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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 18/09/2017 00:38

I was with you about the stag thing because I think it's ridiculous that a night on the piss making a tit out of yourself has morphed into a weekend abroad and all of a sudden that's essential.

And no I dont think he ought to be able to use family money to fund it, it's a personal jolly.

But it sounds like you used family money for your personal wardrobe and given that your being cagey about how much you spent and referring to it as a family investment and coming out with nonsense like next clothes make sure your going to be taken seriously at work I'm guessing that you spent more or around the same amount as he's intending to.

Which means that you have to just suck it up.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 18/09/2017 00:38

That's a right bitchy comment, BoomBoom! Women's body shapes change after childbirth and it can be very difficult to lose the weight. Anyway, she isn't spending a fortune on clothes, they are from the high street! If she'd said 'DH wants to spend over £500 on his brother's stag but we are skint and the only thing I've bought for myself in the last year are some cheap clothes to go back to work in' there'd be a different tone on here.

Mind you, I'm not sure you and your DH both see renovations as equally important - what needs done? Are we talking holes in the floors and exposed wiring (that was my childhood home) or painting over some not ideal colour choices?

Karen85 · 18/09/2017 00:39

Would you miss your sisters hen party if your husband objected?

Thissameearth · 18/09/2017 00:39

@audacity I'm a lawyer and no one I work with gives a shit re labels! Suits are quite dated too where I am OP - it's nice tapered trousers, a patterned blouse, cool flats, bright knits - all quite forgiving when cheaper. And even then needs must. (I don't think I've ever bought anything full price or expensive for work either. a jaeger suit jacket for £29 in sale, m and s "Italian" trousers for 20% off, love a marks cardi as well and printed gap shirts, I buy shoes in Jones and kurt Geiger in sale as I think they're good quality but i also love £20 accessorize flats). So I don't think your spending on mid range and some high range clothes was necessary and in keeping with your code re family wellbeing. BUT I think you're being way too strict anyway.

I generally hate stags and hens but if it was my sister's there's no way I'd miss it. And your husband doesn't want to miss it! You didn't want to buy cheap clothes! Both are ok. it's £500 odd quid not a massive sum for you if you're both working and have your own home, you're a professional etc. Life cannot just be doggedly sticking to a list. The house will get done and mat leave saved up for. Your husband sounds like he's a good guy generally not someone trying to piss all the money away. How is he responding to your comments? My husband is a sensible and decent adult and if he wanted to go then I imagine I'd say in your circs go and we'll make it work - as he would with me. It's what an extra month's savings? Also my husband and i would never dream of telling someone else how to celebrate their own occasions Shock

BlackeyedSusan · 18/09/2017 00:41

Some professions require a certain standard of clothes. And yes there is a difference.

And peoples feet change after pregnancy. connective tissue loosens with the progesterone and sometimes they do not recover their original shape.

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/09/2017 00:46

Some professions require a certain standard of clothes. And yes there is a difference Not many professions stipulate you can't wear clothes from Primark but then pay so little that £500 is even worth thinking about.

AudacityJones · 18/09/2017 00:54

Oh that's interesting thissameearth. When I first started working I'd find my lawyer friends to be the only ones who bought expensive clothes on their credit cards. This was honestly a shock to me - I was raised to never put anything on credit (other than a mortgage of course) and still follow that policy - but they seemed to spend it because they were expected to? Anyway, reiterates my point that clothes don't make the man (or woman)

AudacityJones · 18/09/2017 00:54

Not many professions stipulate you can't wear clothes from Primark but then pay so little that £500 is even worth thinking about.

This!

KitKat1985 · 18/09/2017 01:05

I think you've had a few harsh responses on here OP. I wouldn't be thrilled if my DH came home and said he was spending £500 on a stag do. But, obviously if it's for his brother, and I think provided it isn't going to cause serious financial issues (like making it difficult to pay the mortgage that month or buy groceries) then I'd sigh, and view it as an irritating one-off expense.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 18/09/2017 01:10

YABVU and as pp said, a nag. You sound so selfish and controlling. Poor man, it's his BROTHERS stag do, that's important. If it was some random mate it would be different but his brother ffs, of course he needs to go. Keep it up OP and I don't think there will be a second baby or indeed a marriage.

ittakes2 · 18/09/2017 01:13

Sorry but I think you should let him go. It's his brother - how can you make him miss it?

