Page 4 | Strip clubs & Stag dos

NotInMyBackYard1 · 2017-10-08T09:44:00+00:00

DH went on a stag do in the summer, one night away at a weekend, obvs he came back tired and hungover but said he'd had a good time and didn't go to bed until 630am. I asked which bars stayed open until then but was told they do in Liverpool (?) obviously I am very naive! Have since found out they were all at a lap dancing club without the stag - he'd gone to bed at midnight. AIBU to think he's bloody disgusting and to have lost all respect for him - for lying by omission and for visiting a lap dancing club in the first place.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 08/10/2017 13:49

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest tbh hence my DH wouldn't hide it from me. But if your DH knew it was something that got whatever reason you really were against then it isn't really on, but not something to go apoleptic over. Tell him you're not happy then move on!

PartyCrap · 08/10/2017 13:49

OP sorry if I missed something but did you ask him why he did that?
To be honest I'd be worried he's done that before or even other related stuff... sorry

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 08/10/2017 13:52

Although I'm a bit concerned about the amount of people who would end a marriage over a quick trip
To a strip joint. Massive massive overreaction to something that a lot of people view as a laugh. Up to you though if you want to allow this to pull your family apart

PartyCrap · 08/10/2017 13:54

I'm more concerned someone said they prefer an affair over a strip club

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 13:54

It's not really an overreaction to not want to have anything to do with a man who views women as commodities and sex objects who exist for male gratification.

Fernanie · 08/10/2017 13:55

I can count on one hand the situations that I consider 'deal breakers' and this would be one of them. There's so much wrong with it - the viewing women as commodities, the lack of respect for his wife's values and opinions, the lying, the (to my mind, though I know others wouldn't see it this way) infidelity. And, I strongly suspect, the mysoginistic double standard: OP, presumably he wouldn't be ok with you giving a private dance to anyone else?

I lived with a girl who stripped to put herself through uni, and did very well for herself financially. Said it wasn't disempowering for her personally at all - she got off on looking down at all those pathetic little men she'd never look twice at in the street, fawning over her and gagging for a glimpse of her body. She seemed simultaneously disgusted by them for wanting her so much and high on the power it gave her. After hearing the way she described them I'd never be able to respect my DH again knowing he was one of those men.

BertrandRussell · 08/10/2017 13:57

"I'm more concerned someone said they prefer an affair over a strip club confused"

Why is that so hard to understand?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/10/2017 13:57

My issue is that my DH has paid to have a lap dance

I don’t know if this will help at all, but if it was me, I’d split this into two issues.

He did something he knew you’d dislike, and then lied about it for a fairly long time. Massive lack of honesty and respect; however guilty he’s now feeling.

He paid for a private dance. At the time, that’s what he wanted. As you can see from the thread, there’s a huge range of opinions on whether that’s acceptable - but wherever you stand on that, it’ll need to be worked through.

How is he behaving? Has he told you everything you want to know? Is he giving you space if you want it?

pp2017 · 08/10/2017 13:57

"Those sorts of men" 😳😳 really??!!

Like it or not the average male is genetically hard wired to get all hot under the collar by a naked female, and given the right circumstances/opportunity I'd wager good money that a high percentage would merrily toddle along to a strip club with a group of their male friends.

I wouldn't care if my OH went to a gentlemans club as a one off treat (I actually think I'd quite like to go with him?!) but if it became a regular occurrence I'd start to question what he was missing out on at home that made him feel the need to seek it elsewhere on a regular basis......

OPs partner absolutely SHOULD NOT have lied by omission, but he shouldn't have felt the need to either! Based on what seems to be the standard reaction on this thread I can understand why he did though 😳

Sallystyle · 08/10/2017 13:58

Massive massive overreaction to something that a lot of people view as a laugh. Up to you though if you want to allow this to pull your family apart

It would be him pulling the family apart. He knows how I feels about it and what the consequences will be. It's his choice. Thankfully he isn't the kind of man who would want to step foot into a strip club and he respects women too much. Yes, some men genuinely do. Shocking I know.

What are you going to do OP?

BertrandRussell · 08/10/2017 13:58

Blimey. And they say feminists hate men!

