Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to pay

195 replies

Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 13:48

Im sure many people will think i am but im hoping atleast a few will be on my side.

I am a SAHM to my DD 2. Before i went on mat leave me and OH had a conversation about whether i should go back to work or not and he said if i wanted to stay home he would be happy for me to do so and cover my expenses. He has a very good job and can easily afford to keep us all so i decided to stay home with our DD as my previous job earned a very good wage but required a lot of work time (24/7 on call, long hours, weekend working from home after a 5 day week)
My problem is my car insurance is due again soon and he doesnt really seem to want to pay for it. (Last years was a big arguement but i got it in the end) we have 2 cars so we do pay out a lot of insurance plus i had 2 accidents before i had my DD and im only 24 so my insurance is quite high. Cant put me on his because it was more than double my own insurance policy plus he drives to work so that would leave me with out a car during the day.
I do need a car in the day as DD has hospital appointments and some can be up to 45 mins drive away so i dread to think how long public transport would take but it also need it to take her out places and run errands.

AIBU to expect him to pay this?

OP posts:
Dustbunny1900 · 22/08/2017 20:01

What a great deal for him! Free full time babysitting for his child, where he gets to keep his financial independence, everything under his control and name, and seems to still think he only need to take care of his own bills..and leave you begging and feeling bad for asking the obvious - that he cover your bills when the decision was made that you weren't going to make your own money.
Here, have my second LTB. Flowers
Get back to some kind of work NOW op. You don't have the luxury anymore. This is a bad situation.

Ellisandra · 22/08/2017 20:29

Fuck a duck.
You were earning £4-5K a month and now you have to wait for therapy, which will no doubt be short and possibly not matched exactly to your needs, because you take what you're given on the NHS.

Go back to work part time. Use the money you earn to get good, extensive, immediate private therapy NOW.

And fuck him and his financial abuse.

MrsDoylesTeabags · 22/08/2017 20:31

Oh you poor thing, I think you're parents relationship has warped your view of what a partnership should be. I can understand as I grew up in a single parent family and when DH and I became parents and I was off work I struggled to see DHs salary as family money. Even though I now work full time DH earns a hell of a lot more than me, however he is very quick to recognise that he wouldn't have been able to progress so much in his career without my practical and moral support.
When you become a family you become a team, you both need to recognise that. You need a serious and honest conversation and you need to think seriously about your financial security and independence. I know most of your focus now is on your child but little children grow up quickly and you will not always be the centre of DDs life.
Please think about your future, MN is full of women 10/20 years down the line from you who are stuck in an impossible situation with no way to get out, don't be one of them Flowers

CatsAreAssholes · 22/08/2017 20:34

Hibatb

(He is being a tight bastard)

Berthatydfil · 22/08/2017 20:47

I hope you're getting child benefit. If you aren't claim it now and get it paid into your account.
Also I second what lots of other posters are saying you're being financially abused.
Your spending your money on gifts and presents for him and you sometimes don't have the money in your purse to go out for a coffee.
Go back out to work make sure he pays half the childminding costs and get a cleaner in (he pays half too)
Remind him if he quibbles that if you split he would need to pay around 25% of his salary in maintenance for his daughter.

jellycat · 22/08/2017 21:13

Claiming child benefit in your name is very important not just for the income now but also, as a pp mentioned, because you get National Insurance credits until your youngest child is 12, which will give you 'qualifying years' that contribute towards your entitlement to the state pension. This will be important for you because I assume you are not earning enough at the moment to be be above the NI threshold.

Aashna7 · 22/08/2017 21:15

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP. Having no money or independence erodes your confidence over time. Being with a baby all day can be overwhelming, especially if you have no outlet and this is manifesting itself in your anxiety and OCD. Tbh I would no doubt develop anxiety in your situation.
You sound lovely actually and have had a very positive response on here. I hope you can hear that. Sometimes when you're trapped on a situation it's hard to step outside and see it for what it is.
Tell your P that your lack of financial independence is leading to isolation and making you ill. Your DD will pick up on your anxiety and internalise it if this situation continues.
What do your mum and man think about all this?
You sound intelligent and more resilient than most. Your husband should want you to be healthy and happy. I hope he has it within him to change.

TeachesOfPeaches · 22/08/2017 21:36

You can't live like this OP. You're a young woman with your whole life ahead of you - you can live in this man's pocket.

WomblingThree · 22/08/2017 21:49

Actually OP, I totally get what you are saying about not wanting to "ask" for money for coffee or shoes or presents. I couldn't have done it and I would have absolutely hated it. Not because my DH is a financially abusive arse, but I feel that family money is for family stuff. Which is why kept my job! I honestly don't understand how any woman manages without her own money.

