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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 12:21

TheNewKaren but he is using his OWN money and needs to take a part from the joint to make up some. He probably will put it back but OP wants a new carpet now!

LakieLady · 20/09/2017 12:25

FFS I hate my brain sometimes... thought it said £££££ on a slg*

And I initially thought it said "shag"!

Anyway, despite my despair at the way hen/stag nights have morphed into city breaks abroad, this is a once in a lifetime thing for his closest male relative and he's funding a big chunk of the cost himself, so YABU.

Spending on carpets and house stuff can be deferred, this can't.

I think you both need a proper chat about how finances, especially discretionary/personal spending, are managed though.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 12:27

Odd that he hasn't even got £500. I wouldn't dream of going on a holiday, if I was so short of funds, stag do or not.

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 12:30

Doesn't sound like he is allowed very much to begin with TheNewKaren

Roomster101 · 20/09/2017 12:43

TheNewKaren If you were a different shape several months after giving birth to the extent that you needed a new wardrobe then the new shape was a consequence of changed eating/exercise habits not of pregnancy itself.

loobyloo1234 · 20/09/2017 12:51

I was quite sympathetic to the OP until that last post. Ignored practically every reasonable question to concentrate on about two people fat shaming Confused

Also whilst I'm here - OP, YABVU to imagine that Next comes from a higher end sweatshop factory than bloody Primark! - this is total bollocks. The ethical standards that Next follow, are far greater than Primark. However, if you were to say, that some high end product will be made in Next factories, you are actually closer to the truth than Primark to Next

Capricorn76 · 20/09/2017 13:01

I think you should stick to the one child because it sounds as though if you had two, your DH would never be allowed to go out again. You're allowed to have some fun in life you know.

I remember a friend of mine telling her husband when she was pregnant with their second that their lives were over now and he would have to accept that. DH and I felt very sorry for him.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 13:06

Roomster it all depends on the individual circumstances, doesn't it?

Anyway, what's the big deal? Begrudging a new mum new clothes after going through the ordeals of pregnancy and childbirth is just horrible.

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 13:13

I didn't read it like that though tbh, he just used the clothes as an example that he doesn't get a look in on the money at all.

To me it reads that the OP has full control of the family budget. Both parties earn a wage and this goes into a joint account. OP allocates a small amount of money to DH but he needs to tell her what he is spending it on, if OP agrees he gets it, if not it's suddenly a waste of 'family money'. OP seems to have full allowance to spend what she wants, she has chosen to go for a full wardrobe.

Surely you can't say this is fair?

Yes this may be completely wrong but OP has ignored any questions relating to this and has solely concentrated on the clothes and the one or two fat comments.

hibbledobble · 20/09/2017 13:13

Yabu, it's his brother.

The wardrobe is a treat, unless it's all from the charity shop. You could have lost weight to fit into your old clothes too.

44PumpLane · 20/09/2017 13:24

Roomster101

Not necessarily. I'm lighter now than when I got pregnant, I have 9.5mo twins and don't fit into most of my wardrobe as my tummy. muscles split but not "enough" for the docs to consider action. As a result my stomach is a completely different shape and I've still not managed to fix it.

Trousers don't fit, dresses don't look good anymore and my tops don't fit- this is because I had a flat stomach pre pregnancy so all my clothes were stretchy or close fitting and now I have a stomach that still looks a bit pregnant due to the split muscles that I don't feel comfortable showing off in my close fitting clothes.

Roomster101 · 20/09/2017 13:25

Anyway, what's the big deal? Begrudging a new mum new clothes after going through the ordeals of pregnancy and childbirth is just horrible.

I just don't see that the new clothes have anything to do with being a new mum and that argument is only being put forward because OP wants to justify her spending whilst trying to prevent her DH from spending. It doesn't sound as if he begrudges the clothes. He just doesn't see them as any more essential than going to his brothers stag do.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 13:28

StickThat I can't find these statements in any of the OP's posts, regarding the decision making (joint or unilateral) nor any spending cuts imposed on the husband.

Instead, it seems to be a rather unpleasant situation where each other's needs and wishes are being criticised.

