To expect him to pay

[Namechang31235]

Im sure many people will think i am but im hoping atleast a few will be on my side.

I am a SAHM to my DD 2. Before i went on mat leave me and OH had a conversation about whether i should go back to work or not and he said if i wanted to stay home he would be happy for me to do so and cover my expenses. He has a very good job and can easily afford to keep us all so i decided to stay home with our DD as my previous job earned a very good wage but required a lot of work time (24/7 on call, long hours, weekend working from home after a 5 day week)
My problem is my car insurance is due again soon and he doesnt really seem to want to pay for it. (Last years was a big arguement but i got it in the end) we have 2 cars so we do pay out a lot of insurance plus i had 2 accidents before i had my DD and im only 24 so my insurance is quite high. Cant put me on his because it was more than double my own insurance policy plus he drives to work so that would leave me with out a car during the day.
I do need a car in the day as DD has hospital appointments and some can be up to 45 mins drive away so i dread to think how long public transport would take but it also need it to take her out places and run errands.

AIBU to expect him to pay this?

JamesBlonde
I think you're rather missing the point. It's not really about the car insurance is it? It's about the total power and control he has over finances and decisions, and the the complete lack of it for the OP.

She'd have more rights and power, if she was the au au pair!

Do you really think it's ok to treat a partner like that? Or that's a happy and fulfilling way to live together?

Gunny
The in work parent should pool their income with the stay at home parent. The sex of the person doing each role is irrelevant.

I am the higher earner and DH was a SAHD when the children were young.

Agree with all the people who've advised you to get back into work ASAP. You've had a few years off to raise a child and that won't put you at a big disadvantage. But the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. You need financial independence.

I think the DH is thinking (as I would if I was the sole breadwinner and my DH was a SAHF) that I would want to save money where I could. The OP isn't going without anything else is she, or have I missed that? But, I would not want to be in the OP's situation and would get myself right back to work, sharpish.

OP hasn't replied what her OH actually does with the rest of the money. Is he buying clothes, going out, spending on his hobbies?
OP has said that she doesn't get any of the family money for her own expenses.

But I also get the sense that this wouldn't be the overwhelming MN advice if this was a man posting about how his wife wouldn't pay for his insurance with two accidents under his belt.

My DH is a SAHD and he pays for his car insurance, and all his other expenses, out of the money that I earn. We're a unit, and my money is our money. I really don't understand how people get into a SAHP situation with the person at home having anything less than equal access to the money.

Is everyone on here honestly so well off that its unheard of for a family to have to cut back on their lifestyle to be able to afford to have one parent stay at home?? My own mum stayed at home and my dad took the car to work, and this was normal among my friends. OP, there are things called "buses", and lots of SAHP and even working people use them. And, yes, most hospitals do have a bus going there. You don't have a job, so it doesn't matter if it takes a bit longer. You surely can't expect not to make sacrifices to be able to give up your job?? Also, have you thought about the reasons shy your DH may not actually want you to drive?? If I had a husband who was a SAHD and was someone who has had two accidents in the last few years, hell would freeze over before they would be driving my kids. You don't sound very safe on the road tbh. You sounds incredibly spoilt and privileged.

is everyone on here honestly so well off that its unheard of for a family to have to cut back on their lifestyle to be able to afford to have one parent stay at home??

OP - He has a very good job and can easily afford to keep us all

harsh

Why does is it solely his decision what cutbacks are made if they are needed? Why is it not a joint decision?

"You sound incredibly spoilt and privileged"

And you Harsh, sound like a total loon!

Can he afford the car insurance

harsh i had 2 very minor accidents (bumping parked cars) in my early days of driving. I would never drive in an unsafe way with my daughter in the car. I sound very spoilt and privileged? Literally my only out goings are my car and my phone bill. I have no access to finances so i have no idea if we need to cut back or not but to me my car is an essential not a luxury.
Tbh ive never thought of it this way but i am seeing everyones point of view and will have a talk with him about our money situation

What happens when you need clothes or money for a social life OP? A car is a basic necessity in your situation.

You don't sound spoiled at all, in fact you sound remarkably self reliant. Don't listen to the Mumsnet vipers, sad about their own miserable lives and hiding behind a screen. Fuck that.

I am a SAHM. All of our income - i.e. DHs wages (and the odd small invoice from my very irregular freelancing) - go directly into our joint account. We document all our outgoings in a spreadsheet so we both know where we stand. There is no question of 'his' money - it's our money, for our family. We are both frugal by nature (albeit DH a bit more so) but we share what we have. That is why it works for me to be at home with DS. Also, we are married and everything is in our joint names.

This is what you need if this is going to work for you. You are so vulnerable right now!

We had to sit down and talk seriously to get to this point as we'd ended up in a situation where I had taken too many steps back from managing our finances and DH felt under too much pressure to control everything. But the point is that we were able to talk it through and improve things. You have got to be able to do that in a relationship.

I hope you can sort this out.

Op - please ignore the hard of thinking on here, naming no names. Please listen to what everyone is telling you about being in your current situation. You're in a vulnerable positiont - I hope you can rectify that ASAP.

OP - do you not have a card to withdraw money? What do you do if you get stuck somewhere? How do you buy food or what would happen if you were meeting a friend for coffee or something?

He sounds like a major dick. You may want to remind him that his earnings are not 'his' money. You are taking care of your child. If you need money he should give it to you.

His card is registered on our online shopping account and i do my weekly shop on there and if i need to go to the shops i ask in advance and he leaves his card for me.
Ive never met anyone for coffee but in the event i was invited it would completely depend on what i had in my purse. I dont really have much of a social life and if i did i would feel bad if OH was paying for it tbh. I havent asked him for money for things like that so i dont know how he would react

Are you very isolated, do you have friends or family?

I suppose i am very isolated i only have a few friends and most work full time and i have a very small family. I spend quite a lot of time with my mum and nana but thats about it. I dont make friends very easily and find other mums quite intimidating particularly when theu usually run in packs. I do try to go to groups and things with DD because i know its good for her but all i can see is danger which makes it difficult to talk to people because im always looking out for danger to DD. Currently awaiting therapy so i am trying to tackle this

You really need some good friends love. You have now posted here on a major online resource for mummies and people have responded to you well, so you clearly come across well. You will make friends over time but you will need money and hopefully a car to meet up with them. Maybe the mummy's you are meeting are not quite so scary once they are on their own.

Op, no. No no no.

If you were not staying at home, would your child cease to need care? No. You are still contributing to the functioning of your family by undertaking tasks that would otherwise be outsourced. And that's not me saying that, that's a direct quote from our financial advisor.

You are not doing him a favour. You have not become an indentured servant. You have the right to the odd coffee or a new top, provided that the family finances allow it.

This is so fucked up. So you have no access to family money. Family money, not his - you agreed on that. You're an adult and couldn't even buy a cup of coffee. He 'lends' you his card when you need food.

When my DH was SAHD, do you know how it worked? We had all joint accounts and he had full access to all the money I earned. He did not have to beg for me to pay the car insurance.

Does he have spare money at the end of the month? Savings? Does he spend money on himself?