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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to pay

195 replies

Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 13:48

Im sure many people will think i am but im hoping atleast a few will be on my side.

I am a SAHM to my DD 2. Before i went on mat leave me and OH had a conversation about whether i should go back to work or not and he said if i wanted to stay home he would be happy for me to do so and cover my expenses. He has a very good job and can easily afford to keep us all so i decided to stay home with our DD as my previous job earned a very good wage but required a lot of work time (24/7 on call, long hours, weekend working from home after a 5 day week)
My problem is my car insurance is due again soon and he doesnt really seem to want to pay for it. (Last years was a big arguement but i got it in the end) we have 2 cars so we do pay out a lot of insurance plus i had 2 accidents before i had my DD and im only 24 so my insurance is quite high. Cant put me on his because it was more than double my own insurance policy plus he drives to work so that would leave me with out a car during the day.
I do need a car in the day as DD has hospital appointments and some can be up to 45 mins drive away so i dread to think how long public transport would take but it also need it to take her out places and run errands.

AIBU to expect him to pay this?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/08/2017 14:54

What about your own expenses? Clothes and whatnot?

Please tell is you're getting child benefit for your stamp at the very least?

Anatidae · 22/08/2017 14:55

If I was in your shoes, d-not-h would be getting a talking to about responsibility and financial control.

If after that he isn't changing I'd be out the door. You can get your old job back.

Please do NOT think that as long as he looks after dd it's fine. Dd WILL suffer from such an unhealthy dynamic.

Children are resilient but the absolute worst thing they can grow up with after physical abuse is a house full of strife and tension.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/08/2017 14:56

Apart from my car insurance i dont like asking for anything from him as i dont feel its his responsibility.

You both need to completely redress your relationship. You are staying home to look after HIS (and your) child. That is a choice that you both made for your family. Which means that either you are an employee (and he can pay you for childcare, cooking, cleaning, taxiing and anything else you do) or you are equal partners, in which case you have full access to money.

In fact, he sounds controlling and I would get back to work and form an exit strategy but you don't seem to be at that stage yet. I think your childhood possibly left you with very low standards WRT men and their behaviour.

How old is he, BTW?

Hillingdon · 22/08/2017 14:57

OP - can you hear yourself. £4-£5k per month! That is a huge sum at 24. Stop making excuses. You come across as one of life's victims and you seemingly do have choices but you don't want to exercise your right to choose. A number of women literally don't have anywhere to go. Your Mum's is an option.

Is this a cultural thing I wonder? Are you in the UK?

PoorYorick · 22/08/2017 14:58

Normally I'd say marry him or go back to work, but actually I think you should go back to work and consider leaving him. Because while you should never become a SAHM unless you're married, you also shouldn't marry a man who is financially controlling....and pulling tricks with the car insurance also limits your freedom to travel. Plus he doesn't seem to care that you couldn't get your child to hospital? This is sinister.

Deemail · 22/08/2017 14:59

It sounds like you had a good job with prospects. Be independent of this man he is not treating you as a partner or valuing your Sahm role
Paying childcare should come from both wages not just yours.

PoorYorick · 22/08/2017 15:00

Ive always thought of it as his money that goes into his account (100% my words not his)

He would be delighted to hear you use those words.

LagunaBubbles · 22/08/2017 15:01

Apart from my car insurance i dont like asking for anything from him as i dont feel its his responsibility. As long as he takes care of DD ill manage

Hes done a number on you without a shadow of a doubt.

RebornSlippy · 22/08/2017 15:01

Well then, OP, tackle the OCD or whatever else you have going on first. Your back up plan, to leave one carer for another (your mother), where you'll be 'looked after' is not the way. You're a young woman. More importantly you're a mother. Time to woman up. Do what you need to do to stand on your own two feet. If that self helps comes now or while with your mother doesn't matter. Just do it. Become independant again. You know you have it in you.

Back to the marriage thing, it makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. Rights? Rights to what exactly? Protection? Don't make me laugh. She'll still be in the same situation except you're all planning for an inevitable divorce when you speak about marrying him. Why not just cut out the shit storm in between and leave now if you're protecting yourself against an inevitable seperation? Madness.

Trustmeimadoggroomer17 · 22/08/2017 15:02

If he is the one who said give up work and he would be happy to support to financialy then he should100% pay!

Lostmymarbles1985 · 22/08/2017 15:02

I am about to become a SAHM,this is my last week in work. We have 4 DC and due to changes in my husband's work pattern it is now impossible for me to continue working. Fine by me it is what I have always wanted. However when it comes to the money, I have always dealt with everything and will continue to do so. My DH transfers his wages to my account and I transfer money back to him as required. (He is terrible with money and cannot budget at all) I was very nervous about giving up my job to become financially dependant on him and we have had many a discussion about how it will work and how he must view my contribution as equal to his even though it isn't financial. We have always pooled all of our money and it's always been the household money. Your DP needs to realise you are equal and just because you are at home does not mean your contribution is any less. It should be a given that your insurance will be paid!

Anatidae · 22/08/2017 15:04

Agree on the marriage (my point was not to be an unmarried sahm in the first place.)

You're earning a great wage. You can stand on your own two feet without this loser.

Back to work, mum is a backup if you need her. NO ONE likes leaving their kids for childcare - but we do it.

You have a huge advantage in being able to earn such a good wage. Use it.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 22/08/2017 15:07

It sounds to me like you need to get back to work as soon as possible. You don't need to afford childcare straight away, it is a joint cost which should be covered from your joint income.

