This thread has really struck a chord with me. I agree she is just a bio mum, she's abandoned her kids FFS! I'm an "ex" step mum, although I still call her my big baby, and will be visiting her at uni abroad next year with my DH and kids, while her dad is there with his wife and kids. We're kind of one big crazy modern family. My relationship with her is everything to me, and we all adore her. In her case she was abandoned by her mum about 15 years ago. It wasn't a downward spiral or long standing issues, we had been plodding along seemingly with all being fine. Myself and my ex had taken her on holiday, when we came back I took her by train back home (hours away), only to find nobody there. I asked around the village and nobody had seen her for days. It all felt very surreal. Even then we had no real idea how long this would last, I wondered if she'd forgotten the day she was coming back or what, texts were sent but not picked up. Nobody knew much, it got to the stage where I had to turn around and go back home with her, all the while saying things like "oh I think mummy got the days mixed up, let's go back to dads and we'll have fun until she comes back". She quite literally never came back. We'd hear from someone once in a while that they'd seen her somewhere in the region, and that they'd asked her why she'd gone. She'd apparently get cross and storm off if pressed on the subject. Her parents were absolutely devastated and sorry that she'd done it. They said that yes, she'd contact them sporadically but they weren't to ask what she was doing regarding her daughter. In all these years there's been nothing. I remember about 18 months afterwards, when we'd taken her back, started to accept the reality, applied for schools, bought her all new things to replace what was in her mum's house, and generally sort of accepted that the mum was gone from our point of view, we talked about moving to a bigger place just down the road. She said "yes but when mummy comes to get me she won't know we've moved?!" Even as I'm writing this I'm crying. She's so so wonderful, and I'm grateful that she lets me be proud of her, her bio mum on the other hand - can go to fucking hell. I recall telling my husband shortly after we started seeing each other that I effectively had a kid, and that she was a non-negotiable part of my life and definitely would be going forwards. He's done more for her than her bio mum, and is even more technically unrelated than I am. I hope to God she feels secure in life. That's all we can do. Her mum abandoned her, but no amount of time, distance, finances or whatever, will cause us to do the same. Gosh, her dad and I have had some almighty ding dongs, but we still push that aside to attend anything to do with her various achievements and have dinners and things just to be with her. The rage and contempt that I feel when hearing of a mum or dad dumping their kids is second to none. Vent away OP. I think a lot of the anger isn't really about your feelings is it? It's more the devastation on behalf of the children. I get that. I can't count how many times over the years when I've looked at my beautiful girl's face, listened to her talk about school, or just sat and eaten a pizza together, and almost been overcome with boiling rage - which I have to keep to myself. How on earth could she have abandoned her without so much as a backwards glance?? When people talk about unforgiveavble, it's her that springs to mind. Leaving that perfect and source child, with no explanation, no enquiry about her for all these years. Well, you can probably tell I'm furious just thinking about it. How my lovely DSD feels is unknown to me. She has said once before that she doesn't need her, and that she's never felt anything lacking and feels loved and cared for. She says she's accepted it. I can only hope that this is true, and I'll just continue to be a constant and reliable figure in her life. Looks like you're not the only one venting today OP! Sorry for the essay! 