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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re ex and DDs periods

234 replies

HadloxB · 09/10/2017 14:10

Name changed for this one.

DD 12 (nearly 13) is suffering with her periods. She’s had them about a year and they’re getting worse each month. Bleeding through clothing, awful cramps, she’s given up dance and swimming.

We’ve tried everything in the san pro aisle, tampons hurt her, moonvup she can’t put in, atm she is using thick pads and changing them all the time. Her mattress/bedding is ruined. I’ve had to pick her up from school twice due to soaking through her clothes/pain.

She has asked to go on the pill or have a coil fitted. I spoke to her dad about it and he has absolutely said no way. She’s too young and it’s dangerous. I’ve been bombarded with dodgy links about it causing cancer and death and infertility Hmm. He can be very stubborn and is refusing to shift on it. I’ve told him ultimately it isn’t his decision. He said fine but I’ll be responsible for her future health and I “can’t be bothered” to research it or read his links.

AIBU to agree to her going on the pill? Would a GP fit a coil for a 12 year old? Mirena not the copper obviously

OP posts:
holdthewine · 09/10/2017 16:51

Birdsgottafly - our daughters’ stories sound very similar. Having the first coil out after 5 years was not nearly as bad as she expected. She had another put in which, of course, wasn’t nice but worth it rather than having to have that experience every month. She is coming up to having her third in the next year.

peachykeenjellybean1981 · 09/10/2017 16:53

I was 13 when I started my periods and I suffered badly with heavy bleeding and excruciating cramps. So bad I couldn't move and would lie in the foetal position until they'd gone. I went to docs and was given painkillers for the cramps and was recommended for the pill. Had to try a few different ones as had some reactions to the first lot I tried. This was 20 odd years ago now though

Charolais · 09/10/2017 16:53

I would be outraged if my mother had discussed something like this with my father and they were still married. It is none of that man’s business. “He’s refusing to shift on it” ??? WTF!

She needs to see a doctor not a dipshit.

Mollie85 · 09/10/2017 16:59

Peachy keen may I ask which one you are on- I've tried microgynon 30, cilest and Yasmin and all three gave me different side affects (headaches, spots, itchiness and anxiety) and the dr gave up in the end...

Obviously that's very personal so feel free to ignore Grin

00100001 · 09/10/2017 17:00

If he's so "well informed" he'll realise that this isn't normal and that "exercise and a good diet" won't fix it.

It';s like saying "Oi!You there! with the broken nose! have you tried eating and apple and going for a walk??"

CalmanOnSpeeddial · 09/10/2017 17:04

To be fair I think it’s normally reasonable for a parent to be informed when their twelve year old child has serious medical problems, and if “they’re ignorant and wouldn’t understand” was grounds for keeping them in the dark then half the parents in the country would be barred from supporting their child. However he does need educating. Diet and exercise may help to some extent with PMS and cramps but unmanageable levels of flooding are a separate problem and need medical investigation and action - this is not a grey area. Good luck with the GP.

NewDaddie · 09/10/2017 17:06

Glad that you are going to get professional medical advice OP. Whether or not your ex is more 'informed' he won't be more informed than a specialist and he definitely won't have the resources (labs) etc to make a truly informed decision.

As an aside I don't understand the pp on the 1st page before you dripfed that your ex is controlling. Ofc I don't support controlling bastards. But I do support fathers taking an active interest in the health of their children and personally I would be concerned about an invasive medical procedure on my child, especially before exploring other options (yes even though IUDs are classed as minimally invasive)

Having a vagina doesn't make you a medical expert on them.

Pinkvoid · 09/10/2017 17:08

It's not his body, I don't think he should even have a say in it tbh.

user1481652258 · 09/10/2017 17:08

Ohh Hun I feel so sorry for her I When through the same thing but I started when I was 8 and I was on the pill by age 11 To stop my periods . My farther knew nothing about me being on the pill and had no choise in the matter mums reasoning was he's never had a period so it's nothing to do with him. We have to stop thingking about the pill just as a contraception thing the pill for me is wonderful I've not had a period for 16 years it's fantastic no fertility issues.if she wants to go on the pill and she will take it when she should let her I'm not sure if a go will fit a coil she might be too young but the best thing to do is ask them.

JonSnowsWife · 09/10/2017 17:09

I started my periods at 10 and had lots of similar trouble.

Do ignore the knob and get her to a GP please. I was put on the pill from the age of 13 specifically for this. By a Gynaecologist. Mine turned out to be PCOS.

Flowers for your DD.

