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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to pay

195 replies

Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 13:48

Im sure many people will think i am but im hoping atleast a few will be on my side.

I am a SAHM to my DD 2. Before i went on mat leave me and OH had a conversation about whether i should go back to work or not and he said if i wanted to stay home he would be happy for me to do so and cover my expenses. He has a very good job and can easily afford to keep us all so i decided to stay home with our DD as my previous job earned a very good wage but required a lot of work time (24/7 on call, long hours, weekend working from home after a 5 day week)
My problem is my car insurance is due again soon and he doesnt really seem to want to pay for it. (Last years was a big arguement but i got it in the end) we have 2 cars so we do pay out a lot of insurance plus i had 2 accidents before i had my DD and im only 24 so my insurance is quite high. Cant put me on his because it was more than double my own insurance policy plus he drives to work so that would leave me with out a car during the day.
I do need a car in the day as DD has hospital appointments and some can be up to 45 mins drive away so i dread to think how long public transport would take but it also need it to take her out places and run errands.

AIBU to expect him to pay this?

OP posts:
RhubardGin · 22/08/2017 15:42

OP you really need to take a minute, sit back and asses your life.

You have no job. You don't have a home to call your own. You don't own a car. You have no savings or cash that is yours alone. You are relying on your OH completely for financial support for you and your DD. And to be brutally honest, if your OH leaves you, you are completely fucked as nothing is in your name.

With so much information out there nowadays I'm always shocked to read posts like these where woman have left themselves completely vulnerable.

Can I ask why you're not married OP because this is a situation I would be bringing up with your OH ASAP.

Hotdognoketchup · 22/08/2017 15:45

I agree that leaving him doesn't sound like a bad option but marrying him would him OP the protection that she clearly doesn't have at the moment, Either way some work sounds very sensible. The very worst thing to do would be to stay in the situation that she is in now, no rights, no protection, no job and a partner who isn't prepared to support her.

Merida83 · 22/08/2017 15:47

this shouldn't even be a conversation!
it should be a "oh btw DP car insurance due on x date its x amount" his reply "OK i'll sort it!"

you are a SAHM to both of your child. it was a joint decision for you to give up work to stay at home and care for your DD. so his is the sole income but it should all be joint money in a joint account as your contribution is your full time caring for DD! and there is no way in hell you should have to give up car, its about a thousand times harder in day to day living life with a little one without a car (and thats not taking in to account that you need to get to hospital appointment!)

so in short no YANBU!!!

thekillers · 22/08/2017 15:47

get marries or get a full time job- probably both

Gilly12345 · 22/08/2017 15:51

I think you need to rethink your SAHM position and perhaps return to work as you two are not married and he seems to be in control of the finances and you do not have a leg to stand on, the car insurance is the first of many issues and a woman needs to earn her own money with men like this around.

RhubardGin · 22/08/2017 15:52

OP, this is besides the point but surely your OH would agree that it would be cheaper to just update the car insurance rather than you forking our money everyday on public transport for you and DD?

RhubardGin · 22/08/2017 15:53

forking out money*

2014newme · 22/08/2017 15:59

Why do women have kids in these circumstances

C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2017 16:04

Go back to work and get a nanny. Look more closely at your relationship.

You both agreed that youd be a sahm and he would finance that. He isnt. And he is making you beg for your car insurance to be paid. If you dont have access to spend money on yourself when there is plenty, he is being financially abusive. Becaus the abuse is different to your mum's it doesnt mean it isnt abuse.

Btw why did you choose to have a baby rather than get married? What are his views on marrying you?

TonicAndTonic · 22/08/2017 16:05

You've had a lot of advice already re the financial balance of your relationship in general so i'm not going to weigh in on that.

On a short term and practical level, can you add your OH to your car insurance as a named driver? My OH has been driving a lot longer than I have, and having him as a named driver on my policy brought the cost down quite a bit.

innagazing · 22/08/2017 16:06

He treats the only family income as his alone. You have no money of your own, only what you need to spend on DD. When there's a family expense that needs to be paid, he makes you wait and beg - he's thinking about if he will allow this or not. Yes, that sounds like financial abuse to me.

This.

Plus, this makes you an unpaid nanny for his child, not an equal partner in an adult relationship.

Get help with your OCD. Have some counselling to help you take some constructive control, power and responsibility for yourself. Live life to the full, either with him or separately.

Queenioqueenio · 22/08/2017 16:09

Get married or go back to work. Immediately
This - you are very very vulnerable. You need to start protecting yourself by getting married AND working.

KimmySchmidt1 · 22/08/2017 16:14

"We arnt married and yes literally everything is in his name. My other problem is if I get rid of my car i literally have nothing."

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY??????