Thissameearth · 18/09/2017 01:16

Sounds dreadful @audacity. May well be plenty like that but rest assured we're not a homogeneous mass and loads don't Smile

MadamePomfrey · 18/09/2017 01:26

I'm torn..... I don't agre with people expecting you to pay loads to go on stags/hens. However you DH wants to go and it's his brother! Yes it's a lot of money yes I agree you could use it elsewhere but its important to him! Can you cut back anywhere else to make it possible?

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/09/2017 01:33

BoomBoom Reported.

I dont agree with the OP's stance either but what you said was plain fucking bitchy. You should be ashamed of yourself.

DiegoMadonna · 18/09/2017 01:33

A brother's stag do comes above redecorating a room in financial priorities for me

jacks11 · 18/09/2017 01:39

I'm pretty shocked at some of these responses- admittedly OP hasn't always come across wonderfully- but no need to be so harsh. Some of the comments about weight are quite simply deeply unpleasant and unnecessary.

t sounds like OP new clothes out of necessity not frivolity- and from later posts it sounds like from pretty standard places such as next and M&S, hardly designer or top end of the highstreet stores. I understand many women can fit back into pre-pregnancy clothes shortly after giving birth but some people don't. No point in saying "lose weight, you won't need clothes then "- she would still need some bigger clothes until whilst she was losing that weight.

I wouldn't stop DH from going on a stag do or taking part in any activity (without a very good reason)- but he would be paying for it out of his share of discretionary spending and it would be up to him to work out he was going to do that. If he couldn't, then we'd have to discuss spending non-discretionary funds- if we could afford it without causing difficulties, I would be fine with extra cash for his brothers stag party (though hate the current trend for piss ups abroad- which is what the vast majority of such events are, in essence). If it meant not being able to complete essential work on the house or something equally important, though, I'd be reluctant. It all depends on how finances are, I don't believe going to a stag do- even for his brother- should put essentials on hold.

I'd say the same if it were a man who had put on weight (for whatever reason) and had needed to buy new clothes and it was his wife who wanted to go on an expensive hen do with her sister.

SparklyMagpie · 18/09/2017 01:53

If I was him I'd go on the stag do and not come back.... Apart from attending my brother's wedding

Only1scoop · 18/09/2017 02:00

'I can't turn up in primani and expect to be taken seriously so it's a contribution to the family'

Love this

And WILL be using it myself

It's his Bro'

I'm presuming he earns also....

noeffingidea · 18/09/2017 02:01

Of course he has to go. It's a family comittment. You just have to work round these things sometimes. Just like having to buy a complete new wardrobe because you gained weight/changed shape after having a baby.
So yes YABU.

Ttbb · 18/09/2017 02:04

StickThatInYourPipe be real. A Tesco suit is really not at all professional, if she is in a high flying job then she would be expected to wear real suits, but then again if she were in a high flying job she wouldn't begrudge her husband a few hundred quid for a weekend away.

LuluJakey1 · 18/09/2017 02:22

Am I missing something OP? What does 'I'd like to die on a hill with a carpet ' mean?

NikiBabe · 18/09/2017 02:29

Who said I bought high end labels? I only buy high street. The moderate and very occasionally high end of the high street but in no way excessive and I will wear those clothes for the next few years.

I thought you were going to TTC no 2. What if you put on another dress size or 2 and/or your shape changes again. More new clothes for you , high end high street and your DH cant have anything?

These clothes may not last as long as you think.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2017 02:32

YANBU to be peeved, and I agree stag and hen dos that impose expense on friends and family are ridiculous. If it was anyone other than his brother I would say dig your heels in and fight.

YANBU one bit for buying clothes that fit you after having the baby, and Shock at the idea that someone could show up at any job wearing a Tesco suit. Your work wardrobe, shoes, accessories, hairdressing, makeup, perfume and nails are 100% an investment in your career. You wouldn't show up for an interview in your tracksuit, and you wouldn't go to work looking down at heel either, for the same reason - the impression you make is important, and some professions are more image or presentation-conscious than others. You are not going to look good in supermarket clothes if your body has changed shape after pregnancy. Big boobs and a muffin top need better tailoring.

I work with a lot of lawyers and the description of nice tapered trousers, a patterned blouse, cool flats, bright knits does not ring a bell at all. It's all Christian Louboutin shoes and Kiton suits around here, and the bigger the Patek Philippe watch you can flash under your French cuffs the better.

I think you and DH need to sit down and he needs to apologise to you for making the remark about the clothes you bought. That was a low and unfair blow, as are all the remarks here about your weight gain.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2017 02:35

NikiBabe, I am just astonished that anyone would begrudge a woman new work clothing in her childbearing years.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2017 02:36

This thread is just about the most horrible thing I have seen here in a long time.

Sad
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