Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strip clubs & Stag dos

784 replies

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/10/2017 10:44

DH went on a stag do in the summer, one night away at a weekend, obvs he came back tired and hungover but said he'd had a good time and didn't go to bed until 630am. I asked which bars stayed open until then but was told they do in Liverpool (?) obviously I am very naive!
Have since found out they were all at a lap dancing club without the stag - he'd gone to bed at midnight. AIBU to think he's bloody disgusting and to have lost all respect for him - for lying by omission and for visiting a lap dancing club in the first place.

OP posts:
NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:50

I've been on a few hen dos with a stripper or butlers in the buff.

I have posted earlier in the thread why this is not comparable in the slightest.

Sayyouwill · 08/10/2017 14:51

I judge all men who go to strip clubs. They view me as inferior and an object because of my sex. Nothing I ever do will matter to them as first and foremost I and every other woman and girl is a sex object who exists for male sexual gratification to them.

I don't think this is a fair statement at all. You've just generalised and judged so many people without knowing a thing about them. I highly doubt every man who has been in a strip club thinks you are a sex toy.

Witsender · 08/10/2017 14:51

But their 'Friday night with the lads' is what they choose to do for fun. How can that ever be separated from who they are and what they stand for? What you do willingly speaks volumes about who you are.

Sayyouwill · 08/10/2017 14:52

So a woman watching a male stripper is okay but a man watching a female stripper is wrong?

RestlessTraveller · 08/10/2017 14:52

Well you can't claim people are judging then when it's pointed out no-one is then just say it's because they're "not brave enough to say it".

For every comment about not having respect for a man that views women as commodities, there's a dancer making the most of her status as a 'commodity'.

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:53

I don't think this is a fair statement at all. You've just generalised and judged so many people without knowing a thing about them. I highly doubt every man who has been in a strip club thinks you are a sex toy.

I know they think it's acceptable to view women in this way. I don't need to know anything else about them.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 08/10/2017 14:53

I absolutely do not judge women who work in these places.

People who say they know the dancers and they have a whale of a time and make a fuck ton of money - hooray for them.

But you also have to acknowledge that some women who work in these places are sex traffiked, coerced and forced to work in these places. Passports taken. Cut of wages going to their bosses.

If you think all women do it cos it's an ace job and they are all having a ball, well more fool you.

And if you're happy for your significant other, to go and perv over these women, and view them as just a pair of tits and a fanny, women who are sisters, daughters, maybe mothers, well, I'm very sorry for you.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 08/10/2017 14:54

Sorry that you bar isn't set higher to what you would expect of a partner, husband, father (maybe to your daughters)

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:54

For every comment about not having respect for a man that views women as commodities, there's a dancer making the most of her status as a 'commodity'.

Never mind all the other women and girls who have to exist in the culture these clubs and the men who go to them foster. Never mind the women excluded from work events because men go to them, or women made to feel uncomfortable tagging along. Never mind the daily message for girls who walk past them on their way to school, a reminder that this is how men primarily view us no matter what we do.

Witsender · 08/10/2017 14:55

I negatively judge those who go to strip clubs. And those who routinely go to male strippers, even though as I said before, the two are very different.

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:55

So a woman watching a male stripper is okay but a man watching a female stripper is wrong?

I have already posted why this isn't comparable but here it is again:

...it's not comparable at all. If there were clubs on high streets, by schools, in every city, where young men danced naked for women, where groups of young women headed to on nights out, where women headed with colleagues to discuss work and promotions, where middle aged women had a quick trip to on their way back from work telling their husbands they're running late, where teenage girls grew up knowing their male peers could end up working or compared them to the men who did, where teenage boys grew up existing in a culture knowing their primary worth is their body and their aesthetic appeal to women, where groups of women stood outside waiting to get in leering at men and boys going past, where it was thought of as being completely normal for women of all ages to head into to ogle men and men were expected to go along with it and not object lest be labelled prudish, then it might be comparable.

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:57

But their 'Friday night with the lads' is what they choose to do for fun. How can that ever be separated from who they are and what they stand for? What you do willingly speaks volumes about who you are.