What I find odd though is that you have to ask him to insure "your" car. Things like that (to me) are bills, and paid from the household account. From this, I'm guessing that you don't even have a household account for utilities, internet, petrol, etc, otherwise one of you would have just insured the car when the renewal came.

I couldn't do completely joint finances the way many on here do, but even we have a joint account for bills.

InvisibleCities · 22/08/2017 22:38

I know a Mummy Martyr who didn't get her hair trimmed the whole two years she was on maternity leave, because it wouldn't have been "fair" to use "his" money on herself. He earned a decent wage...

plantsitter · 22/08/2017 22:42

'mummy martyr'? No need for that kind of contemptuous language about anyone. It's not funny to feel that you are not worth spending money on because you're not economically active. Or for any reason really.

Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 22:46

Ive had a good think about this today. I dont think I ever realised how vunerable this situation has made me and DD so thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. If he walked out tomorrow i would have nothing but the £3 i have in my account to feed our child and i can now see what an awful situation ive got myself into. This will be discussed asap and a solution will be non negotiable. To every one that think im a money grabbing privileged little girl, i will add that, this is for security for my daughter not myself. I never want to be in a position where i cannot properly care for her and if her dad is the man i hope he is he will understand this and if he doesnt then hes not the man for me.
Thank you guys so much for showing me how naive ive been in all this. Time to put my foot down and become an equal!
Wish me luck!

OP posts:
TDHManchester · 22/08/2017 22:47

I would say never relinquish your independence and rely on someone else. I'd go back to work. He can contribute to nursery care instead..

Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 22:51

Actually invisablecities i thoroughly avoid the subject of myself with almost everyone because its the last thing i ever want to talk about. I will avoid the subject at all costs. I dont think posting anonymously makes me a mummy martyr i just need a little bit of advice from people who have done all this before

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 22:51

Actually invisablecities i thoroughly avoid the subject of myself with almost everyone because its the last thing i ever want to talk about. I will avoid the subject at all costs. I dont think posting anonymously makes me a mummy martyr i just need a little bit of advice from people who have done all this before

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 22/08/2017 22:51

Good luck.

LittleR1e · 22/08/2017 22:59

Good luck

Neolara · 22/08/2017 23:11

Best of luck with your conversation.. And it might be worth reflecting on the fact that only about 2 out of the 150ish people who have posted on this thread have given any indication that they think you are "money-grabbing" (and frankly I'm a bit bewildered as to how anyone could have come to that conclusion given your circumstances). It's OK and normal to expect your partner to support you as well as your dd.

TitaniasCloset · 22/08/2017 23:13

As Neolara says, it's about 2% here that are criticising you. Ignore.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2017 23:33

Best of luck. And remember that you are not just looking after your little girl. You are teaching her how to be. Remember; when you make yourself small, and last in line, and unimportant, what you are telling her is that this is how she should be.

You are worth more than this. Because if you can feel you are important and worthy, she will too.

indigox · 22/08/2017 23:58

What was your previous job? Is there anyway you can do that part time/working from home?

Aashna7 · 23/08/2017 00:08

Good for you OP. I wish you all the best moving forward.

Original poster
Namechang31235 · 23/08/2017 00:37

I thought i should explain my savings situation as a lot of people have asked.
Im not stupid, earning that kind of money i had to put some away in savings. I did have £20k however that has now gone on multiple rent deposits, i bought everything for DD before she was born, my car, car repairs and i spent £10k on having my nanas house converted to be more accessible so she didnt have to go into a home which has alway been her biggest fear. Shes done a lot for us (took us in when we left my dad) and were very close and she cpuldnt afford to do it herself. I didnt really need the money at the time and she did so there you go. £20k goes surprisingly quickly

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 23/08/2017 00:43

I think you need to have a proper sit down chat with him.

How does he expect you to live with no income at all?

Is he happy being the sole breadwinner?

When you spoke about you being a SAHM did he realise this was permanent? Is he jealous of how much time you get with DD?

If you were on £4-5k then you could definitely cover childcare if you did go back to work.

eatabagofdicks · 23/08/2017 00:47

Do not marry him.

It is family money, not HIS money. You are raising your daughter and given up work, which allows him to work. She is also HIS responsibility. If you were working it would be 50% HIS responsibility to work out child care, pay towards child care, be available to pick her up and do drop offs, take time off if she was sick. You are not his free nanny and housekeeper. You should have equal access to ALL money.
My dh works and I am on leave. I have access to everything. If I need something I buy it (within reason obviously). If my bills need paid I pay them. He has never referred to family money as his.
Unless he is going to give you complete access, stop controlling you financially, and realise that you are an equal partner then I would LTB. No way would I marry someone like this.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.