Will women never learn to be level headed and sensible about financial security? Why the heck aren't you married??? Is it because he hasn't asked by any chance? Because he doesnt want to share his house or money maybe???

Softkitty2 · 22/08/2017 16:14

You need to protect yourself ASAP.
Haven't you read enough of mumsnet to know that you have left yourself very vulnerable.
Being a SAHP only works if finances are shared and assets joint on every level. You have neither.

KimmySchmidt1 · 22/08/2017 16:17

married people have better rights under law. if you have no rights under law, you are fvcked if the man with all the power and all the assets and all the money leaves you.

So you need to either get married, or draw up a contract under which the assets are shared fairly in the event of separation.

And you need to either get an allowance from him or go back to work, with him paying the majority of childcare costs.

Ask yourself if you would have negotiated this deal in your business when you worked? My god I cannot believe how naive you have been.

Chocolatecake12 · 22/08/2017 16:18

With regard to the car insurance, get him to start paying it monthly and then it will just roll over each year unless you change insurers.
It might be an argument for now but will save having one this time next year.
And I think a good discussion about future finances would be beneficial.

Hont1986 · 22/08/2017 16:24

married people have better rights under law.

even if she got married today she can't force him to pay for her car insurance. most of those rights come into play during separation/divorce and given OP would have a short marriage, very few joint assets, and a proven ability to bring in a high wage, there wouldn't be much that a divorce would help her with. Stop advising her to get married, it isn't helpful.

Allthebestnamesareused · 22/08/2017 16:26

Well the money you earn that you save to pay your holiday - I hope he is paying for his holiday!!!

Use that money for car insurance.

Try to find a job and childcare that works and run, run, run!!!

ChickenBhuna · 22/08/2017 16:27

My fear , op , is that you will disregard the advice given here and that you'll be back here in two/three/four years time with another dc , no means of transport and even more worn down than you are now.

I'm scared for you.

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 22/08/2017 16:30

So what do you do for cash day to day then? Do you have access to his bank account?

If you were to work the nursery fees would cost hundreds, have you discussed that with him?

Figgygal · 22/08/2017 16:31

You have given him all the power you say you don't have anything you don't buy anything you just make sure your dd gets everything she needs. What about you? Do you have a separate life from him and dd?

Surely you can find a different job if a return to your one in that environment is a no go

nutbrownhare15 · 22/08/2017 16:34

Yes, he should pay, and without question. I think you need an open and honest discussion about how if you say with your daughter, he needs to see all money as your family money and for you to get a say in how it's spent. You are providing him with free childcare for his child plus presumably doing housework for him too. I can understand you not wanting to go back to work but this does leave you very vulnerable. If he doesn't come round to your way of thinking pronto then he won't change and tbh I would go and live at your mum's and find a job that you can do pt. You'd get maintenance too.

BenLui · 22/08/2017 16:34

Hont don't you think her long term issues are more complicated than the car insurance?

I'm not going to tell her to leave him, because I don't think she will. In which case there are only two ways to protect herself in the future: work full time and build her own finances or get married. Probably both.

People are trying to help the OP see that this particular issue is the tip of the iceberg.

She needs to sit down and discuss all this with her DP, being an unmarried SAHM is a dreadfully vulnerable position.

Aashna7 · 22/08/2017 16:35

What a bastard Angry. I don't use that word lightly.
So he's "thinking about" your car insurance is he?
Your car is your freedom - never is it more important than when you are at home with a baby. You need to get out and about for your sanity.
I don't know this man, but if he's like this now, I shudder to think what he'll be like in another 10 years.
He's watching you lose all your self-esteem before his very eyes. Bastard.
OP, I have been a SAHM for 10 years. Everything DH earns is OUR money in a joint account. I have never had to ask him for anything.
I know you can lose yourself a bit after a baby, but you are entitled to clothes and make up etc. Shocking that you have been reduced to the mindset of having to buy these things out if birthday money Shock.
Plus you have developed OCD - I wonder why?
He should be doing all he can to build your confidence as the mother to his child.
You are only 24 and had a good career by the sound of it. Now you are questioning whether you're entitled to clothes and your car!
My god I can't stand men like this. What a bastard. Just tell him to his face.
I'm so sorry.

Tryittheotherway · 22/08/2017 16:42

I've been in this situation OP, he has to pay your car insurance. Text him back saying "Are you serious, are you joking?" Of course he has to pay it! I know it's such an awkward place to be in, I thought the same with my dp it's his money, and you really do see people's true colours when they have power over you. I'd be looking to up my ours or get a little job if I were you, it's such a shit situation to be in with someone like that, everything got brought for my dd too, but I was left still wearing my mums old maternity clothes 2 years later as I had no money to buy anything!

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