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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs & Stag dos

784 replies

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/10/2017 10:44

DH went on a stag do in the summer, one night away at a weekend, obvs he came back tired and hungover but said he'd had a good time and didn't go to bed until 630am. I asked which bars stayed open until then but was told they do in Liverpool (?) obviously I am very naive!
Have since found out they were all at a lap dancing club without the stag - he'd gone to bed at midnight. AIBU to think he's bloody disgusting and to have lost all respect for him - for lying by omission and for visiting a lap dancing club in the first place.

OP posts:
Witsender · 08/10/2017 10:46

It isn't a popular opinion, but that would piss me right off. And it would change my opinion of him drastically, only seedy little men or ramped up banter type lads go to places like that IMO and my husband isn't one of them.

And that is before you come on to the lying.

StealthPolarBear · 08/10/2017 10:47

Yanbu but prepare for the cool wives onslaught

Whisky2014 · 08/10/2017 10:50

Yanbu

MidnightAura · 08/10/2017 10:51

Yanbu. I would feel the same.

toolonglurking · 08/10/2017 10:53

Is he aware that you don't approve of lap dancing clubs? If you'd discussed it previously then I think you can be pissed off.
There are many women who have no problem with clubs like that, and many who do have a problem, but you need to discuss it like adults.

The lying would upset me though.

MaisyPops · 08/10/2017 10:59

Whether YABU depends on whether you expressed a dislike for those types of bars/clubs before.
Not everyone has the same view. Nothing to do with being a 'cool wife' and everything to do with people having different lines.
E.g. I don't mind pole dancers, burlesque dancing and strip clubs but would draw the line at DH receiving a lap dance.

However, if DH lied to me I would be beyond pissed off.

I YANBU about the lying. Going to the club in the first place depends on what you've discussed.

Witsender · 08/10/2017 11:01

Whether or not we had discussed it would only impact my feelings on the lying though. My opinion of him would be lowered by his going. Either he wanted to go and watch nigh on naked strangers writhing in front of him for money, or didn't have the balls to not go along with the crowd. Either isn't attractive.

BertrandRussell · 08/10/2017 11:03

"Is he aware that you don't approve of lap dancing clubs? If you'd discussed it previously then I think you can be pissed off."

The issue is not whether or not she approves. The issue is that he does.

MrsJayy · 08/10/2017 11:04

So thegroom goes to bed and then the lads went to look at women jiggiling about till sunrise, I think that is revolting and then there is the blatant lying about it yanbu

gunsandbanjos · 08/10/2017 11:05

YANBU, I wouldn't be pleased if I was in your position.

I think it's compounded by the fact the stag wasn't there.

MaisyPops · 08/10/2017 11:06

But betrand why does it matter that he does?

Personally lap dancing is past my line and i wouldn't be happy if DH had one, but it's not for me to tell other people what they should/shouldn't be ok with.

araiwa · 08/10/2017 11:07

you can feel however you want about it

some people don't like those places, some do, some don't care either way

BertrandRussell · 08/10/2017 11:13

"But betrand why does it matter that he does?"

Because it tells her what sort of person he is. And he would still be that sort of person even if he didn't go to lap dancing clubs because she didn't want him to.

Flicketyflack · 08/10/2017 11:15

I would be very upset and angry if I found out my husband had visited a lap dancing club and you are not being unreasonable.

Lap dancing clubs degrade women.

MaisyPops · 08/10/2017 11:21

But not everyone has a problem with it.

I wouldn't like DH to go. He has no desire to.But if someone wants to and their DP doesn't have a problem then it would ve wrong of me to decide 'they are that sort of person'.

I had quite fixed views until an old friend started working as a dancer. Then i decided that as long as it's consenting adults making decisions it's not my place to judge someone's character.

