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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 17/09/2017 23:37

I've suggested they do a small family night out but apparently that's not good enough.

How astonishing that BIL didn't want a stag do planned by his brother's wife with the express intention to make it as small and cheap as possible.

Original poster
Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 23:39

I'm sorry but there is a difference between a proper suit and a Tesco suit and you can tell it just would not be acceptable for me to turn up to work looking like a I just graduated.
I'm also a funny shape now so I do need to wear well cut clothes, I've tried asda and Tesco and they just look awful although I do have Primark skinny jeans because they are stretchy Grin

I really don't think I'm going to exercise away my increased chest size due to my expenses run cage or my increased shoe size. The apron on skin on my tummy isn't going to melt away with a few personal training sessions either. Thanks for the body sham though! Hmm

OP posts:
Liadain · 17/09/2017 23:39

Your work wardrobe is not a contribution to the family. 😂😂😂😂 You bought expensive clothes because you like them. Fine, nothing wrong with it at all if you have the money - but it's so hypocritical to deny your partner the chance to spend on his priorities.

Your posts are all very me, me, me. I this, I that...comes across as very self absorbed.

onceandneveragain · 17/09/2017 23:39

You think spending money on stags/hens/expensive parties is frivolous and unnecessary.

Other people think spending a lot of money on branded clothes when you can get cheaper alternative is frivolous and unnecessary.

People have different financial priorities. Your view on what are appropriate outgoings and which arent are not automatically correct just because their your views.

Original poster
Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 23:40

Expanded rib cage

OP posts:
Twofurrycats · 17/09/2017 23:40

On balance I would say yabu because:

  • it is his brother (and this isn't his third wedding and stag abroad)
  • the money seems to be being saved for longer term projects so wouldn't mean impacting on here and now expenses.
DiegoMadonna · 17/09/2017 23:42

I hate this trend of overseas weekend stag-dos. Especially as in your late 20s/early 30s you end up with at least one per year, sometimes more.

Having said that, in some cases there's not much you can do but suck it up and spend the money. I've said I can't make it to a fair few over the years (and all have been understanding - that's how it goes when you choose an expensive trip), but there are some you can't say no to, and I'd include my brother/s in that.

afrikat · 17/09/2017 23:43

I work in a professional setting and have never thought someone was good at their job because they were wearing an expensive outfit. As long as you look smart it doesn't matter where your clothes come from so I really think you are trying to justify your expensive tastes there.
Also if your job is seriously in a world where everyone is earning enough to be showing off high end labels you are obviously earning decent money so stop being stingey and let him have a fun weekend with his brother!

FenceSitter01 · 17/09/2017 23:44

In my world people get promoted because they are competent not because they 'are a funny shape' and need new clothes.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 17/09/2017 23:45

I've suggested they do a small family night out but apparently that's not good enough

How kind of you Grin

I'm sure your BIL has taken your thoughts on board and would adhere to your suggestion.

They could go to Iceland for the buffet too.

Candlemiss · 17/09/2017 23:47

Heh. You suggested a small family night out. Like, it's your stag do then?

Nancy91 · 17/09/2017 23:48

It's not up to you what he does.

DarthMaiden · 17/09/2017 23:48

I was a bit sympathetic because I find the increasing excess of stag/hen parties somewhat tacky until you mentioned Primani....

If it was a casual friend you might have a point, but it's his brother and it's sounds like you can afford it, you just don't think it's a priority.

On the other hand, a capsule expensive wardrobe is obviously a necessity as you perceive it.

It does sound a bit like you are being a bit mean spirited tbh - justifying your own expenses as a "work investment" in effect. Fine - your choices. But why not think of his perception of this stag being an investment in his family and sibling relationship?

annandale · 17/09/2017 23:50

It's a lot of money and I wouldn't be delighted but I couldn't live with stopping my dh going on his brother's stag do. Life is more than house renovations.

