Strip clubs & Stag dos

[NotInMyBackYard1]

DH went on a stag do in the summer, one night away at a weekend, obvs he came back tired and hungover but said he'd had a good time and didn't go to bed until 630am. I asked which bars stayed open until then but was told they do in Liverpool (?) obviously I am very naive!
Have since found out they were all at a lap dancing club without the stag - he'd gone to bed at midnight. AIBU to think he's bloody disgusting and to have lost all respect for him - for lying by omission and for visiting a lap dancing club in the first place.

"It's easy to sit on our virgin white pedestals and judge strippers or people who visit strip bars and try to make ourselves in some way better."

I don't judge strippers. I do judge people who visit strip bars. And yes, that does make me better.

Everything Bert said!

Just the stories I've hear back from a friend who danced were far from victims. They were young women who worked out they could earn a reasonable amount of money in a decent club. Got them through uni and a house deposit.

Oh god. That old chestnut

And for every 10 students who lead an amaaaaayzing life from it, there are 90 other women being exploited.

And yes. I judge men who go to strip bars. 'Banter' types, or sad pervs. All includes the objectification of women.

Pathetic

Yep same here. I'm judging my DH and his mates - I've told him I didn't think he was that kind of guy. I feel let down by him. I feel he's let himself down. He at least seems to be remorseful - says he won't be doing it again.

I would never have anything to do with any man who'd go to a strip club and I include my father and brothers in that. I'd not even be friends with one who did. It shows they are capable of viewing all women and girls as commodities whose primary purpose is their sexual gratification. I find them degrading to all women and girls and their existence is a reminder of how we are primarily viewed.

There is a lap dancing club moments from my school. I have always found it degrading, a constant reminder to the girls at my school that no matter what we do, achieve, feel, many men will always see us as sex objects and that is our purpose. They adversely affect me and many girls at my school, I've found it degrading from a young age.

Yanbu

I would hate it and hate that whole culture

I'd view my DH differently if he choose to go to a strip club. They are not the same as the Chippendales and men will never understand how women feel about these clubs because there's no comparision.

I had quite fixed views until an old friend started working as a dancer. Then i decided that as long as it's consenting adults making decisions

Other women and girls have no choice but to exist in the culture they perpetuate.

DH went to Amsterdam on a work trip and him and his colleagues had a wander through the red light district to "see what it was all about". They didn't go in anywhere and he said women were stood in the windows in bikinis. It doesn't sit easy with me - people being viewed purely as objects. He described it as "seedy and weird".

I don’t think it makes your DH ‘that kind of guy’. What does that even mean? He’s the type of bloke that wants to look at tits. Don’t all men?

I wouldn’t mind my OH visiting one but I do draw the line at a private dance. Not sure what the harm is in anything else.

Btw most men that are forbidden by their feminist wives to not go to strip clubs on the basis that it’s degrading women are probably pulling themselves off to filthy porn when she’s at the shops.

He’s the type of bloke that wants to look at tits.

He's the type of man who sees women as sex objects and not equal human beings, there to dance and strip for him and existing for male sexual gratification. He's the type of man happy to perpetuate that culture, fund the kind of establishment which degrades women and girls, encourages this view of us all, excludes women from many workplace events, remind women and girls of our primary worth.

Certainly the lads in my group who are the most up for strip clubs are the ones whose wives approve the least. Some of the shit I’ve seen/heard about on tour in strip clubs you wouldn’t believe. Oddly my DW really couldn’t care less whether I go. The thing is though that what happens on tour stays on tour so it’s quite funny when I’ve heard people’s wives talking about strip clubs and thinking if only they knew what I’ve seen their DHs get up to!

so it’s quite funny when I’ve heard people’s wives talking about strip clubs and thinking if only they knew what I’ve seen their DHs get up to!

Only if you think men hiding their going to strip clubs and viewing women as sex objects thus degrading their wives and all other women and girls but also lying to them is "funny".

I'd never need to "forbid" any man I was close to from going to one as they'd just not do so. I've also spoken to my dad about them and he ensures no-one from his workplace ever goes to one in any kind of work related capacity.

My DH isn't 'forbidden' from doing anything - clearly if anyone is going to dance and gyrate their crotch in his face, I'd prefer it to be me. The fact he thinks otherwise is what hurts I guess. If roles were reversed there would be zero chance of me going for that, but I've yet to find a club where men dance naked on poles or in women's laps.

I wouldn’t mind my OH visiting one but I do draw the line at a private dance. Not sure what the harm is in anything else.

What about a group private dance? Or buying a private dance for a friend (birthday boy, stag, whatever)

I’m still working out where by I stand on this; but I’m struggling with aspects.

Societally, it’s strange that going somewhere where women are topless/naked is run of the mill for a group of men; but you rarely hear of a group of women going somewhere where men are trouserless/naked just to socialise. (I’m aware there are some clubs and shows which do offer this)

Societally, it’s strange that going somewhere where women are topless/naked is run of the mill for a group of men; but you rarely hear of a group of women going somewhere where men are trouserless/naked just to socialise. (I’m aware there are some clubs and shows which do offer this)

As has been pointed out in this thread and I think you agree, it's not comparable at all. If there were clubs on high streets, by schools, in every city, where young men danced naked for women, where groups of young women headed to on nights out, where women headed with colleagues to discuss work and promotions, where middle aged women had a quick trip to on their way back from work telling their husbands they're running late, where teenage girls grew up knowing their male peers could end up working or compared them to the men who did, where teenage boys grew up existing in a culture knowing their primary worth is their body and their aesthetic appeal to women, where groups of women stood outside waiting to get in leering at men and boys going past, where it was thought of as being completely normal for women of all ages to head into to ogle men and men were expected to go along with it and not object lest be labelled prudish, then it might be comparable.

I wouldn’t mind my OH visiting one but I do draw the line at a private dance.

Oh good. So if you had/have a daughter, you'd be pleased for her to fall into this line of work? Men leering over her naked body, using her as wank fodder.

That's nice.

And of course all girls have to exist in this culture. If a man with a daughter goes there, whilst he'd probably be horrified at the idea of his daughter being seen like that, he has no issues seeing anyone else's daughter in that way, just like the other men there would happily view his daughter as such (and will).

He's the type of man who sees women as sex objects and not equal human beings, there to dance and strip for him and existing for male sexual gratification. He's the type of man happy to perpetuate that culture, fund the kind of establishment which degrades women and girls, encourages this view of us all, excludes women from many workplace events, remind women and girls of our primary worth

Beautifully put. Anyone who visits these clubs is part of the problem.

No YADNBU. Men must think it's bloody hilarious that they can go to lap dancing clubs, watch as much porn as they want, and if women have the nerve to be annoyed by it they're made out to be prudish.

If you're fine with it, that's fine, but it's also completely fine to have to a problem with it.

Thank you LakieLady - I completely agree.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as you all think. Just because a bloke goes to a bar with his mates where an attractive woman is dancing with no clothes on, you pop them all conveniently into the box that they are happy to degrade women. Seriously.

No. They just want a beer and to look at some nice tits. It’s really that simple.

They still want to come home to you. They just want to be lads for a bit.

The women aren’t slags. They are making money by using their bodies and capitalising on the most basic of human instincts.

Relax ladies.

It's gross and tacky, I agree but it could be worse, he could have paid for a private dance (or more) so I would be pissed off but live with it I guess.

I feel sorry for the women reduced to having to work in these places. Soul destroying.