Sallystyle · 08/10/2017 11:27

Because it tells her what sort of person he is. And he would still be that sort of person even if he didn't go to lap dancing clubs because she didn't want him to

Absolutely this. I don't want to be married to a man who doesn't go to strip clubs because I don't want him to. I want to be married to a man who just doesn't view women as a commodity in the first place.

Then i decided that as long as it's consenting adults making decisions it's not my place to judge someone's character.

I very much judge a man's character on how he views women. You are either the sort of person who view women that way or you aren't.

OP Thanks

Witsender · 08/10/2017 11:29

How a person/man views women is a bloody good way to judge their character tbh.

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thought going to a strip club was A-OK. Or someone too weak to say no to going to one, regardless of whether they knew my thoughts on the subject. Likewise I would think less of a friend as well.

MaisyPops · 08/10/2017 11:31

You are either the sort of person who view women that way or you aren't
That way?
Are we assuming here all women are victims here? Just the stories I've hear back from a friend who danced were far from victims. They were young women who worked out they could earn a reasonable amount of money in a decent club. Got them through uni and a house deposit.

It's not that way for everyone but I really don't get this 'it's a personality flaw' to go to a club. All a bit 'as a woman it is my job to tell other women what is and isn't good for them'.

What goes on between consenting adults is up to them.

I wouldn't want DP to have a lap dance, but wouldn't have a problem with him watching pole dancers. We all have different boundaries.

MaisyPops · 08/10/2017 11:33

Like I say, thr OP is right to be pissed off about the lying and double pissed off if thry have talked enough for him to reasonably know she would object.

I just think we need to exercise a bit of caution before deciding unilaterally what is/isn't acceptable between consenting adukts within the law

Original poster
NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/10/2017 11:34

Exactly - you wise lot have summed up precisely why I'm so uncomfortable with it but couldn't put into words as succinctly. Added to the fact we have two young DDs - would DH like to see them as adults lap dancing and leered over? It's disgusting and degrading. He knows I think it's disgusting - hence why he was reluctant to tell me I imagine.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 08/10/2017 11:36

It's not about the women. It's about people's perception of women.

People who don't have a problem with strip clubs/lap dancing clubs think it's OK to view women as commodities to be bought and sold. It doesn't matter if the dancers themselves don't feel that way-it doesn't make it any less true that a commercial transaction has taken place. Incidentally, usually a commercial transaction between men.

Allthewaves · 08/10/2017 11:39

I don't have an issue with strip clubs but that's me and my choice. I have an issue with night clubs - hate them. Each to their own.

Many of dh friends lie to their wives or omit the truth because they know their wives will get annoyed, stop talking to them, have a huge fight etc when they have been a stag weekends.

BlueSapp · 08/10/2017 11:41

I think he lied because he knew you wouldn’t appreciate him going to somewhere like this so weather you explicitly spoke about it or not he knew
It would be past your line of reasonable.

Personally I’d be disgusted if my DH went to this sort of place, plus if the stag isnt there it’s no longer a stag do.

Witsender · 08/10/2017 11:48

It isn't about the individual women in an individual club though. They may not be being taken advantage of. But it speaks volumes as to the societal view of women, being bought into and actively supported by those who go to strip clubs.

People always equate them to the Chippendales etc, when they and their ilk are a joke. When you see strip clubs with men gyrating around poles for women tucking fifties in their g-strings and slipping off to side rooms for 'private dances' I will understand the equation more. But is hat likely to happen to point of them being available on every high street? Or to the degree that women going to them becomes the norm? No, of course it won't.

geekone · 08/10/2017 11:51

There are women who strip and there are men who strip. Strip bars don't "sell" women/men those are not the "commodities" as you put it Sex is the commodity and in our British society many women find that difficult. There are men and women who go to strippers because it turns them on and strippers who strip for the money and also some because it turns them on. It's easy to sit on our virgin white pedestals and judge strippers or people who visit strip bars and try to make ourselves in some way better. Sex sells it always has and at least these women are taking control over it.