woman.
To the (two) posters who said ‘stopped reading after bio Mum’ good god do you actually know what you sound like Hmm
I have no advice really but the dc are lucky to have you in their lives.

Mama234 · 10/10/2017 16:33

Peppa why are you still going on about this bio mum crap, Go start your own thread on how offended you are no one cares..

Smartiepants87 · 10/10/2017 16:36

This reply has been deleted

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Mama234 · 10/10/2017 16:37

Oh god here comes another one...

MargaretTwatyer · 10/10/2017 16:39

I'm sick to death of sm using this term to be offensive and lessen their role

Doesn't sound like this bio mum needs any help lessening her role.

Smartiepants87 · 10/10/2017 16:40

None of ops posts have been endearing to say the least. She could have better written her op with background information and explained the situation instead of swearing at posters and getting aggressive followed by a drip feed.

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