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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate having a different surname to my DC

181 replies

RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 11:59

I am a single parent of 2 DCs, seperated from exDP end of last year.

When we had our DC we were engaged, so both DCs got his last name, as I just thought I would have the same last name soon. This wasn't to be so as a result my DCs have a different last name to me. I resent it everyday, as I do 90% of their care, he has them every other weekend and has little to do with their everyday schooling/appointments.

I recently took them abroad and at the airport had a few questions asked of my relationship to them. I had taken birth certificates so it was easily resolved but it left me feeling really sad.

Both our last names together don't work well as double-barelled and ex would never agree to change their last names to mine. Is there anything I can do or is this just going to bother me forever Sad

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 18/08/2017 12:00

This is why everyone on mumsnet is advised ro give the child their name.

MyfatheristheKing · 18/08/2017 12:00

Change your surname to match theirs? Not suggesting you do that, but if you can't get their names changed I don't see any other choice

MeltorPeltor · 18/08/2017 12:01

Change your name by deed-poll to match theirs?

I hated having a different surname to my DS so put my foot down before no.2.

chowmeinchick · 18/08/2017 12:02

Change your name?

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2017 12:02

I don't think there's anything you can do, sorry.

worridmum · 18/08/2017 12:02

The only way without going to court (you might not win) is for you to change your surname to your DCs and think of it as your children's name not your exs.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Notknownatthisaddress · 18/08/2017 12:03

I'm not gonna lie, I don't understand why, in almost every case of an unmarried couple having a baby, the baby ends up with the man's surname.

Almost EVERY single time.

Why? Is it because they plan to get married one day? Is it that the woman/mother hopes they will get married? I just don't get it.

Not sure what to say OP; other than change your surname to your ex's! Confused I don't think you can change your kids names, without your their father's permission. Though THEY can change it when they are 18.

ClopySow · 18/08/2017 12:04

I'm in the same position. It bothered me in the early days but it doesn't any more. It's just a name.

troodiedoo · 18/08/2017 12:04

Never had the same name as my dd1 even when got married to her dad. It's just a name. Their names. Forget the association.

JemmyBloocher · 18/08/2017 12:04

Do you need permission o change their names to yours? I don't think so. Change their names. That would drive me crazy. All my kids have my name. I gave birth to them. It always strikes me as weird to change your name and give kids the fathers' name. Very Dickensian (or older). Most countries don't have this rubbish anymore.

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2017 12:05

I don't think you can change the name on the birth certificate without both parents' permission.

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:06

I know it was stupid, but I suppose I was just in love and truly thought we would get married and would all have the same last name, I don't know anyone who chose their names instead of DPs/DHs name for their children so also peer pressure I suppose.

I have thought about changing my name but thought it might seem a bit odd to change my name to my exes after we have seperated.

OP posts:
chowmeinchick · 18/08/2017 12:06

I have my mums last name and not my dads. He asked me to change it and I said no. I think it's annoyed him quite a bit (they weren't together once I was born) but I think they should have known there was a chance things weren't going to work out. There ain't much you can do really apart from change yours.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/08/2017 12:06

Me and DP aren't married and DS carries his surname, which isn't an issue to me as I carry my dads surname.

OP I don't understand why you're sad, you are their mother.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 18/08/2017 12:07

What Notknown said - it completely baffles me that unmarried women would give their DC their DP's surname which is different to their own.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 18/08/2017 12:08

N.B that's not a criticism of you OP, in your circs (expecting to marry) most people would have done the same.

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:08

I try not to think about it a lot of the time, but regularly pick up both mine and DCs prescriptions and when I ask for x Smith's and x Johnson's prescriptions it sounds like two entirely different people and I always feel a bit flat!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 18/08/2017 12:09

"Me and DP aren't married and DS carries his surname, which isn't an issue to me as I carry my dads surname"

HOUSE!!!!

worridmum · 18/08/2017 12:09

Btw you cannot legally change the childrens name also courts take a very very dim view of known as names were the remove the fathers names aka tom jones to be known as tom smith as its seen as attempting to erase the father out of the childs life.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 18/08/2017 12:09

I think you should just change your name via deed poll and explain to your ex why.

SoupDragon · 18/08/2017 12:09

This is why everyone on mumsnet is advised ro give the child their name.

No, only the women.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/08/2017 12:10

BertrandRussell what do you mean by "HOUSE!!!"? 😳😳

CrossSugarman · 18/08/2017 12:11

Traditionally the child of unmarried parents would always get the mother's surname. It seems a very recent thing for people to now default to the father's name instead. And it makes no sense to me as if they break up (and let's face it, that happens a lot) it will more than likely be the mother who the child lives with.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/08/2017 12:12

OP correct me if I am wrong, it sounds like you are doing this out of spite, if you and EX were still together would have the same thoughts?

Papafran · 18/08/2017 12:12

I'm not gonna lie, I don't understand why, in almost every case of an unmarried couple having a baby, the baby ends up with the man's surname

Agree. It makes no sense. Unmarried couples are statistically very likely to split up before the child reaches adulthood and 9 times out of 10 the mum is the primary carer, does the majority of the work, yet the kid has the dad's name.
In scandinavia, children tend to have the mum's surname unless the parents are married and share the same surname. It's not uncommon either for a married couple to take the woman's name or double-barrel.
We are so old-fashioned.