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AIBU?

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Original poster

to hate having a different surname to my DC

181 replies

RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 11:59

I am a single parent of 2 DCs, seperated from exDP end of last year.

When we had our DC we were engaged, so both DCs got his last name, as I just thought I would have the same last name soon. This wasn't to be so as a result my DCs have a different last name to me. I resent it everyday, as I do 90% of their care, he has them every other weekend and has little to do with their everyday schooling/appointments.

I recently took them abroad and at the airport had a few questions asked of my relationship to them. I had taken birth certificates so it was easily resolved but it left me feeling really sad.

Both our last names together don't work well as double-barelled and ex would never agree to change their last names to mine. Is there anything I can do or is this just going to bother me forever Sad

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 18/08/2017 21:43

mygrand yes, for school labels, cubs, swimming etc I've been able to double barrel and add my surname to the dc's dads surname so it's easier to match us up. It's just a pity I can't double barrel their names on legal documents and passports.

Dustbunny1900 · 18/08/2017 21:52

Yes, it bothers me. My oldest sons father took off years ago (can't believe I have him his last name) and my youngest has my husbands name..and I've kept my own.
I'm kicking myself for giving my children the last name of the man when they came from MY body and I do 90% of their care.
But in both cases it would have resulted in a massive fight as its such an ingrained "tradition". Yep isn't that just a reflection of civilization..woman does the work and a mans name goes on it! Jk. not really

MrsJamesAspey · 18/08/2017 21:58

You could change your name by deed poll so that on official stuff like passports and doctors/hospital appointments you have the same name but then keep your own/known by surname for general use?

My kids have got their Dads surname, I wanted them to as I've always disliked my surname and his is really nice.

Goodnamesalltaken · 18/08/2017 22:05

My mum changed my name (out of spite) without my dad's permission it was the 80s, so I guessed they allowed it then. But I resent her for it, the name is not the best, my original surname was great and would have been a lovely double barrel surname with my husband's for my children. But the real issue is it's such a pain in the arse having this extra paperwork that if I lose I can't replace. I'm always worried whenever I have to send that and my birth certificate in the post together.

Mumof56 · 18/08/2017 22:06

Why do your children have to change their name and identity because of who your in a relationship with or not?

TestTubeTeen · 18/08/2017 22:12

"Makes more sense than naming them all her name and then changing hers AND the kids after the marriage"

Of course, not changing your name on marriage solves this problem!

We need a new norm. Couples merge or hyphenate their names on marriage. And on parenthood. Children get tne new merged or hyphenated name.

Let's all, right now, stop assuming that a woman getting married will automatically change her name.

Let's all, right now, stop assuming that men will NOT change their names.

Next time we hear of a man getting married, let's say " ooh, so will you be becoming Mr HerName? Or maybe YourName-HerNane?".

ChevalierTialys · 18/08/2017 22:41

Notknownatthisaddress

Why do people keep saying 'just change their surname?' 'It's so easy by deed poll.....
'You. Cannot. Change. A. Child's. Surname. Without. The Permission Of.THE FATHER OF THE CHILD.

Why do people keep bandying this nonsense about? My DP's ex managed to change DSD's surname to her boyfriends surname without DP's permission and to date has never faced ANY repercussions for doing so. At all. The judge we took it to REFUSED to change it back. The nursery, then primary school, GP, dentist, passport office all REFUSE to acknowledge DSD's original name. DP was never out of contact, his ex lied to change it and has completely gotten away with it. She is no longer with the boyfriend whose name DSD still uses.

So please explain to me why it cannot be done, when I have seen it done?

BoysofMelody · 18/08/2017 23:00

So many people say that. Basically any name can be double-barrelled. If you think they "can't", then you're obviously not as concerned about the whole thing as you say you are

I would make an exception of your surnames were Waddock Hunt.

Why? Because surnames are an outdated irrelevant concept in 2017 and rarely used in daily life.

I know, when women go on about wanting to be known as Mrs Smith etc., Unless you're a teacher, where do these people live and work where they're routinely addressed as Mrs/Miss/Ms etc? The set of 'Are you being served?'

JemmyBloocher · 18/08/2017 23:08

@TestTubeTeen

Exactly. My husband took my name. Our kids have my name. I didn't force him. He wanted us to all share a name and I wasn't changing mine!

JemmyBloocher · 18/08/2017 23:13

@Notknownatthisaddress

Yes you bloody can. I did it. Good grief.

