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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to pay

195 replies

Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 13:48

Im sure many people will think i am but im hoping atleast a few will be on my side.

I am a SAHM to my DD 2. Before i went on mat leave me and OH had a conversation about whether i should go back to work or not and he said if i wanted to stay home he would be happy for me to do so and cover my expenses. He has a very good job and can easily afford to keep us all so i decided to stay home with our DD as my previous job earned a very good wage but required a lot of work time (24/7 on call, long hours, weekend working from home after a 5 day week)
My problem is my car insurance is due again soon and he doesnt really seem to want to pay for it. (Last years was a big arguement but i got it in the end) we have 2 cars so we do pay out a lot of insurance plus i had 2 accidents before i had my DD and im only 24 so my insurance is quite high. Cant put me on his because it was more than double my own insurance policy plus he drives to work so that would leave me with out a car during the day.
I do need a car in the day as DD has hospital appointments and some can be up to 45 mins drive away so i dread to think how long public transport would take but it also need it to take her out places and run errands.

AIBU to expect him to pay this?

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 22/08/2017 13:51

Of course he should pay. How else are you supposed to afford it if you have no income?

2014newme · 22/08/2017 13:52

All money should be joint and you should have equal access to it.
Did you discuss this previously? Are you married?

SonicBoomBoom · 22/08/2017 13:52

Please God tell me you're married, and not that you have given up your financial security and that the house is in his sole name...? 🙏

araiwa · 22/08/2017 13:53

What does he expect you do if he doesnt pay for it.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/08/2017 13:53

Yanbu.
Well you sort of are. 'He' shouldn't pay it, because it's not 'his' money. It's family money.
To be decided between you what it's spent on.

2014newme · 22/08/2017 13:54

Yes never become a sahm if you aren't married!

RibenaMonsoon · 22/08/2017 13:55

In your shoes i would suggest you do some part time work to cover your ins costs. You will have more independence and you will have some of your own money to cover costs that OH doesn't want to pay for.

A car sounds like something you need rather than want so it might be worth looking at different ways of going about it and seeing what the most cost effective way is. If you need it then you need it.

peachgreen · 22/08/2017 13:55

If you're a SAHM by mutual agreement then his money is your money and you decide what to spend it on together. YANBU at all.

Underparmummy · 22/08/2017 13:57

You need to start dusting down your CV. Alarm bells everywhere.

You need to majorly trust someone to give top your financial independence without being married to them. Not sure your OH merits this trust.

Floralnomad · 22/08/2017 13:58

Agree with other posters , never become financially dependent on someone that you are not married to and being a SAHM means you both get equal access to the household income .

2014newme · 22/08/2017 13:58

@peachgreen whilst that's the case morally, if they aren't married it's not the case legally

Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 13:59

We arnt married and yes literally everything is in his name. My other problem is if I get rid of my car i literally have nothing. Everything is in his name he owns everything in the house (i moved from living with my DM to living with him) i dont get any benefits so if i lose my car i cant even leave him (should i ever want to, we dont have any relationship problems but i always think of worst case scenario) so i dont want to lose the only thing that is mine

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 22/08/2017 14:00

Peoples true colours come out when you are financially dependent on them. Yes of course he should pay, I don't drive but even I know a car makes a huge difference to a sahm and the children, it's your freedom and makes life significantly easier for you. If you both can afford it why wouldn't he wasn't you to have a car? It's his child you are ferrying around and shopping for, taking to appointments play dates etc

TitaniasCloset · 22/08/2017 14:01

Want you not wasn't

Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 14:01

I do a little bit of part time work. 1 or 2 evenings a week but i save that money up to pay for our holiday every year

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 22/08/2017 14:01

He's a cheeky fucker expecting you to walk/bus it with a baby, his baby.

Tell him it's not negotiable, you need a car.

Hont1986 · 22/08/2017 14:04

Is your car expensive to insure?

If he's offered for you to be a SAHM then I think he should pay for a reasonable expense like car insurance.

But I also get the sense that this wouldn't be the overwhelming MN advice if this was a man posting about how his wife wouldn't pay for his insurance with two accidents under his belt.

SomeBerryJam · 22/08/2017 14:05

YANBU at all. He said he was happy to cover your expenses. Your car is one of your expenses.

Have you actually brought it up with him? And has he point blank said no?

Underparmummy · 22/08/2017 14:06

I think for now your car is more important than the holiday.

LagunaBubbles · 22/08/2017 14:06

we dont have any relationship problems

Well with all due respect I disagree. I cant imagine any relationship where a partner isnt prepared to pay for car insurance so their partner who is a SAHP to their child and has no income of their own because of this is particularly healthy!

SonicBoomBoom · 22/08/2017 14:07

We arnt married and yes literally everything is in his name.

You need to rethink your SAHMhood sharpish, or get married.

Although I suspect he'll be reluctant to get married now.

Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 14:07

Its not expensive to insure as a car. Its a tiny 1L that i struggle to get the car seat and DD in an out of. I paid for the car myself while i was pregnant and i cover the tax and any repairs myself. Its just the insurance i need him to pay for

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 14:09

Hes in the process of "thinking about it" which i hate. I cant pay for it because my work is casual and i have no money put away

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 14:09

Hes in the process of "thinking about it" which i hate. I cant pay for it because my work is casual and i have no money put away

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 22/08/2017 14:09

Yanbu

If you weren't a SAHM there would be considerable child care costs plus the inconvenience of having to take time off when nursery/childminder is closed or your child is ill.

It should all be family money because you are facilitating him earning it by being at home with DD. So of course he should pay.

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