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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re ex and DDs periods

234 replies

HadloxB · 09/10/2017 14:10

Name changed for this one.

DD 12 (nearly 13) is suffering with her periods. She’s had them about a year and they’re getting worse each month. Bleeding through clothing, awful cramps, she’s given up dance and swimming.

We’ve tried everything in the san pro aisle, tampons hurt her, moonvup she can’t put in, atm she is using thick pads and changing them all the time. Her mattress/bedding is ruined. I’ve had to pick her up from school twice due to soaking through her clothes/pain.

She has asked to go on the pill or have a coil fitted. I spoke to her dad about it and he has absolutely said no way. She’s too young and it’s dangerous. I’ve been bombarded with dodgy links about it causing cancer and death and infertility Hmm. He can be very stubborn and is refusing to shift on it. I’ve told him ultimately it isn’t his decision. He said fine but I’ll be responsible for her future health and I “can’t be bothered” to research it or read his links.

AIBU to agree to her going on the pill? Would a GP fit a coil for a 12 year old? Mirena not the copper obviously

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 09/10/2017 14:12

This isn't normal for a 12 year old. It'd take her to GP and see what they advise then speak to dad.

ginnybag · 09/10/2017 14:13

So, what's his suggestion?

Ultimately, she doesn't need his permission (or yours), as it's likely a GP would find her competent to choose for herself at her age.

I'd make an appointment and start the ball rolling to some sort of treatment, as frankly, she can't be left to suffer like that. I'd also be wanting investigations into why she's bleeding so heavily at her age. I had horrendous pain as a teen, lots do, but though I was on the heavy side with flow, it was never anything like as bad as you are describing.

justanothermomentintime · 09/10/2017 14:14

Speak to the doc. It must be tiring for her to be losing so much blood not to mention embarrassing if she's soaking through her clothes at school poor thing.

My initial thought was out her on the pill and I still think that would be the best option

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 09/10/2017 14:15

Why does he think he even has a say in her women's health?

Just do it

steff13 · 09/10/2017 14:15

You need to get her to the doctor and see what's going on.

Rainatnight · 09/10/2017 14:16

Somethings got to be done and he's not the one who has to go through it every month

helpmum2003 · 09/10/2017 14:16

If it was my daughter I would be going to the GP to discuss all options including the pill. A coil would be fairly traumatic at that age so I probably wouldn't consider that unless a last desperate measure.
I work in Contraception and when appropriately prescribed the risks are minimal and IMO many times outweighed by the awful quality of life your dd has.
Although it may cause problems with her Dad I think you have to over rule him on this one. And anyway, your dd may well be able to consent for herself which bypasses both of you...

Ermm · 09/10/2017 14:16

Am I missing something? Why is her gynaecological health something you ask him about and that he makes a decision about? It’s something to discuss with her doctor and then take appropriate advised medical action for. How is this REMOTELY something for him to be able to be stubborn about. Yeesh.

RB68 · 09/10/2017 14:17

Don't make it an issue between him and her - its really not his business anymore if the reason for fitting something or going on the pill is medical rather than contraceptive. Go to GP and sort out options first before talking to ex again - make it someone else's opinion not yours or hers so he can address his claptrap to them.

In the mean time give reuseable cloth pads a go even if overnight, they are much more absorbent than disposibles. You replace rinse and wash in a normal load. There are plenty on the market to choose from and they come in funky materials too

BlackeyedSusan · 09/10/2017 14:17

she is old enough now to choose for herself.

deepestdarkestperu · 09/10/2017 14:18

It's none of his business!

She's 12, and she's been having issues with her periods for over a year - any GP would happily put her on the pill if that's what she wanted.

Why does he think he gets a say on how his daughter handles her periods? Angry

brummiesue · 09/10/2017 14:18

I very much doubt a GP would consider a coil for a 12yr old, the pill would be much better. Please get her booked in for a appt to discuss it, and maybe don't mention it to her dad until afterwards!

shhhfastasleep · 09/10/2017 14:20

Tell the fuckwit that she isn’t going on the pill to have sex. Tell the fuckwit that her period problems are making her life a misery and affecting her learning. Tell the fuckwit that it doesn’t give you cancer. Tell the fuckwit he gets no say in how she manages her menstrual cycle.
Poor thing. This is not what she should just “put up with “. See a GP and I hope it works out.