Jedimum1 · 18/08/2017 23:44

From deedpoll.org.uk, as a PP suggested, regarding adding your surname afterwards:

"If the father has frequent contact and pays maintenance an option to consider is to double-barrel the surname with your surname i.e. add your surname to the child's surname. By doing this, it much more unlikely that the father will seek a court order to reverse the name change because his name has not been removed and thus the biological link to the father has not been broken. Furthermore, if you do not link the two elements of the surname with a hyphen, you will find in general day-to-day usage, only the child's first name and last name will be used. For example, if your child is known as Rebecca Louise SMITH and you change the surname to SMITH JONES, then in general usage, the child will be called Rebecca JONES (but for all official purposes the name Rebecca Louise SMITH JONES must be declared and used). However, if you hyphenate the surname, the child will always be called Rebecca SMITH-JONES (because the hyphen make the surname one name)."

I'd do that.

I have a different surname to my DC and it really annoys me when people assume that I'm not married to their dad, or ask me what's my relationship with them. I have to explain every time why that's the case. It only bothers me that people make assumptions, though, not that they have a different surname to me or that I have a different surname to my DH.

bear28 · 19/08/2017 00:00

You can change their surnames. But they need to be known by your surname for at least 2 years I think before it can legally be changed. My niece and nephew had to go through this process. I could be wrong about it needing to be two years though.

Musereader · 19/08/2017 00:03

My ex just assumed that the child would have his name, when we had settled on a first name he kept telling other people that it would be baby hisname, when i said it would be double barreled because we werent married and i needed a connection to her name - he threw a fit. it was the people he worked with telling him that baby should really only have my name that got him round to it.

As it turns out he didnt come to the registration so isnt on the birth certificate, so though i did do the double barrel im lucky that i dont need his permission to do a deedpoll to change her name. Atm i just give her name as baby myname so that is how she will be known.

OP I am taking it that ex is on the bc as the father?

PinkCrystal · 19/08/2017 00:03

This is why i made sure DC had my name. I only hanger them when we married. If we divorce I will keep this name.

PinkCrystal · 19/08/2017 00:03

Change not hanger!

Ledbury · 19/08/2017 09:54

You can't hyphenate the children's names without his consent or the consent of the court, it's the same as changing the surname, the rule is you can't cause the child to be known by any other name, so even if you preserved his name by hyphenation it's still a new name.

Jedimum1 · 19/08/2017 11:09

Ledbury, I've copied that information from the official website. You can add the mother's name without the father's consent. He might challenge it in court, but it's not treated the same as removing a surname. She can also just add it afterwards without the barrel, which effectively might make people use her surname instead.

Http:deedpoll.org.uk

megletthesecond · 19/08/2017 11:20

jedi my solicitor told me that if I wanted to changed the dc's names they would probably try and find xp and ask him Hmm. We don't know where he is and he wouldn't agree anyway. But the deed poll person I spoke to said it was more of a grey area and I might be able to add my name without needing to track xp down.

NC4now · 19/08/2017 11:28

My DC have my name. I've since got married (not their dad) and use my new name mostly, as it works better with my first name.
I still use my maiden name for DC stuff sometimes though. DS has me saved in his phone as Mum HisSurname.
I don't get hung up on it.

Jedimum1 · 19/08/2017 11:32

Yes, meglect, for what I read, fully changing the name without the father's consent mostly depends on the degree to whether dad is present / pays subsistence / has regular contact /can be found. Where the father is around, according to the link above, if you haven't sought consent, you can add your own surname to the end. But it dies says that by doing that you minimise the chances of the father challenging it in a court case. So the court case can always happen and surnames be back to original, but it seems they allow you to do it if you are not removing the father's (according to the site). In this case, I guess that if the father were to challenge it, I think OP would change it back without a court case, in which case the father would give consent to put it back again, so it's a small risk. I think they could discuss it, as in "I want to add my surname because people enquiry and I don't want DC to think they are any different", but it depends on their relationship.

Dontknowwherethelineis · 19/08/2017 12:51

I don't think it's odd at all - they are your children, you are changing your name to match Their name. I was in the same situation re surnames and planned to change mine by deed poll. As far as I was concerned it was nothing to do with their dad, it was all about having the same name as them.

Ledbury · 20/08/2017 09:14

You should speak to an actual solictor for advice, because some of the information you're being given here is inaccurate

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 20/08/2017 10:14

Ledbury I've looked into the legal side a bit and I cannot change their names without their fathers permission, and in any case if there were a possibility to do so I wouldn't want to go behind his back to do it as that would cause a lot of hassle and tension.

I think my options are either to change my legal name to the DCs, and use my name in everything else. This would solve issues at airports, Drs apps etc. or to double barrell the DCs names.

OP posts:
Ledbury · 20/08/2017 16:02

Good plan Rebecca. You can't double barrel without his permission either though. Good luck with it all. I hope you work something out that works for your and your little ones

happy2bhomely · 20/08/2017 19:23

<a class="break-all" href="https://gingerbread.org.uk/uploads/media/17/8108.pdfwww.ukdp.co.uk/child-name-change-court-order/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">gingerbread.org.uk/uploads/media/17/8108.pdfwww.ukdp.co.uk/child-name-change-court-order/