However, the fact remains that the OP had no earning capacity during her maternity leave which was a sacrifice that she made to enable them to have a family. If the husband doesn't appreciate that and considers new clothes as treats, which is unreasonable, then he's an arse.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 13:32

Roomster Unless he's planning to attend the stag do naked, then he'll probably also ha e bought new clothes at some point.

Generally I find that men also justify spending on clothes due to their expanding waistlines. Hope the OPs DH hasn't bought a single item of clothing since he became an adult.

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 13:36

As I said, it may be an incorrect assumption which the Op has refused to comment further on.

Also the child is a toddler, so unless op took 3+ years maternity or became a SAHM, which I assume not since she is buying work clothes, then she will have been contributing to the pot also. So why would this have anything to do with her DH not appreciating the sacrifice she made to have a family? Is he not allowed a say in the family money forever?

Me and my dp are partners and as such have equal share in the money, it doesn't matter who earns more etc. If I went and spent a significant amount on anything I would feel pretty shit making dp feel guilty about then spending any money on himself.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 13:44

Yes - these are assumptions and the facts remain that he's bearing a grudge about her spending (or he would not brought it up) and she's not accepting his spending. If they each have the same 'spending money' then it's completely irrelevant what it gets spent on, so I now assume that she bought her clothes from her allowance and he can't make his allowance work for his booze trip.

In any event, indirectly blaming her for putting weight on and buying new clothes is not a great opening line, if he wants to get his hands on joint funds to get pissed.

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 13:48

But the OP said she used family money to buy all the clothes as she stated her clothes were an investment for the family.

Roomster101 · 20/09/2017 13:52

Unless he's planning to attend the stag do naked, then he'll probably also ha e bought new clothes at some point.

Yes, but presumably OP will have spent a lot more on clothes than her as she has bought a whole new wardrobe in a short period of time and the clothes reasonably expensive. His priorities are different and he would prefer to spend money on his brother's stag do. I don't think that unreasonable.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 13:53

Then I misread. Did she therefore not have any money of her own, as she was on maternity?

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 13:53

Infact, all he dp actually said was he didn't think it was fair that he couldn't go on his brothers stag do, especially when he doesn't spend money on himself ever, not even on expensive clothes. It was the OP that decided that was about her. He could just always buy clothes from cheaper places and may not have been about the Op in the slightest.

I say things like 'I don't spend money on much, I don't even get my nails done' I'm not then suggesting that dp does get his nails done. It's just an expense that a lot of my mates spend money on

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 13:54

TheNewKaren the Op has not specified when she bought the clothes and has not suggested that dp was cross or annoyed or withheld money when she was on mat leave

KirstyLaura · 20/09/2017 13:56

Why are we focusing so much on OP sacrifices to have a family and not DH? We don't know if her DH is the one DESPERATE to have another baby now or not, or if the OP is more keen? We don't know if OP was the parent who pushed for the baby and DH agreed, or if DH was the one pushing for the baby, or if it was indeed a joint desire. Why is it instantly seen as a sacrifice for the woman to have a baby and have maternity leave? We don't know how long she took off, or how DH supported that emotionally and financially. The DH possibly and probably sacrificed too by a) not being the parent to have up to a year or beyond off with child, and b) to have less financial income into their family for that time. I wish women would stop advertising this bullshit hard done by bollocks of staying home with the children, as if it's a sure thing. Lots would love that luxury!

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 13:57

It's all speculation. My main point was not even the husband, but the attitude on here towards the wife.

Roomster101 · 20/09/2017 13:58

If they each have the same 'spending money' then it's completely irrelevant what it gets spent on, so I now assume that she bought her clothes from her allowance and he can't make his allowance work for his booze trip.

No, I think that OP bought her clothes from family money rather than her allowance as she deemed the weight increase to be due to the pregnancy and therefore a family expense!

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 14:01

But that is probably becuase op has ignored most pp and concentrated on the very few fat shaming comments and the clothes. Oh apart from the random post about him going meaning they can't get a carpet and the toddlers head was going to be cracked open. But this apparently was less important than the new wardrobe and was randomly chucked in after a lot of YABU!

The fat shaming comments are uncalled for though although there were very few of them.