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 08/10/2017 13:58

If my dh went to one of these places the thought of ever touching him would make me puke. And many women feel the same. Strange how this fact never makes its way into the calculations of the self styled realists like Sophia, who might like to reflect on the fact that she is being bested at every stage of this argument by nolove who is, if I have read correctly, still at school (and a credit to whichever establishment she attends, forgive me being so patronising).

Original poster

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/10/2017 13:59

I haven't asked why - I'm torn between wanting to know the gory details and not wanting to hear one more word about it. Sitting at home fuming and trying to avoid having a row with 3 DC around. I can't reconcile splitting up our family over this - although I am very annoyed with him. I hope it was worth it!

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 08/10/2017 14:01

Like it or not the average male is genetically hard wired to get all hot under the collar by a naked female, and given the right circumstances/opportunity I'd wager good money that a high percentage would merrily toddle along to a strip club with a group of their male friends.

By the way, women are also 'hard wired' to get hot under the collar by attractive naked men.

PartyCrap · 08/10/2017 14:02

Why is that so hard to understand?

Affair: personal, calculative plus sex involved
Strip club: shit, degrading, one off hopefully stupidness but no sex
No brainer

I don't condone the strip club choice, it'd change us for ever and I'd make him pay but affair is another level...

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:03

I'd wager good money that a high percentage would merrily toddle along to a strip club with a group of their male friends

You have quite a low regard for men. None I'm close to would if they could. If what you're saying is true then "a high percentage" of men have little respect for women and see women as commodities existing for their sexual gratification.

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:04

but if it became a regular occurrence I'd start to question what he was missing out on at home that made him feel the need to seek it elsewhere on a regular basis

If your husband went regularly to an establishment which objectifies women and contributes to a culture in which all women and girls are degraded you'd see it as your own fault? Astounding.

Sausagerollers · 08/10/2017 14:05

Have you considered asking him to write a letter to his daughters explaining what he did and why he felt it was acceptable? Yet also why it's (presumably) a career he'd want them to go into?

Give him a pen and paper and send him off to another room for half an hour with that as his task. If he can do that, which I doubt very much he can, explain that you'll keep that letter and show it to your daughters on their 18th birthday; they deserve to know what kind of man their father is.

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:06

nolove who is, if I have read correctly, still at school (and a credit to whichever establishment she attends, forgive me being so patronising).

Thank you very much Karlos and you're right, plus not patronising at all!

PartyCrap · 08/10/2017 14:07

You have quite a low regard for men. None I'm close to would if they could. If what you're saying is true then "a high percentage" of men have little respect for women and see women as commodities existing for their sexual gratification.

There is a high possibility that they don't look at women as such but their mind is blocked when it comes to tits! I don't think they think when it comes to this... Zombies/dogs come to mind and yes big percentage is like this hence that's a money making business.... their profit is not based on couple of losers right?

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:08

they deserve to know what kind of man their father is.

Definitely. If my dad ever went to one I'd want to know, though I'd be disgusted.

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:09

hence that's a money making business

Yes, women's bodies are big business. What a state of affairs if you're correct - so many men seeing women as commodities and happily contributing to a culture which objectifies all women and girls.

Fernanie · 08/10/2017 14:10

Like it or not the average male is genetically hard wired to get all hot under the collar by a naked female.

You could (and people do) use this argument to defend all sorts of behaviours though, from affairs to rape. Fortunately, most of us - male and female - have the benefit of rational thought and a moral compass, and aren't slaves to our every primal urge.

SquareSophia · 08/10/2017 14:12

Millhouse you are quite rude. I am perfectly educated. I just have an opinion different to yours.

These women aren’t cheap whores they are just earning a living and they chose to do this work. And men chose to go see it and always will.

Off your high horse love.

JackietheBackie · 08/10/2017 14:16

The other fact is, that no matter how much money the dancers may or not get, somewhere behind the scenes is a man getting paid a lot more from their efforts. If this was a business fuelled by women and was ran on a co-operative basis then I could give more credence to it being something that is empowering to the dancers. But it isn't- if they can't work, they don't get paid.