Bazinga1234 · 09/10/2017 17:13

I can't remember what school year that is BUT my friend when we were at school went on the pill in year 6 because her periods were so heavy.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 09/10/2017 17:14

He is also her parent, I think it is something that should be discussed with both parents.

NannyRed · 09/10/2017 17:16

Take her to see the family doctor. He will be able to prescribe something. Even if it is hormonal contraceptives how will her dad know?

Missrubyring · 09/10/2017 17:17

I think the phrase 'No uterus, no opinion' is applicable here.
Ignore the EX and take her to the GPs, if he protests or gets arsey repeat the above.
Hope she gets it resolved soon. Smile

Uberfluffs · 09/10/2017 17:24

I went on the pill around that time and for exactly that reason - now 48 and strangely cancer free, and it saved me a lot of pain and embarrassment and regulated my periods beautifully.

If I's been forced to carry on with my periods as they were I'd have been extremely depressed.

He shouldn't get to say what she does with her body, it sends out all the wrong messages.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 09/10/2017 17:24

Why wouldn’t you have made the GP your first port of call??

Fretfulparent · 09/10/2017 17:25

Take her to see a sympathetic GP. She needs a blood count, iron count and she needs a clotting screen to check she has not got Von Willebrand's disease or similar. Then a suitable discussion on management options, of which there are many.

CalmanOnSpeeddial · 09/10/2017 17:26

Assuming that the DD stays with her father overnights (the OP hasn’t said) then this is the sort of thing that the person in sole parental charge needs to know. Transexemic acid for example has some fairly rare but extreme side effects. You’d really want the parent in charge to be informed just in case, rather than leaving it up to a child to interpret symptoms, and manage the process of informing A&E.

Antoniacaenis · 09/10/2017 17:28

I agree with all the posters suggesting the GP and it being none of her dads business but just thought that If she's having problems with leaking towels, might something like these over the top be an option www.shethinx.com/

Hellywelly10 · 09/10/2017 17:29

I had horrible periods from the age of 11. Ruined matresses. Could never wear white trousers. I had some sucess controling periods with the pill.I've had a coil for the past 10 years. No more heavy periods. Fitting is painful. It's not something I would want my daughter to go though before her first smear test. Your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions. You ex has shown that he should not be consulted. He probably can't handle her growing up.

mathanxiety · 09/10/2017 17:36

I would bring your DD to the doctor, HadloxB, and not the FP centre. She may need testing for anemia, and not every pill is suitable for every individual. There may be medical issues behind the heavy periods that should be investigated.

I still struggle with what needs discussing with him and what doesn’t. Major throwback to his control issues

After you have taken care of your DD, please set up counseling for yourself to work through this.

Forgiveness, I think as a general rule you should only discuss something if you intend to take the other pov into account. Since the other party has consistently demonstrated that he is not capable of a serious contribution, and therefore his views can be discounted on the basis that they are ridiculous, there is no need to discuss. It is a waste of time, and it only feeds his delusion that his half baked views are relevant.

In this case, the exH is a controlling individual and it is clear that his 'contribution' to the discussion is made with control of his ex wife and DD in mind, so yet another reason not to engage here.

Fluffyears · 09/10/2017 17:37

The must awfulmpainful heavy periods. I begged my mum to kill me to make the pain stop. The GP gave me painkillers, since I was throwing up due to the severity of pain they weren’t any use at all. Eventually I told him unless he sorted something out I would kill myself he put me on the pill at 14. Best thing that ever happened to me. I went from bleeding heavily for 10-11 days with agonising pain and vomiting to a 5 day long bleed with a tiny amount of bearable pain. I could also run packets together if I wanted (apparently you don’t need to have the break between packs) so nights out, holidays etc were great as no worries about periods.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 09/10/2017 17:37

Take her to the GP and sort it. You DD may be Gillick competent so her dad's objection wouldn't mean shit.

Fudgefase · 09/10/2017 17:38

I'd have her checked out first and foremost - that's a heck of a loss of blood every month. She'll be anaemic soon if that carries on. Also - hey, pills can help with anaemia by lessening the flow. But your daughter's wishes need respected. There are very sound medical reasons for wanting to use the pill unconnected with rampant sexcapades. I'd ask if you could go with her to the doc and IF SHE AGREES keep quiet unless asked directly for your opinion, or treat her like someone doing their best to grow up and let her talk it over with either her own doc or the local family planning clinic. But get the iron levels checked. That's excessive blood flow, especially for a youngster.

trappedinsuburbia · 09/10/2017 17:40

I got put on the pill for very similar at a young age, it really transformed my life for the better, I don't think men realise how debilitating periods can be.