I do think you are deluding yourself if you think that your professional success relies on clothing of a certain price - I do think though that at times when you go up two clothes sizes (I have done this) getting clothes that are nicer than you would otherwise get can be a real boost and make you feel OK.

Maybe after this trip you could both do with sitting down and sorting out the budget together.

Smarshian · 17/09/2017 23:50

Yab totally U. Suck it up it's his brothers stag!

AnyFucker · 17/09/2017 23:53

You sound a bit unpleasant, op

SallyForthSunshine · 17/09/2017 23:53

If this was a woman posting her DH wouldn't allow her to go on her sisters hen party, but he spent £££ on clothes MN would be screaming LTB and financial abuse

No, if he'd spent £££ on clothes because of bringing their child into the world I'd be full of the utmost respect actually. Is he birthing these babies naturally or via c-section?

Original poster
Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 23:53

Who said I bought high end labels? I only buy high street. The moderate and very occasionally high end of the high street but in no way excessive and I will wear those clothes for the next few years.

I didn't suggest they rearrange what they were doing just that if he misses out because it's expensive then he could arrange a special night out for just them to make up for it.

I know it's shit and in an ideal world we'd be able to do everything but it's just such a waste of money, we could use that money to renovate a whole room! And I think that's the least selfish option, when you have a family I think your priorities need to be focused on what's best for your family as in our DC

OP posts:
ZaphodBeeblerox · 17/09/2017 23:53

I think onceandneveragain has it right. You might think expensive stag dos are a waste of time! That's your prerogative. I spent my twenties working in the city in a posh job but wore mix and match suits from M&S. Not one cost over £50-£60. That's cos I grew up poor and couldn't in my head justify that kind of expense.

So basically, different strokes for different folks.

You sound very controlling. Esp wrt giving your BIL suggestions for his stag do fgs!

How much discretionary spending does your DH undertake? And how much do you? Include your clothes in that amount too. It's not your fault your body has changed, but it is your choice to dress yourself in fancy clothes.

StickThatInYourPipe · 17/09/2017 23:54

You sound worse with every update, you sound very controlling and judgemental. Where I work (in a professional setting) people value the actual work you do and the contribution you make, not how many pounds you spend on an outfit!

That new blazer you just had to have is not a household contribution so stop kidding yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2017 23:56

This is his BROTHER'S stag. Is this really the hill you want to die on?

ZaphodBeeblerox · 17/09/2017 23:57

Also Op it sounds very much like you'd like your husband to say no because you judge it to be frivolous. So even if it was much cheaper and you could easily afford it it sounds like you're just being very judgemental and angry at him for not making the choices you would. That's a recipe for resentment in your marriage. And quite unnecessary.

Hopefully the chorus of voices on here telling you YABU will help you get some perspective on why a group of largely women still are siding with your DH despite many of us not fancying such stag dos ourselves.

SallyForthSunshine · 17/09/2017 23:57

Have a look on eBay for quality clothing. Even if it doesn't look exactly boxfresh, people aren't going to know someone else wore it first.

And yeah, you will have to suck it up. Stags and hens are tedious as fuck, but it's one of those things where you have to grit your teeth and smile along when it's family. Or get bladdered.

HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 17/09/2017 23:58

Op there is nothing wrong with you buying clothes. But when you are allowed to monopolise a portion of the family budget for something which is just for you then he should be allowed to have a weekend away on a stag do. It's a one off.

AudacityJones · 18/09/2017 00:00

Heh. I've done interviews on the telly as an "expert" in £60 suits OP. No one minds really. The only jobs where people genuinely care deeply about your labels etc are the kinds of jobs like what some of my uni friends do - bankers / lawyers etc who are all getting paid enough that a spare £500 doesn't mean very much. And some of them still shop at M&S because we grew up poor and still love a value for money bargain. (Also M&S does seriously good value for money suits, esp for men! But irrelevant to this thread).