To expect him to pay

[Namechang31235]

Im sure many people will think i am but im hoping atleast a few will be on my side.

I am a SAHM to my DD 2. Before i went on mat leave me and OH had a conversation about whether i should go back to work or not and he said if i wanted to stay home he would be happy for me to do so and cover my expenses. He has a very good job and can easily afford to keep us all so i decided to stay home with our DD as my previous job earned a very good wage but required a lot of work time (24/7 on call, long hours, weekend working from home after a 5 day week)
My problem is my car insurance is due again soon and he doesnt really seem to want to pay for it. (Last years was a big arguement but i got it in the end) we have 2 cars so we do pay out a lot of insurance plus i had 2 accidents before i had my DD and im only 24 so my insurance is quite high. Cant put me on his because it was more than double my own insurance policy plus he drives to work so that would leave me with out a car during the day.
I do need a car in the day as DD has hospital appointments and some can be up to 45 mins drive away so i dread to think how long public transport would take but it also need it to take her out places and run errands.

AIBU to expect him to pay this?

I don't get the 'never be a SAHM if you're not married' comments.
'Don't be in a relationship with a wanker' is surely a better philosophy.
If you think your partner has the potential to screw you over, why are you with them?

I'm a sahm and all money is family money. We have separate bank accounts for convenience but he transfers money without asking, and i have a credit card on his account which he pays in full every month. No other arrangement would make sense to us, every day costs like cafes and hobbies/presents are just things that need to be paid for and I don't have to justify them or have to ask for it. No car insurance costs as we live car-free in central London, but all my travel costs come out directly from DH's account and we don't quibble over it. OP's DP sounds deeply controlling and it doesn't bode well for the future. Many abusive men want to keep their partners stranded so they're even more dependent.

Christ almighty I have never said this in ten years in MN but please seriously reconsider marrying this man! At the very least go back to work immediately! I feel so bad for you 😕. You CAN regain control of your life x

At £4-5k a month you could afford any kind of childcare you like, even a live-in nanny. Even if you went back part time you could still easily afford childcare with plenty left over.

I don't think any decent man would need a 'talk' to realise what's so badly wrong with this situation, but try if you like. Just make damn sure that you mean it when you say this is not acceptable, and you won't accept it.

I think you need to ask him to give you an amount each month to cover your costs, that he doesn't need to question you about.

Say after bills you have £1000 left of his income, as him if you can have £300 of it transfered into your account, he has £300 and the £400 goes into a savings account, remind him that if he wants to look after the child then you could go out to work and he would be the one without an income and would be want to have to keep asking you for some cash too spend.
Tell him out of this you will keep your car on the road and all the other little things you want to do with DD, or can you change to a joint account so then both of you have access.

His money is your money, as you are a family. If he won't agree that this family money will not pay for your car insurance then hit him with a bill for 50% of your full-time time childcare (at your previous professional rates), plus a fee for wear and tear.

He is behaving like a controlling dick who hasn't really adjusted to the fact that he's part of a family, not a single guy with a single income.

Op yes speak to him, you're in a terrible position. Being a stay at home parent he should give you access to his money and he should not be arguing over the car, it shouldn't be a discussion. Having no access to money, three pounds in your account, no social life and nothing for yourself is awful. I'm beyond shocked anyone would say this is someone who is spoiled. What the hell planet do they live on?

Speak to him, for your daughter sake at least. Rhe longer this goes on the worse it will get, you will struggle to get back into work and your confidence will be eroded, and your child will suffer.

If he refuses access, your own card, a joint account and equal rights, then as said, I'm very sorry as I know uou don't want to, but you will need to return to work, he will have left you no option.

If he won't agree that this family money will not pay for your car insurance then hit him with a bill for 50% of your full-time time childcare (at your previous professional rates), plus a fee for wear and tear

This is ridiculous. He's not going to pay any bill so it's pointless. He will either laugh at you or tell you to fuck off. If he refuses take control of your life, go back to work, have your own income, sort child care, decide where you will live and your plan for the future.Don't do something pointless and dramatic like giving him a child care bill. It serves no purpose.

I just want to say that my friend had OCD that worsened when her children came along. The doctors said it was related to pregnancy. Her eldest is now 6 and she is only just seeking help in the form of tablets and therapy. It has affected her life and her children sadly. Please seek help as soon as possible, you will then be less vulnerable. Your previous job was so well paid, could you just do 2days a week? I can totally see why you wouldn't want to do full time but a day or two would give you some money to save.

i bought everything for DD before she was born

Didnt your partner - her Dad - want to do this to? Shes half his responsibility.

hi OP. I'm glad you have gotten some advice and will be talking with your partner. That's a great step forward, and I hope your partner has just been a bit thoughtless and will realize that he needs to treat you more fairly going forward.

