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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 17/09/2017 23:19

Do you have 'pocket money' that you can spend on what you want? We operate that system with our finances so DH would need to save out of that for a stag. And wouldn't be in a position to have a dig at me even if I came hope with a bunch of Harrods bags.

Other than that, I'd probably agree to spend the money as it's his brother and we're talking delay in house renovation projects and not beIng unable to pay your mortgage because of it.

I do think, though, that it's utterly inconsiderate to organise such expensive stag dues where people feel pressured into going even if they can't quite afford it.

Original poster
Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 23:21

Yes I spend more money on work clothes because I have a professional job and need to look professional I can't turn up in primani and expect to be taken seriously so it's a contribution to the family as I will hopefully earn a promotion in the near future therefore increasing our earnings

He does work hard and I don't have a problem with stag dos he's been on them before, but that was before we had a child and a house that needed extensive work, I just think it's selfish. I wouldn't spend that much on a trip away just for me.

OP posts:
EamonnWright · 17/09/2017 23:21

Will you be going to the Hen Do?

FenceSitter01 · 17/09/2017 23:22

I suppose you could look at it that being over weight, and a dress size is roughly two stone, that you aren't putting your family first either by allowing your self to 'literally expand' - which had nothing to do with excessive calorie consumption. The weight just arrived ? A little less eating for two and a lot more walking would do you the power of good and you'd be back in your old clothes in no time - which is a far greater buzz than having to upsize.

EamonnWright · 17/09/2017 23:24

I suppose you could look at it that being over weight, and a dress size is roughly two stone, that you aren't putting your family first either by allowing your self to 'literally expand' - which had nothing to do with excessive calorie consumption. The weight just arrived ? A little less eating for two and a lot more walking would do you the power of good and you'd be back in your old clothes in no time - which is a far greater buzz than having to upsize.

Look your tin hat out pronto Shock

Nancy91 · 17/09/2017 23:26

I think he should go, it's his brother.

FenceSitter01 · 17/09/2017 23:26

Why? truth hurt?

Primani my arse.

HeddaGarbled · 17/09/2017 23:27

It's his brother's stag do. Of course he must go. His brother will never forgive him if he doesn't. If money is tight, he needs to explain that to his brother and ask for the costs to be kept down. But it doesn't sound like money is that tight, you just want to spend it on what your priorities.

You are wrong to think that attending the wedding is enough. He is the most important attendee at the stag and his brother will be very very hurt if he doesn't go. If his brother knows that it is you who stopped him going, your relationship with him will probably be hostile for the rest of your lives.

ShoesHaveSouls · 17/09/2017 23:28

I don't think it's reasonable to stop him going to his brother's stag do.

Jg1 · 17/09/2017 23:29

FenceSitter01 REALLY?!!!!!!!

StickThatInYourPipe · 17/09/2017 23:31

You cannot say expensive clothes are a contribution to the family! They sell professional suits at Tesco and I can't see how anyone would know of you bought a suit from Primark unless your going all Arrested Development and wearing your clothes inside out to show off the labels!

You bought those clothes because you liked them, which is fine. It is very unreasonable however to then stop your DH going on his brothers stag do! Especially if he doesn't often spend money on himself.

You haven't said how much it will cost or how long he has to save and pay for it either. Or answered a PP - what did DH do for his stag and did is DB attended?

Original poster
Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 23:31

His stag was a cheaper weekend in the UK but BIL was single with no commitments so it wasn't a problem for him, my hen do was a night out at home because I don't see why you need to spend a small fortune just because you are getting married, I could have lived without one.

So I suppose I view all hen and stags as expensive and unnecessary and that colours my point of view.

I've suggested they do a small family night out but apparently that's not good enough.

He has his own spending money he could save out of but the current cost is looking at being £500 plus so he'd have to dip into our family money to afford it.

OP posts:
Etymology23 · 17/09/2017 23:31

Professional work wardrobes don't have to be expensive - I shop in charity shops and sales. Ultimately new clothes are a necessity but we can often trick ourselves into thinking we need to spend more than we do. Smart shirts and trousers can be bought cheaply and mixed and matched with a single more expensive jacket. Or stretchy dresses can be bought in charity shops to cut the price. Ultimately though, there's nothing wrong with having spent more money than was strictly necessary on clothes - and there is also nothing wrong with spending money on a stag do. How much were the clothes and how much is the stag do?

Plop5 · 17/09/2017 23:31

How much is the
Stag do?

Etymology23 · 17/09/2017 23:32

X-post sorry!

redsquirrel2 · 17/09/2017 23:33

YABU. It's his brother. And presumably a once-in-a-lifetime trip. Let him go. And you can wear primani clothes in a professional job you know, people really can't tell the difference.

Idontevencareanymore · 17/09/2017 23:34

You sound a little controlling.

It's all about what benefits you and nothing about him.
Also suggesting he can do something that fits in with your ideals.

Yabu

onceandneveragain · 17/09/2017 23:35

Wow fencesitter not exactly living up to your name with that one Grin

Op sorry I do agree with others - his brother is different to a random mate, it probably will look bad if he doesn't go.

It seems a shame if you both work hard in professional jobs but neither of you have any money for any treats at all.

Can you compromise at all? E.g he goes on the stag and pays for the essentials (travel, hotel, food) but doesn't drink much and doesn't do all the activities they might be planning?

MargaretCavendish · 17/09/2017 23:35

His stag was a cheaper weekend in the UK but BIL was single with no commitments so it wasn't a problem for him

Erm, what? So if you get married first it's perfectly reasonable to expect your friends/relatives to come to your event, but then after that you owe them nothing but you have 'commitments' now? Because single people barely count, do they? Who would bother being considerate to them?

I think you're being very unreasonable - it's his brother - and incredibly controlling.

jay55 · 17/09/2017 23:35

The stag do is one weekend. The clothes will last considerably longer and so comparing costs just doesn't make sense.

EamonnWright · 17/09/2017 23:35

You suggested a completely different stag do for them?

Raizel · 17/09/2017 23:35

First you should really get your head out of your arse with your primani comment some people don't have a lot of money and therefore have to shop at discount clothes shops and believe it or not we are still taken seriously in society.

As for the stag do yes he should go he is his brother! I would have been devastated if my brother hadn't been with me on mine.

ElmerFudge · 17/09/2017 23:36

He wants to go, not has to. He shouldn't have to get your permission. I'm sure he works hard & deserves a bit of fun.
What if it was your sister / best mate?

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 17/09/2017 23:37

I'm on the fence, I think this is a one off and you are being a little mean. That said, his comment was in poor taste.

blue25 · 17/09/2017 23:37

YABU. There's no way I would try and stop my partner going to his brother's stag do. It's a one off and he should be there with his brother. Chill out and let him enjoy himself.