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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 17/09/2017 22:56

I agree with you in theory but how much did the whole new wardrobe cost?

Caspiana · 17/09/2017 22:57

Depends how much it is. It is not some random mate, it is his brother so I think he should be there, unless it's £900 or something absolutely crazy.

StickThatInYourPipe · 17/09/2017 23:02

I think YABU this is his brother not some random mate! Plus you haven't said if he ever really spends money on himself or anything but it's implied this is the case. Why do you get treats but not him?

NashvilleQueen · 17/09/2017 23:03

Genuine question - if the stag do was free or cheap would you be quite happy for him to go?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 17/09/2017 23:03

I do understand where you're coming from.

But it's his brother... that's family and different rules apply. Unless your DH is one of 25 and they're all NC!

FenceSitter01 · 17/09/2017 23:03

Out of curiosity what did your DH do for his stag do and did BIL attend?

StickThatInYourPipe · 17/09/2017 23:03

*isn't the case

KeepServingTheDrinks · 17/09/2017 23:04

Why do you get treats but not him? - bit harsh! She's said her body changed shape post baby.

EamonnWright · 17/09/2017 23:05

The way you've framed that -

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

WinkHmm

Tazerface · 17/09/2017 23:06

How is buying clothing that fits a 'treat'? I call that a necessity.

YANBU in my opinion. Basically it sounds like he wants to use a family holiday amount of money for a piss up stag do, it's obscene. i would be pissed off the most with his brother, because he's essentially set you up so you can't say no without being 'the bitch' hasn't he? It doesn't matter what the reason is, you theoretically have the money spare so it should be ok to spend it on a bender abroad.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 17/09/2017 23:07

I think yabu. It's his brother!

KarateKitten · 17/09/2017 23:07

OP I think you're wrong. There are some events in life that you bend over backwards to attend and your brothers stag is one of them.

It also sounds like you're using excuses to stop him. You clearly don't want him to go for whatever reason. Whether it's because you don't like him having that much fun when you're stuck home with the baby (we all feel a bit like this when DH is doing something really great and we can't be there) or whether you are uncomfortable with men on stags.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 17/09/2017 23:08

Unless you are on the bones of your arse financially, which it doesn't sound like.

Luncharmstrong · 17/09/2017 23:08

What is the £?
I suspect yabu

Leavingonajet · 17/09/2017 23:08

It's a pita given you are trying to save but it is his db so I think he has to be able to go, unless there is something else you haven't told us.

StickThatInYourPipe · 17/09/2017 23:10

KeepServingTheDrinks right but sounds like she went on a major spree! Also she hinted that she bought expensive clothes as that is what her husband said and she hasn't said he is wrong.

It also doesn't sound like he spends money on himself, I think it is completely unreasonable to say he can't go. Does he not earn any of the money or have any say where it goes.

If this was a woman posting her DH wouldn't allow her to go on her sisters hen party, but he spent £££ on clothes MN would be screaming LTB and financial abuse

numbmum83 · 17/09/2017 23:11

I think a brothers stag do is quite important .. I think so many people get into relationships and stop doing things they want to do to keep the other person happy . It's about give and take . Would he stop you spending money if you wanted to go somewhere with your Sister or friends ?

I would let him go , it's not something that happens every month and may never happen again with it being his brother!

Original poster
Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 23:12

I dont get treats I had nothing to wear but maternity clothes so I bought new clothes to wear as nothing fitted, it was a necessity I've tried to buy as capsule a wardrobe as I can buy I literally expanded so have had to have new shoes, underwear, casual and work clothes.

OP posts:
Plop5 · 17/09/2017 23:14

How much is the stag do?

How much were the clothes?

FenceSitter01 · 17/09/2017 23:14

And again - What did your DH do for his stag and did BIL attend?

Liadain · 17/09/2017 23:15

Yabu. It is his brothers stag, it isn't like it is some lad he went to school with and hasn't seen in 10 years. It's a rite of passage for someone very close to him.

If it was expensive clothes that you bought, then double yabu - surely if you're saving so hard and yet spent £££ on clothes, he has the right to spend on a stag.

If the situation was reversed and it was a woman on here wanting to spend on a hen for her sister, we'd have people saying she was with a control freak, to ltb and make sure she was keeping some of her money in a secret account.

rachrach2 · 17/09/2017 23:16

My husband and I agree we will never go on a stag/hen for more than one night and £150 is the max we will spend (for everything). Otherwise we politely decline. I didn't go on one I was bridesmaid for because of this and it made it easy to not go. I took her out separately. YANBU!

StickThatInYourPipe · 17/09/2017 23:16

How is buying clothing that fits a 'treat'? I call that a necessity depends what the clothes are really doesn't it? I would consider I was treating myself if I was buying expensive clothes, necessity for me would be charity shops, especially at the expense of one off family occasions like dp to going on his brothers stag do

afrikat · 17/09/2017 23:16

I recently went on a hen do to Barcelona for one of my closest friends. It cost a fair bit at a time when my husband was on shared parental leave and not getting paid and we are also buying a new house. We technically couldn't afford it but there was no way I would miss it. Most of the girls there I've known for 20 years and we get such little time together now, it was wonderful to all be away together for a weekend with no responsibilities and the ability just to have fun and spend time together. We all had a blast and I have amazing memories of the weekend. If my husband had insisted I couldn't go because of money I would have been devastated and extremely resentful. It's not JUST a piss up - it's a chance to spend time with friends / family you don't get to see much of
It's his brother so yes I think he should go

Plop5 · 17/09/2017 23:19

The clothes are understandable. Capsule wardrobe.

How much disposable income do you have?

How much is the stag do