However, you may find that it's not that easy. Do not give up if so. Working out these problems can take a long time but you can get there.

I would suggest also calling Womens' Aid, 0808 2000 247. Do this even if it feels a bit silly and you're not sure it's justified. Do it over and over again if you need to. They are there for you to talk to and to get a wider perspective on your situation.

I'm really glad you have your mum in your corner. Good for her for escaping an abusive relationship in the past. But don't forget that abuse isn't just carried out physically--someone can abuse their partner terribly without laying a finger on them. I can't say exactly what's going on in your relationship and don't want to second-guess, but don't be fooled into thinking that just because you're not getting hit, the relationship is healthy.

You sound like a lovely person and deserve healthy, loving relationships in your life. Sometimes that means having to leave an unhealthy relationship but in the long run it can change your life for the better and is a much better model for your daughter than the alternative.

Maybe post on the local Mumsnet board to see if you can find some local friends that way? I struggled with making other mum friends at first too, but eventually things improved.

Good luck OP.

To be honest I am a bit unsure as to why you need to even ask for the insurance money. I'm a SAHM and everything is joint.

I would discuss an expensive purchase (for example I want a veneer on my front tooth but it's going to cost £1,000) and wouldn't go around blowing money but at the same time I'd be quite outraged if I had to ask for money for obvious things.

Perhaps ask him how he expects you to get by without insurance? This would mean he could mention public transport and you could explain your reservations and the time cost as you said in your post.

I'm unsure why a joint account wasn't agreed - he offered for you not to work knowing you'd need financial help. Perhaps he didn't consider all the costs through?

I don't think you're being unreasonable - I would be outraged.

You are not spoilt! He should pay for the insurance as a given, and you should have money for coffee etc. You should NOT be saving for holidays except if the savings are after you have as mcuh cash to spend as he does.

You do have relationship problems. Big ones. He said he could take care of you but he lied if he has to think about whether you can run a car. For context, we didnt spend savings when I was home with a baby. We spent my husbands income, because we were a family and my taking care of our child was contributing to our family equally. I spent a lot of it . On baby things, on near daily coffee and cake and baby groups and baby cinema, on online shopping because I was stuck home with a baby and up all night, on fabulous toys, on clothes for going back to work, on holidays.

If he hasn't paid the insurance before it expires you should take his. Drop him at work if you must but getting dd to hospital appts is the most important thing.

Hope the talk goes well.

Wow - you've had some great advice and seem to be taking it on board.
Have that conversation sooner rather than later.
I hope he steps up.
The ONLY solution is that you have full access to ALL of this family money.
Start looking at getting back to work ASAP!

I bought everything we needed for DD and he covered all the bills to ensure we could cover everything when i stopped working so it was a sort of trial thing to make sure we could manage on just the 1 income.
In regards to the job, its very much and all or nothing kind of thing. Working part time could be an option but you dont get to that sort of salary without putting the work in. It didnt come easily at all so unless i was willing to put those hours in again id be no where near that money again

You don't sound money grabbing at all. A joint decision was made for you to stay at home to care for your daughter. In doing so you've left yourself with zero financial independence and no means to provide for your future.
Meanwhile your partner has his child and home cared for and can continue on as normal. He's providing you with food and very basic living costs. An au pair would get provided for better than you are. He's able to pay HIS mortgage and shore up his bank account. That's not normal or acceptable

You say you don't care once your daughter is cared for. Please please stop thinking like that. You matter too, you count, you have worth. Would you be happy to think of your daughter as an adult ending up in your position?
I was a sahm, I'm back working part time earning a pittance compared to dh. All money is ours. We both contribute to the family, one doing so more financially and the other practically. Both roles have their worth and both make life easier all around.

Don't feel you need to return to earning 4/5k, part time sounds like a good option

That was a lovely kind thing you did for your gran

He's able to pay HIS mortgage and shore up his bank account - note that, OP. You staying home enables him to pay his mortgage for his house. You won't have any rights to any savings or assets he is accumulating because you have given up your income to care for your joint daughter.

I just wanted to say that you don't sound money grabbing or privileged at all, you actually sound as though you are going without basics. New clothes and a coffee out aren't much to ask for. In fact you shouldn't even have to ask. The fact he is having to think about whether to pay for an essential like car insurance worries me. I have been a sahm for 10 years now but I wouldn't have been if my dh behaved like this. I really hope your chat gets through to him, but please don't be afraid to go home to your dm. If nothing changes now, things will only get worse. I hope all has gone well.

This is ridiculous. He's not going to pay any bill so it's pointless.

Bluntness of course it's ridiculous - that's the point. I think that both OP and her partner need a reality check as to who should pay for what. This was a dramatic way of illustrating that.

OP - how is it going?