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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 14:03

44PumpLane Same here - I also split my stomach muscles, but it did not warrant an operation. It got better, but no way my waistline will ever be the same.

BeautyQueenFromMars · 20/09/2017 14:06

Yes OP, you should have continued to wear your old, too small clothes, or your maternity clothing for however long it would have taken you to lose the weight you put on during pregnancy. Which could be up to a year, so not too long. Also, those clothes should be totally suitable for your new body shape, as one style suits all.

PhelanGood · 20/09/2017 14:13

@beautyqueenfrommars and what -( and it sounds like she is)- if OP is happy with her new shape?! Is it that unthinkable that someone would want to be curvy?

noeffingidea · 20/09/2017 14:17

Beautyqueen the baby is a toddler now, so presumably more than a year.
The question is though, did the OP buy essential clothing, perhaps mixing in with some older garments, and shopping carefully, or did she take the opportunity to go a bit mad and indulge herself with family money. I suspect the truth may be closer to the second scenario, given her comment about 'Primarni'.
Of course everyone in the family is entitled to buy new clothes as needed, but there is a point where buying clothes is also done for pleasure as well, and perhaps the OP's husband feels that line was crossed.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 14:18

But I do have to say that the husband comes across like a child. She needs clothes to go to work and he needs money for a piss up?

scattysally · 20/09/2017 14:18

You think he shouldn't spend so much on his brother's stag do and he's suggested you've spent too much on clothes. Agree to disagree and accept he is going. Don't make him feel guilty for spending money on something he has no choice over. If he misses his own brother's stag do on your say so, this will never ever be forgotten. By your husband or his brother, and everyone else who will notice his absence.

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 14:24

TheNewKaren I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

I just know if I had to ask permission from my dp to spend money which we had I think it would breed resentment. Especially if I saw him spending god knows how much on clothes. As OP has completely avoided the questions I would imagine it is a lot more that what would be nessesary or even acceptable to some.

TheNewKaren · 20/09/2017 14:31

Oh I agree and personally I have not asked anybody for anything since 2013 . Nor do I share bank acccounts with anybody. Wouldn't dream of it. However, I do know that spending on clothes is typically something that's being criticised unfairly, especially after pregnancy.

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/09/2017 14:45

Hehe sounds much better!! I do share an account but really it's just for bills

No I do agree that it seems that way, but I never read this as an either/or situation (she can't take them back!!) I just think if he really never spends on himself, he should be able to have a weekend away treat.

HenriettaH · 20/09/2017 15:30

He should do what he wants. He may be married to you but you dont own him. He should go to his brothers stag .... he should not even be asking you...but telling you he's going. Marriage is not supposed to resemble being incarcerated. Geez

SherbrookeFosterer · 20/09/2017 15:49

Expensive stag and hen dos really bother me unless there is a degree of cross subsidisation. I once spent £1,000 on one and the bloody marriage only lasted six years!

But as it is his brother, and not a work colleague or a random mate, you will have to suck this one up and try to keep your sense of humour. You don't want any feeling of resentment between you both in the lead up or while he is away.

But I completely understand your frustration.

Stay strong!

SaintSkanker · 20/09/2017 16:32

think ahead a little to the actual wedding. If you make him stay home he will be the henpecked best man who doesn't have any stag stories to tell- sad. You will be the mean spirited wife who wouldn't let him go. Lighten up and see the bigger picture, you can redeem yr 'I'm a great wife' vouchers in good time.

SaintSkanker · 20/09/2017 16:36

Oopsie, don't know where I got best man bit from! Still think same.

treacletoffee23 · 20/09/2017 16:45

What started as a post about one subject quickly turned into another when you didnt get the responses you expected. Hubby should go. My sister and her husband worked so hard saving, forgoing treats etc for her to die at 35. When my own husband had to retire because of ill health, he bought an expensive guitar which he had wanted forever....I had a bucket under a leaky sink and draughty windows. But l fully supported the purchase. It gives him so much joy. The renovations were done eventually.
Life is short.

