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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 18/09/2017 02:36

He's not a big spender normally it seems, so why don't you leave him alone? Its his brother's wedding, hardly a regular event, and you are tryinig to put a damper on it not to mention being controlling. You don't think its appropriate use of family money? So, he's only allowed to spend on what you deem is reasonable? All very worthy and dictatorial and tedious sounding. Id be pissed off mightily if my OH tried this with me. Wouldn't happen though, responsible adults trust each other. You sound like an admonishing parent

MistressDeeCee · 18/09/2017 02:37

Perhaps you can decide whether you should "let" him goHmm

NikiBabe · 18/09/2017 02:38

I work with a lot of lawyers and the description of nice tapered trousers, a patterned blouse, cool flats, bright knits does not ring a bell at all. It's all Christian Louboutin shoes and Kiton suits around here, and the bigger the Patek Philippe watch you can flash under your French cuffs the better.

Depends on the law firm. Sounds like you worked with a bunch of over paid jumped up city lawyers. The description of patterned blouse and flats rings true for me having worked in legal aid fiims that dont pay enough for you to buy Louboutin shoes.

As for your shock at anyone wearing a tesco to suit to work....have a Biscuit for your nasty snobbery.

CluelessMummy · 18/09/2017 02:41

It's a one-off event that your DH really should be involved in - the alternative is that your future BIL misses out on having his brother there for a (hopefully) once in a lifetime holiday. So yes, YABU.

FWIW I am returning to work after having a baby and I totally understand you wanting some new clothes (especially if they don't fit), but calling your new wardrobe a "contribution to the family" is a bit of a stretch.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/09/2017 02:42

I think 500 quid on a stag away is utterly ridiculous. But he doesn't. And it's his brother. If it really is a choice between your child's safety and the stag, fair enough. But I have a feeling that hyperbole.

How much was the wardrobe BTW? I think @FenceSitter01's answer was repulsive but new clothes don't have to be wildly expensive clothes. Same as stags really.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2017 02:47

ZaphodBeeblerox
No one's ripping into her for needing or buying the clothes! But ripping into her for being so judgemental and controlling about what her DH spends money on.

Even her own husband has ripped into her for buying new clothes, and I have reported BoomBoom's execrable post.

It's not the only example of criticism of her weight, or the fact that she bought new clothes, but it is the most objectionable.

I spent my twenties working in the city in a posh job but wore mix and match suits from M&S. Not one cost over £50-£60. That's cos I grew up poor and couldn't in my head justify that kind of expense.

And that's also cos you weren't trying to dress a body that had just manufactured an infant and pushed it out into the world and spent months getting maybe three or four hours of unbroken sleep at night if you were lucky. All of the above wreaks havoc with your shape.

Peanutbuttercheese · 18/09/2017 02:53

There is no indication whatsoever as to what £500 is to this couple. For some it's a lot of money and for some it barely registers.

It's his brother, he isn't usually a spender and you sound incredibly joyless.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2017 03:00

NikiBabe
As for your shock at anyone wearing a tesco to suit to work....have a Biscuit for your nasty snobbery.

Here is what I actually said:
Shock at the idea that someone could show up at any job wearing a Tesco suit

I am Shock at the idea that people think it would cut the mustard just anywhere, not at the idea that a Tesco suit would be worn. If I had wished to say that nobody should wear a Tesco suit to work I would have said Shock at the idea that someone could show up at a job wearing a Tesco suit.

Of course a Tesco suit would be perfectly fine in many places and they look very nice on a lot of people, but to blithely assume that the OP's workplace and the OP's post baby body is one of them just stokes the unfair criticism of her.

One size does not fit all (and work environments where people wear expensive suits are not necessarily full of jumped up city types either).

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/09/2017 03:03

Yabu

It's his brother. He should go.

segc94 · 18/09/2017 03:06

You sound controlling and you are being unreasonable in my opinion.

I wouldn't even consider stopping my partner from going his brothers stag do, unless we were well and truly skint which I presume you're not.

Also, would you dismiss someone a promotion and even not take them seriously just because they're wearing work clothes from primark? You're clutching at straws here.

segc94 · 18/09/2017 03:15

I know it's shit and in an ideal world we'd be able to do everything but it's just such a waste of money, we could use that money to renovate a whole room!

Life experiences and memories with his brother and friends are worth so much more than a bloody renovated room! It's his brothers stag do fgs, let the poor man go!

WineAndTiramisu · 18/09/2017 04:13

YABU it's his brothers stag do, not a friend he's not seen in years, that's definitely higher priority than redecorating rooms...

pasturesgreen · 18/09/2017 04:43

Sorry, but you can't veto his brother's stag do!

