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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect him to pay

195 replies

Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 13:48

Im sure many people will think i am but im hoping atleast a few will be on my side.

I am a SAHM to my DD 2. Before i went on mat leave me and OH had a conversation about whether i should go back to work or not and he said if i wanted to stay home he would be happy for me to do so and cover my expenses. He has a very good job and can easily afford to keep us all so i decided to stay home with our DD as my previous job earned a very good wage but required a lot of work time (24/7 on call, long hours, weekend working from home after a 5 day week)
My problem is my car insurance is due again soon and he doesnt really seem to want to pay for it. (Last years was a big arguement but i got it in the end) we have 2 cars so we do pay out a lot of insurance plus i had 2 accidents before i had my DD and im only 24 so my insurance is quite high. Cant put me on his because it was more than double my own insurance policy plus he drives to work so that would leave me with out a car during the day.
I do need a car in the day as DD has hospital appointments and some can be up to 45 mins drive away so i dread to think how long public transport would take but it also need it to take her out places and run errands.

AIBU to expect him to pay this?

OP posts:

BenLui · 22/08/2017 14:10

Get married or go back to work. Immediately.

I'm sorry to be harsh but you are in an really vulnerable situation, he could make you and your daughter homeless and destitute tomorrow and there would be nothing you could do.

Use the holiday money to pay for your insurance and tell him that's what you are doing, then start looking for a job and explain that he'll have to take time off work for half your DD's medical appointments and will have to do his share of nursery pick ups/drop offs.

InDubiousBattle · 22/08/2017 14:11

What would happen if you said that you wanted to be married and join your finances?

Anatidae · 22/08/2017 14:13

Look, there's a lot you can disagree with about marriage from a feminist point of view.

BUT.

If you're an unmarried sahm you're vulnerable. Very very vulnerable.

This will only end one of a few ways:

You will lose your car. Then you're even more dependent on him. He will gradually begrudge you more and more expenses until you're really controlled. Read some of the financial control threads on here. They are terrifying.

You tell him in no uncertain terms that it's a family car and family expenses and it's non negotiable. He agrees, marries you and agrees that's all assets are joint.

You need to put your foot down or you will look back in ten years and see this as the start of a long descent into misery and control. This will be the point you look back on and think 'fuck me, I should have got out then.'

Being a sahm is fine.
Being a sahm for a man who refuses to let you work and refuses to fund the family is a cage.

Justdontknow4321 · 22/08/2017 14:13

I think you need to up your hours at work so you have more of your own cash, does he give you any money each week to spend ? Could you save that?

He should pay if he agreed for you to stay home, do you get the child benefit ? And you still work 1-2 days a week?

RebornSlippy · 22/08/2017 14:14

Jesus, OP. Come on now. This is only the start of it. If he was doing what he said he going to do, he'd have paid the insurance by now. "Thinking about it"?! WTF! Do you really want to have to go cap in hand to him every time you need money? Like some sort of second class citizen?

No. Fuck that shit. This forum is littered with women who have been fucked over by men who have left them after years of being SAHM. But at least these women were actually able to stay at home financially supported for the good years. You're not even getting the good years. He's fucking you over in the interim.

Back to work my dear. This isn't working.

Anatidae · 22/08/2017 14:15

And you need to tell him that if he's not going to uphold his end of the bargain you are going back to work on long hours and call outs because you cannot rely on him and so he will have to pay half the childcare and curtail his career to whatever degree needed.

Do NOT let this be the first step on a slippery slope

mindutopia · 22/08/2017 14:20

If you agreed that you would leave work to stay at home and he would take responsibility for providing for the family financially while you did the childcare, then yes, he should pay as this is a family expense. I think it would be different if you were asking him for a week's holiday to wherever without your child and needing him to take off work to do the childcare. If the agreement is for you to be at home, then he would need to pay for your travel costs using public transport as well if you weren't working but needing to get around. It sounds a bit silly on his part and like he didn't think it through when he agreed that you would stay at home.

peachgreen · 22/08/2017 14:22

@2014newme Yes, I know that (I'm not daft!).

ChickenBhuna · 22/08/2017 14:22

Not much to add OP but please listen to others' warnings. You are extremely vulnerable right now and you need to take action.

I was a sahm for years and was treated the way you are - I had no money of my own and had to practically beg for cash and constantly explain myself and even show reciepts eventually!

When we inevitably split (emotional and financial abuse) I had no savings , no recent work experience or training and no self esteem! It's taken years of hard slog to build up my cv and my financial status op.

I was young and trusting like you so please trust me when I type all of this and take action.

Good luck.

Anatidae · 22/08/2017 14:24

You've had a maternity break - that's normal in most industries and you can get back in.

This is a crossroads. Please be careful

Whinesalot · 22/08/2017 14:27

Don't stay out of the workplace for too long. Employers don't like it and also you lose confidence really quickly.
Be careful about being financially dependant on anyone, especially if not married.

Evelynismyspyname · 22/08/2017 14:27

Ask him exactly why he doesn't think you should have a car to drive his daughter to her hospital appointments in.