Bluntness100 · 21/09/2017 07:28

The OP has hugely compromised her own earning potential to have HIS children and was therefore forced to fund her necessary clothes purchases out of the joint funds to get herself up and running again after maternity leave

Don't be a twat about it, they are her children too and I'm sure she wanted them as much as he did. I really hate it when women encourage other women to play the martyr about having children. Plenty of women actively want to have children you know,. Suggesting she did it as nothing more than some form of altruistic act for him is ridiculous. They are not HIS children and more than they are HER children, they are THEIR children.

Nothing7 · 23/09/2017 07:33

I think the OP has gone??

I think the hubby should go on the stag as it’s his brother but do agree it’s a silly amount of money.

Why not have a chat with the husband about it and see if he can speak to his brother about taming it so it isn’t going to cost so much?

My husband has been on many stags and one I did stand in the way of because it was abroad and with an old football friend who he hadn’t even so much as had a pint with for 2 years, and wasn’t that close to him or the people going. From that perspective as we had a lot of debt I let him make the decision but I put it to him that he had to decide whether it was appropriate for us to go into more debt. He did suck it up and it didn’t cause arguemenrs.

Other than that his friends have taken their stags down a notch, they still go away for 2 nights but have them in uk. Because they realised apart from sunshine the theme generally has been the same, they go and get drunk for 2 days. It doesn’t need to be abroad to do that.

I hate how ridiculous they have become, i think it’s totally unnecessary to spend as much as it’s got to now.

Once a friend was going to Vegas, I made it very clear I wouldn’t be happy about my hubby going to that, we physically didn’t have the money. Luckily enough of the guys weren’t buying into that idea so Vegas didn’t happen they went to Dublin it still cost a fortune but not as much. the marriage lasted 18 months...

In this respect unless you are heavily in debt or can’t pay your bills I really think you’ll have to suck it up. It’s his brother. I’d say the same for close friends too. If he’s close enough he could try and ask his brother to rein the costs in.

His remark about the clothes was unnecessary and I’m sure he didn’t want to make you feel bad it was probably more of a desperate plea to get you to agree to the stag. He just delivered it badly.

If renovations are a big thing and the carpet sounds like a problem why not say we can go on the stag but the carpet has to be done by said date. If that means he has less pocket money for a couple of months to put the money back in the reno pot then it’s still a win win in my eyes.

Money is the hardest thing sometimes to deal with as a couple especially when you have shared money. we’ve been in debt for a number of years, but are dealing with it and after a number of years have no gotten to the point where we can talk openly about monet and how we spend it and our priorities to clear our debt.

Let him go. Let him know that you wished the money could go to better use but don’t fall out with him over it. He’s in a difficult situation, it’s his brother and I’m sure there is an element of pride in there too

Figgygal · 23/09/2017 07:44

Nah sorry it's his brother and it's not your place to dictate what other people do for their stag. You had what you wanted for your hen other people want something different Life would be very boring if we all like to do the same things

You shouldn't begrudge him is brothers stag

Pootle40 · 23/09/2017 07:46

Surely you spent more than £500 on your capsule wardrobe?! I don't think money is the real issue here

llangennith · 23/09/2017 08:11

YABU and behaving like a petulant child. Stop trying to control your DH.

mathanxiety · 23/09/2017 08:23

Yes, they are their children, but they don't call a second class career 'the mommy track' for nothing.

Should she have played the martyr and bought her wardrobe in charity shops?

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/09/2017 12:28

If a 'second class career' matters so much - then don't deliberately put yourself in that position.

Having children is a choice, not a requirement or a dictat.
Don't blame others for the choices you choose to make and the positions you choose to put yourself in.
Op obviously doesn't care much for that argument because she's already decided to ttc again despite finances being 'stretched'.

mathanxiety · 23/09/2017 21:58

Sometimes I wonder what sort of universe some people inhabit.

Both the mother and the father are parents, no? So why should the impact of parenthood fall disproportionately on the mother?

And presumably both the parents are going to be involved in the TTCing, so presumably both of them are aware of their financial situation and as adults are capable of deciding whether their finances will be adequate to cover maternity leave and subsequent baby and childcare.

The problem in budgeting arises when a third party decides it is ok to require family and friends to conjure up £500+ to spend on a vanity project.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/09/2017 22:45

OP's long gone.

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