Another lawyer here: my wardrobe is about 2/3 charity shop and ebay as I find the current attitude to fast fashion unjustifiably wasteful. You can find some great bargains if you know what to look for, so sorry but I don't buy the notion that you had to spend £500 on a new wardrobe. You wanted to, you could afford to, yes, but you didn't have to.

Anyway, so seem to have already decided your DH shouldn't go, so why I even bother answering I don't know...Hmm

gingergenius · 18/09/2017 04:44

YANBU to dislike expensive stag weekends, but I think, if he doesn't otherwise waste money, and is on board with your joint life plans, it's very unreasonable to expect him not to go to this one-off event - for his brother (not some randomer) and I think it's best to look at it from a perspective of having effectively saved up for it by not having had lots of smaller expenses over the year. Just because you think it's a waste of money doesn't mean it is. That's your opinion so provided he isn't financially wasteful in other areas I think you have to suck it up!

pasturesgreen · 18/09/2017 04:48

And the only jobs where people actually care where your clothes are from are those in the fashion industry!

gingergenius · 18/09/2017 04:49

@mathanxiety I'm not into the body shaming but the OP stated her dc is s toddler, so she's not immediately postpartum. Not that this has any relevance to her wanting to purchase new clothes, but just wanted to mention it!

mathanxiety · 18/09/2017 04:52

I don't know why so many people here think a post pregnancy body can look good in a charity shop ensemble for work, or a Tesco suit. Just because you can get something on and it doesn't fall off doesn't mean you can look presentable in it with your muffin top and your newfound megaboobs.

Charity shopping can also be a bit hit or miss in many places, and it is hard to spend the amount of time it requires when you are schlepping a baby along with you, or trying to fit it into limited time off work.

You can't always e-Bay clothing either, when you are dealing with a changed body shape. It's best to try clothes on.

There are tradeoffs - time, effort, likelihood of coming away empty handed, vs efficient use of time when you are busy, knowing you can put together a versatile capsule wardrobe if you shop wisely, buying clothing made from fabrics that don't have to be dry cleaned and don't need special treatment like hand washing.

ethelfleda · 18/09/2017 04:54

YABU!!

Karak · 18/09/2017 05:23

Another lawyer here! I wore a primary suit to an MC interview 😀. It's not about the label, it's about how it fits.

My work is now only suited and booted for women for client meetings (and not always then) although I tend to wear a suit a lot because it's easier. How 'designer' everyone is depends on the office/firm but showy designer labels tend to be the more junior lawyers at my firm. Once you get past a certain level of PQE you've got bigger things to worry about!

Karak · 18/09/2017 05:29

Just to add - OP says Tesco's looks shit on her so fine. However, that doesn't mean it looks rubbish on everyone. I've seen someone in a primark suit you would have though was high end designer because it worked on her.

mogulfield · 18/09/2017 05:39

YABU Op, you've spent money on a whole new wardrobe, for whatever reason, you spent your money. (£800 ish on new wardrobe at a guess? If it includes suits, shoes and casual).
Let him spend some of your money on his brothers stag do, it's his brother.
I guess I just consider my DH a bit more financially. It's a joint effort.

Bumdishcloths · 18/09/2017 05:42

YABU

Solely because it appears that what you want is more important than what he wants. Relationships are about compromise, not 'my spending is more important than your spending'. You could probably renovate a whole room with what you spent on clothes but I don't see you drawing that parallel.

AccrualIntentions · 18/09/2017 05:43

It's his brother. The clothes are irrelevant.

You've already said he would be saving most of the money from his spending money and just dipping into the savings pot to top it up so it's not even setting your plans back by the full £500. It might delay things what, a fortnight? That's not a big deal compared to the fact it's his brother.

Gorgosparta · 18/09/2017 05:55

Personally i would wave him off and wish him a good time.

Why wont you put a figure on what you spent on clothes?

The clothes are kind of relevant. Because he is saying he wouldnt go out and spend money on clothes or would buy cheaper. If thats the case and he really doesnt spend much on himself, i really dont think £500 can be begrudged.

My dbro had a stag abroad and so did sil. Neither me or dh went as our baby was due the week before. Also i am not a fan of aborad stag dos.

I think it would be petty and controlling to attempt to ban it of he wants to go. Its not up to to say your husbands weekend was fine because bil didnt have commitments. Its not up to you to tell them they should do something else.

Are neither of you going to be able to have any fun while ttc and when you are on MAT leave? What if it takes a year to conceive? Or 2?

Ilovetolurk · 18/09/2017 06:02

YABU and controlling

It's his brother and he is funding most of it himself.

Comments re your size and wardrobe are unnecessary. I went up a size after having DS even after returning to prebaby weight as everything had spread