Ask him whether he still wants you to be a SAHM to his daughter.

Tell him that if he does not fully support you as agreed before DD was born and you gave up your job, you will be going back to work and he will, of course, be paying 50% of the childcare fees.

WomblingThree · 22/08/2017 14:28

If he has such an amazing job/salary, why are you working 1/2 nights a week to pay for holidays?

If you work 1/2 nights a week, you are not a SAHM, you are a part time worker.

Why in God's name would you have a child with someone who financially abuses you? I mean I know it's too late to shove it back in, but you need to wise up, and fast!

Get your arse back to your well paid job and start saving up for your own place, in your own name, where you can do what you want with your money!

plantsitter · 22/08/2017 14:29

Get married quick!

Quite honestly if he is even having this conversation with himself I'm not sure it's worth trying, but you need to try to impress on him that the 3 of you are now a family unit and as such you need to share money equally and have equal access to it. Both pay into the joint account and both pay for what you need from it. You can always give yourselves an allowance for personal expenditure (by which I mean meals out with mates etc not your own food).

If he is not open to this, insist INSIST on getting married, go back to work, and then make plans to leave.

dollydaydream114 · 22/08/2017 14:31

He said he would support you if you wanted to stay off work to look after your daughter. Clearly that support should include paying for your car insurance. It is a car that you use to take your daughter out and it makes life easier and better not just for you but your little girl. You have no other means of paying so of course he has to. If he is 'thinking about it' he is being a controlling twat.

You need a joint bank account pronto.

RebornSlippy · 22/08/2017 14:32

Why are people encouraging her to get married?! For the love of God. She's 24 and she's with someone who is treating her poorly. Why the fuck would she want to marry him?! Like that's going to change him or something? Or the inevitable divorce settlement will be worth the shit she's going to put up with for the next who knows how many years? At least now she can just walk away from him if things get worse.

Jesus wept, this place...

gamerchick · 22/08/2017 14:33

I agree with a pp. work out should care costs and logistics of you going back to work and what he'll have to physically and financially put in as he obviously doesn't really want to cover your expenses as agreed.

Don't allow this to go on. What would happen if this relationship ended? You would be right up shit creek

SonicBoomBoom · 22/08/2017 14:33

My problem is my car insurance is due again soon and he doesnt really seem to want to pay for it. (Last years was a big arguement but i got it in the end)

Can you elaborate? What was his "argument" as to why he shouldn't pay?

pitterpatterrain · 22/08/2017 14:34

Ok. Sounds like you are in a sticky situation.

Do you have access to all money coming into the household? (Shared account, shared savings)
Do you have a private pension that your OH is contributing to as you are not working?
Are you continuing to make your NI contributions by claiming child benefit?
Is there a plan to put your name on all assets?

plantsitter · 22/08/2017 14:37

Encouraging her to get married so she has any legal rights whatsoever. Currently she has no income and no legal right to her partner's.

It's not romance is pragmatism.

Hillingdon · 22/08/2017 14:45

I am going to get tough here because you are only 24 and you have choices here. Don't be one of these women who give up everything for some 'man'.

What on earth are you thinking of! Stop playing the victim and get your CV out and back to work so that you give yourself choices. Otherwise you will be one of life's victims.

Sorry but you have a chance to change your life and you have some massive red flags blowing as others have said

Hotdognoketchup · 22/08/2017 14:47

Get married quickly. I would also look at at part time work if at all possible he doesn't seem very supportive of you staying at home in reality.

Hillingdon · 22/08/2017 14:48

Reborn. The OP has made some very poor choices. She is 24 and needs some protection. That is why some are suggesting she get married. I do agree that he doesn't sound like the catch of the century but she needs to make some decisions now. She has already made a choice to have a child. She now needs to give HERSELF some choices for the future.

Original poster

Namechang31235 · 22/08/2017 14:49

Tbh i never thought of anything being any different if we were married. Ive always thought of it as his money that goes into his account (100% my words not his) i dont get housekeeping and have never actually asked for anything for myself from him so i dont know how he would react to it but our DD always gets everything she needs.
My previous job have always said that they would take me back anytime but i would have to completely rebuild my portfolio so wouldnt be able to afford childcare on my base salary but previously i was on between £4-5k a month with commission. I also suffer with OCD which was never a problem before i had my DD but since her birth has manifested itself into constant concerns about her so leaving her for a full days work would be almost impossible without me having a breakdown.
I do feel like ive got myself into this situation a little. Apart from my car insurance i dont like asking for anything from him as i dont feel its his responsibility. As long as he takes care of DD ill manage.
Leaving would not be as difficult as people imagine as (coming from a situation where my mum left my violent dad) my mum has always made it very clear that should i ever need to leave she would take us in and provide for us so i dont feel trapped in this relationship as such

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 22/08/2017 14:53

He is financially abusing you. He is enjoying the power he has over you and leaving you on tenterhooks by 'thinking about it'. By depriving you of a car he is isolating you and taking away your last bit of independence. I would seriously be 'thinking about' leaving him.

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