Gileswithachainsaw · 09/10/2017 14:20

When he gets periods he can decide what he does.

A dr won't put her on the pill unless the benefits outweigh the risks.

She's 12 she's sufferring and she's given up 2 sorts already.

See the Dr and do what they suggest and if that's the pill so be it

Original poster
HadloxB · 09/10/2017 14:20

I usually run things by him but yes you’re right it isn’t his business! I did say to him unless he was bleeding every month he didn’t get to decide that she just needs to get use to it, his response was that actually he’s her parent so he does get a say in her doing something with long term health consequences.

She seems to be losing quite large clots for 2/3 days and then light for another two days.

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 09/10/2017 14:21

Please go to the GP and insist on a referral to a gynae. This post could have been about me 23 years ago. Sadly it took me 10 years to get an endometriosis diagnosis by which point I had lots of scar tissue and other issues. I'm not saying she has endo but this is absolutely not normal. Is she in a lot of pain?

Yes she should absolutely go on the pill - it's for medical reasons and if it is something like endo could prevent further spread and damage while you're waiting to find out what's going on. This could preserve her fertility, rather than damage it. Again, not saying it is that but if I had a daughter in this position it's the first thing I would do.

Absolutely not a coil though - the mirena was one of the worst experiences of my life and fitting at that young age would be scarring I'm sure.

In terms of sanpro, Always Infinity is my favourite personally - very absorbent compared to normal towels

EvilDoctorBallerinaVampireDuck · 09/10/2017 14:21

That sounds horrendous for a 12yo. I hope she goes on the pill and it works. Flowers for your DD and a Biscuit for your ex.

WhoWants2Know · 09/10/2017 14:22

Definitely talk to the GP. The pill isn't always the only option for heavy periods- there are medications that can reduce the flow so that it's more normal.

Also make sure her iron intake is good.

Original poster
HadloxB · 09/10/2017 14:22

He is obsessed with health, food, diet etc etc, unhealthily so. But that’s because I am “uninformed”

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 09/10/2017 14:23

He doesn't get a say in how she deals with it, however much he might believe otherwise.

Your DD doesn't have to live with painful, heavy bleeding just because her dad is being controlling Angry get her to the GP and get her some help!

shhhfastasleep · 09/10/2017 14:23

He doesn’t get to have a say. He can be concerned and supportive and back what Gp thinks is best. He is not a health professional and late night Googling shit doesn’t make you a more suitable health care professional.

lunar1 · 09/10/2017 14:23

He can fuck off quite honestly. Until he has had to get himself out of a full classroom while trying to stop everyone noticing his blood stained uniform and chair he can keep his mouth shut.

I’d be going one further and telling your dd if he tries to interfere during her contact time with him then she wouldn’t have to go if she didn’t want to.

OhHolyFuck · 09/10/2017 14:23

When he bleeds from his penis so badly he floods his clothes, when he's got agonising cramps and is being sick, when he has to cope with embarrassment of that dealing with changing flooded towels in a school bathroom etc, then he might have some empathy and can advise accordingly.
Until then he can have no idea of what it's like to be a not-even-teenage-yet girl dealing with that shitshow.

Yes to the GP, they can advise on the best way to go from here

puddingpen · 09/10/2017 14:23

Has she seen the GP about this? It sounds like she should. Doctor may have other suggestions and your ex may have different opinions if it's coming from a doctor. Or, alternatively, you may feel better about going against his wishes if something is recommended by the GP.

Original poster
HadloxB · 09/10/2017 14:24

I’m going to make an appt this afternoon. Maybe family planning or well woman would be quicker though?

I still struggle with what needs discussing with him and what doesn’t. Major throwback to his control issues!

OP posts: