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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to pay

195 replies

Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 13:48

Im sure many people will think i am but im hoping atleast a few will be on my side.

I am a SAHM to my DD 2. Before i went on mat leave me and OH had a conversation about whether i should go back to work or not and he said if i wanted to stay home he would be happy for me to do so and cover my expenses. He has a very good job and can easily afford to keep us all so i decided to stay home with our DD as my previous job earned a very good wage but required a lot of work time (24/7 on call, long hours, weekend working from home after a 5 day week)
My problem is my car insurance is due again soon and he doesnt really seem to want to pay for it. (Last years was a big arguement but i got it in the end) we have 2 cars so we do pay out a lot of insurance plus i had 2 accidents before i had my DD and im only 24 so my insurance is quite high. Cant put me on his because it was more than double my own insurance policy plus he drives to work so that would leave me with out a car during the day.
I do need a car in the day as DD has hospital appointments and some can be up to 45 mins drive away so i dread to think how long public transport would take but it also need it to take her out places and run errands.

AIBU to expect him to pay this?

OP posts:
gabsdot · 22/08/2017 16:44

Start charging him child minding fees. After all you are his child's minder.

Tryittheotherway · 22/08/2017 16:45

If he refuses Op I would seriously consider going back to your mums, and maybe lending the money of her to pay for your car if that's possible, I wouldn't take your off the road!

Neutrogena · 22/08/2017 16:50

Don;t get married. He's obliged to support your kid if you split up, regardless of marriage.
Only marry him if you want to spend the rest of your life with him, including when the children leave home

Aashna7 · 22/08/2017 16:53

When he gets in tonight, tell him in no uncertain terms that you cannot go on living like this. If you break down and cry in front of him, how do you think he will react? Tell him you have given up everything to raise his child. You feel anxious and insecure and you don't even know who you are anymore.

Tell him that most women in your position have equal access to all finances - no ifs or buts. Either he is willing to support his family or he isn't.

Do not let him get away with giving you some kind of pathetic "allowance" or any of that kind of bollocks. This is just another form of control.

It is possible that he is so far up his own arse that he hasn't even stopped to think that you have needs as a human being. Otherwise he is a cruel and calculating bastard. His reaction should tell you all you need to know.

RachelP247 · 22/08/2017 16:54

Hell yes he should pay!! Do you take your daughter out in it? Did he agree to pay your expenses whilst you became a SAHM?!! I am literally about to finish work in 4 weeks time, mine and my hubby's baby will then be born 8 weeks later - fucker wanted me to work right up to due date.... I think not sunshine!! Not when I have handed over every single last penny of my savings to HIS EX for medical bills (long story, aren't I generous) but now NO! His turn to pay for ME and OUR baby (whilst I put my feet up for the last 8 weeks!)

What your other half earns is "family" or "household" money. If you need a car which sounds like you do then this comes out of household bills money. HE is being unreasonable, not you. xx

WorkingBling · 22/08/2017 16:54

DH is a SAHD. We have two cars as I use one to get to and from work and to do chores etc during the day. When one car breaks down, HE gets whichever car is working and I make alternative plans for work and chores. Why? Because with the kids it is much harder for him to get around on public transport/ walking than it is for me. It scares me that your DP doesn't see this.

You say you buy clothes etc with holiday and birthday money. What about DP? Does he go out and spend, or see friends, or participate in hobbies whenever he wants to because he has money?

Honestly, as all the PP have said. This is ridiculous. By looking after your DD you are losing your wage and saving the family a great deal of money in childcare costs. Any working partner who doesn't understand that should get a sharp knee in the groin. You should be sharing finances and disposable income should be shared so that you both have money for other things. Household expenses (including car insurance on both cars) should just be a given.

Please, you need to talk to him again. Explain that this isn't working. Tell him that if this approach of his money and your money is to continue, you'll have to go back to work. You'll of course contribute to the bills, but he will also have increased costs as he'll have to contribute to DD's care costs.

I am willing to give both of you the benefit of the doubt. I've realised that a lot of people (both men and women) find themselves in this situation because they just don't think. But you need to think about it and realise it's not fair and then you need to get him to think about it and realise the same. And if he's the good guy you claim he is, he'll figure it out pretty quickly.

Ledbury · 22/08/2017 16:55

why isn't it his money? He is the one working?

Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 16:56

To answer most peoples question DD was a surprise. Wed been engaged for 6 months and were planning the wedding when i found out i was pregnant (contraception fuck up) so everything went on hold and it just hasnt been a priority tbh.

I use my wages to buy him what i can for birthday/christmas/fathers day etc. Dont like to ask him for money for presents for him.

I didnt think my situation was that bad tbh but it seems i was wrong

OP posts:
Ropsleybunny · 22/08/2017 17:00

we dont have any relationship problems

Actually you do. What kind of a relationship is where there is no equality?

dataandspot · 22/08/2017 17:00

I've been in your shoes. I know how devastating the thought of leaving your child is but if you don't do it your life will be so difficult in the future.

He is showing and telling you he won't look after you. What if he disagrees about what your child needs in the future?

You have to go back to work.

abilockhart · 22/08/2017 17:00

I'm sorry, OP, but you need to realise that you are in a very vulnerable situation. You cannot just ignore the problem as you have a child to protect.

Aashna7 · 22/08/2017 17:01

Don't feed Ledbury.

OP I'm sorry and I can imagine this must be a shock for you, but you really can't go on like this.
I'm hoping he will grow up and see the light.

StormTreader · 22/08/2017 17:01

"I do a little bit of part time work. 1 or 2 evenings a week but i save that money up to pay for our holiday every year"

Stop spending this on the holiday, start saving it - if your husband wont share his income then you need to keep your own as well.

"previously i was on between £4-5k a month with commission. "

Bearing that in mind and that it took you doing a lot of overtime to get that, how much could you earn if you did more reasonable hours/worked from home, is that enough to live on? Your choices may not be "5k but 16 hour days" and "hardly anything at my part-time job", is there any way of hitting a middle ground between these two?

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 22/08/2017 17:02

But you don't have any wages now because you're not working. If you have been saving for holidays, surely the car insurance should be a priority.

If you're saying that you literally have no money at all, how do food bills get paid? Does he do the food shopping? How do you take DD out, buy fuel for the car?

Ledbury · 22/08/2017 17:03

If you were previously earning £80k a year and living at home I would expect that you had some savings to pay for things like car insurance? I never understand why people give up their income and then are confused when they have no money?

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2017 17:04

Jesus op. Take a step back. You're in an awful predicament. Think about this, you haven't asked for a Gucci hand bag, it's car insurance. You need it for you and your child and he's thinking of refusing it. Is that covering all your expenses?

Sit him down and talk finances. Tonight. You need a joint account with equal access. If he says no, then I'm sorry you need to go back to work. For your sake but primarily for your daughters. You need to provide her with financial security and this man is not just not doing it, he's actually considering making your life as hard as he can.

Teapot13 · 22/08/2017 17:07

Bill him for half of the cost of childcare every day, which you are currently providing for free.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/08/2017 17:08

Too right you're wrong. Abuse comes in many forms. Just because it isn't as bad as it was for your mum, it doesn't mean you aren't being abused. I cannot believe he expects you to live on thin air. What a prick. It sounds as if what's his is his and what's yours is his as well. It isn't too late to start building yourself a better future for you and your dd.

GunnyHighway · 22/08/2017 17:08

All money should be joint and you should have equal access to it.

when the man earns more than the woman. If the woman earns more then he's a cocklodger. So goes mumsnet logic anyway.

JamesBlonde1 · 22/08/2017 17:09

I think it depends where you live.

If you live in the middle of nowhere then I would want a car. If I loved in a town and could walk most places then I would do without.

On the days your DD has medical appointments, you could take him to work in the car and collect him again at the end of the day. A good compromise. Think of the savings and the holiday you could have with it!

WorkingBling · 22/08/2017 17:15

Bullshit Gunny. I have always earned more than DH. And money has always been shared (or at least, since we had kids. Slightly different pre-kids).

Viviennemary · 22/08/2017 17:20

If he agreed you should be A Sahm then he should pay the insurance as it's an expense unless you have a good amount of savings of your own which I now see you haven't. He has gone back on his agreement. But on the other hand I don't really agree with one person being completely and solely financially responsible for all household expenses. I'd absolutely hate this if I was in this position. It must be very stressful for many people.

TheOnlyPink · 22/08/2017 17:21

Darling, please listen to the replies you've had. This is not normal, or fair. He is financially abusing you.
To give you some perspective, I'm a sahm, have been for a long time. My husband has never once questioned what I've spent money on. He trusts that I buy what is necessary and any fun stuff is within our budget. The money he earns is family money.

I could not imagine having to depend on other people giving me gifts to get necessary things like a new bra or socks. Not having money in my pocket to buy my kids an ice cream, not being able to meet someone for coffee. By not allowing you money to do that, he is controlling you. He is deciding how you spend your time, how you look and where you go.

With no access to money, so you have a social life?

Please listen. This isn't ok.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 22/08/2017 17:21

Find copies of his pay slips or bank statements so that you have proof of how much he earns. Leave his tight arse and go back to stay with your mum while you sort out your options.

He will have to pay for his share of childcare costs on 'his days', he will have to look after your dd for some time during the week to maintain any kind of relationship with her and to give you a break, and he will have to pay some child maintenance to you if you are the main carer for your child. This is the best way for you to get both money and practical support from a dad like this, who assumes that you will be his house slave existing in thin air and promises.

You can then go back to work and earn good money for yourself and DD - if your mum is ok to help out with on call days that would be great, but once you're earning well you can afford a nanny or au pair.

You can do this. Please don't accept this level of control from anyone, especially not from the person who is supposed to support you and care for you Flowers

robinia · 22/08/2017 17:24

@Gunny
*
when the man earns more than the woman. If the woman earns more then he's a cocklodger. So goes mumsnet logic anyway.*

He's a cocklodger if he does nothing.
OP does all the childcare so there is no comparison.

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