Floralnomad · 22/08/2017 15:08

Why would you need to afford childcare , this child is equally his and he needs to cough up for childcare . I think you are bonkers to have got yourself into this situation .

KatharinaRosalie · 22/08/2017 15:11

OP listen to yourself now. He said that he will cover your expenses if you wanted to stay home to look after your joint child. And in the next post you elaborate that he does not in fact do anything of the sort.

Get counselling to deal with any anxiety issues. Go back to work. You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation, and your partner does not sound like a nice, caring and fair man.

MrsMeeseeks · 22/08/2017 15:12

This is financial abuse, my love. It is NOT OK.

Sn0tnose · 22/08/2017 15:16

Bloody hell OP, you've placed an awful lot of trust in this man. You've left yourself without a paddle.

I think that if you married this man you would be absolutely insane. You aren't asking him for a monthly gambling and gin allowance. You're asking him to pay for a legitimate household expense. Ask him how much he thinks he'd have to spend on childcare if you're forced to go back to work to cover your expenses. Oh, and if you're using your wages to pay for a family expense (holidays) then you aren't a sahm, you're a part time worker.

In an ideal world, my advice would be to point out to him the financial disparity between you and if he didn't immediately rectify the situation by putting your name on everything and giving you equal access to funds, then either find your own accommodation with the DC and/or go back to work. What happens when you want something for yourself? Or you want to buy birthday/Christmas presents for your friends and family. Do you and he exchange gifts? How will you pay for that? What about going out for a coffee with friends? Will he believe that he has the right to decide whether a latte is a reasonable way to spend 'his' money?

In real life, you need to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. First thing first, doctor's appointment to help you cope with your OCD. Then start looking at employment to protect yourself.

Original poster
Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 15:17

He is 29.
If i really did need to i would but i really dont think that going back to my old job would be best for DD. I used to get into the office at 8am and sometimes wouldnt leave until 9pm and worked from home pretty much constantly to earn that wage, it didnt come easily, and i really dont think that would be fair on DD. I do think i have a difficult seeing whats right and wrong in relationships but i wouldnt say i was being abused. My mum was abused very badly so i know what it looks like but maybe i just cant see it i dont know.
I dont buy clothes for myself really. I get them with birthday or Christmas money but only if i really have to. I have very little interest in myself. Id rather spend it on DD

OP posts:
Gazelda · 22/08/2017 15:19

How do you pay for groceries? For gifts from you to him? For Sanpro? For your haircuts? For a new cd you fancy for yourself? Do you have to ask him for money for these things? Does he see you as his equal in the relationship?

Hey your confidence back, tackle your OCD, work on your portfolio and tell him you're returning to work as he has made your existence as a SAHP unworkable. He needs to decide how he's going to juggle his share of the hospital appts, childcare drop offs etc.

SilverySurfer · 22/08/2017 15:19

You not being married makes a HUGE difference. Right now you are in a precarious position. If he so chose, he could turf you out of his house and you would be eligible for NOTHING. If you were married, you could claim 50% of money/assets.

He sounds awful when he earns so much and has to think about paying for your car insurance. I definitely would not suggest you marry him; if I were you would be looking for a job urgently and once you get it he will have to do his share of house and childcare.

Please take care.

TitaniasCloset · 22/08/2017 15:19

Ok I suffer from mental health issues myself and have a very good friend who has exactly the same mental health issues as you do and they became worse once she gave up work to be a sahm.

She gave up a really good career to look after the children. At one point she and her partner broke up and in the year away from him she got a little badly paid part time job to help herself out. And my goodness, her anxiety decrease and she became her old self again going out , dating and having fun. Then they got back together and she has lost her confidence once more and puts up with a lot. She also refused any medical treatment or counselling for her issues but was doing much better on the anti depressants.

My own sister after being made redundant lost all her confidence and experienced financial control too, she is just back to work and doing better now.

My point is, staying at home and hoping you will get over the terrible anxiety at some point is not always a good strategy. I'm not saying you must go find a job now, I'm at home myself because of my issues. But I have accessed therapy and I do take medication which helps a great deal. Only you know how unwell you are. Maybe going back to work this year won't happen, but my gosh it's so easy to lose confidence in yourself, so try to bare that in mind.

In the meantime you need to have a discussion about your financial issues with your child's father. Write it down first so you are clear in your head what to say.

I wish you the best,Flowers

plantsitter · 22/08/2017 15:20

Well, yes, if you're earning well enough to go back to work do that rather than get married.

You might find that once you have more control over your own life and finances your OCD is much easier to get on top of. Is it your subconscious screaming 'take control!!!'?

TitaniasCloset · 22/08/2017 15:22

Two questions, would an au pair work? Or better still a nanny?

Also, do you see your friends?

Hillingdon · 22/08/2017 15:26

It wasn't so long ago that the head of the Household (the man) filled in the family tax return. My father never told my DM how much he earned. He needed to know her salary as he was filling in the form.

Its laughable these days but it wasn't that long ago.

Woman up otherwise you will be one of 'those' women moaning, making excuses and complaining about your lot in life but doing fuxk all about it.

You absolutely at 24 have it in you. Stop making excuses

KatharinaRosalie · 22/08/2017 15:33

He treats the only family income as his alone. You have no money of your own, only what you need to spend on DD. When there's a family expense that needs to be paid, he makes you wait and beg - he's thinking about if he will allow this or not. Yes, that sounds like financial abuse to me.

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