Very well put.

Wanderlust1984 · 08/10/2017 14:57

Where's the line for this "objectification"? Am I allowed to say I find a man fit? Or is that too far?

Also, I call bullshit on those opposing men who go into lap dance clubs saying it's a moral issue due to these clubs "exploiting" women. If it was down to morals, you'd ditch your OHs in a heartbeat if they bought a t-shirt from a label that had ever exploited child labour. If it's down to your own insecurities then that's fine, but just admit this and don't tarnish everyone who goes in them as having questionable morals. Or the dancers as women who you can look down your nose at.

RestlessTraveller · 08/10/2017 14:58

You do realise Noloveofmine that women, and men for that matter are trafficked into other jobs too. Cleaning, factories etc? Shall we close down all those industries too?

I wasn't trafficked and never met a dancer that was, I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I think people are of the opinion that every club is solely staffed by trafficked women.

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:59

It's down to men who are happy to see women as sex objects and perpetuate a culture which degrades women and girls.

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 14:59

You do realise Noloveofmine that women, and men for that matter are trafficked into other jobs too. Cleaning, factories etc? Shall we close down all those industries too?

Sorry? Where have I said anything about trafficking?

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 15:00

I wasn't trafficked and never met a dancer that was, I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I think people are of the opinion that every club is solely staffed by trafficked women.

No, I'm of the opinion that they're staffed in the UK primarily by women who are choosing to work there.

I'm also of the opinion that they are degrading to all women and girls.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 08/10/2017 15:01

So a woman watching a male stripper is okay but a man watching a female stripper is wrong?

Someone has put very succinctly why is isn't comparable, but for the record, I also think that women who objectify men in this way are just as sad and pathetic.

Sayyouwill · 08/10/2017 15:03

@NoLoveofMine it's very fortunate that you're opinion on the matter doesn't dictate how everyone else should feel. It bothers you, it doesn't bother me. The joys of being different people. We do not live in a dictatorship, and so we are very fortunate to be able to have our own opinions. Yours does not and will not change mine and vice versa. I doubt either of us will lose sleep over it. You have a blanket ban on it, I don't.

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 15:05

This is a discussion board. There'd not be much point discussing anything if people didn't air their opinions.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 08/10/2017 15:07

It was me who mentioned trafficking but

You do realise Noloveofmine that women, and men for that matter are trafficked into other jobs too. Cleaning, factories etc? Shall we close down all those industries too

Erm, yes, if people are working illegally and being exploited, of course they should be stopped.

My sister works for a charity with people (mainly women) rescued from modern day slavery who have been trafficked and some of the stories would make your toes curl, to see how people (mainly men) have used and abused these women.

Sistersofmercy101 · 08/10/2017 15:09

Male strippers and chippendales are objects of KUDOS to other men (generally speaking) - it's empowering for them.
Female strippers are subject to the "Madonna and the whore" complex, an accepted psychological explanation as to why they're damned if they do and damned if they condemn it... Not empowering, especially given that most club owners set working conditions and take a substantial cut of their pay that often doesn't include sick pay etc... So no, I don't think your being unreasonable to judge the exploitative watchers and enablers but in no way is it fair or right to negatively judge a woman that dances to earn a living (especially not in the current dog eat dog climate!) plus kudos to a lass who can walk in them sky high heels much less dance ;)

kali110 · 08/10/2017 15:12

You really need to read a few stories behind how the sex trade works, because you just don't understand. EDUCATE YOURSELF 'LOVE'
Yes because im sure she will with patronising comments like that Hmm

kali110 · 08/10/2017 15:13

This is a discussion board. There'd not be much point discussing anything if people didn't air their opinions.
Except prople with different opinions are being shut down with condescending answers.
I dont think the op is wrong but some of these comments disgust me.
No wonder people don't want to air their opinions!

NoLoveofMine · 08/10/2017 15:15

Please do point out to me anywhere I've shut anyone down or posted any comments which "disgust" you.