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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate having a different surname to my DC

181 replies

RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 11:59

I am a single parent of 2 DCs, seperated from exDP end of last year.

When we had our DC we were engaged, so both DCs got his last name, as I just thought I would have the same last name soon. This wasn't to be so as a result my DCs have a different last name to me. I resent it everyday, as I do 90% of their care, he has them every other weekend and has little to do with their everyday schooling/appointments.

I recently took them abroad and at the airport had a few questions asked of my relationship to them. I had taken birth certificates so it was easily resolved but it left me feeling really sad.

Both our last names together don't work well as double-barelled and ex would never agree to change their last names to mine. Is there anything I can do or is this just going to bother me forever Sad

OP posts:
ChickenBhuna · 18/08/2017 12:54

Pigface - The op has every right to feel upset about having a different surname to her DC but it sounds like this is more about her being pissed off that her relationship didn't work out rather than a name.

My exdh and I obviously did marry , he was (and probably still is) , an abusive man , so I left him and reverted to my maiden name. The dcs were given his name so that's that. Worrying about a name only serves to keep you stuck in the past , there are far more important things to concern yourself with.

You've got to let the little things go is all I'm saying.

Knottyash5 · 18/08/2017 12:55

women's names always being ugly and hard to spell, while men's names are lovely

To be fair in my case it really was - 10 letters that nobody could ever spell, down to 4. Which it turns out people still can't spell, but never mind.

Isn't the man alienating the children from their mother by preventing her from changing their name to match hers? That's some serious double morals here

Ain't there just.

lalalalyra · 18/08/2017 12:55

Be aware that the airport thing won't change even if their name is the same. My 8 yo was asked at the airport on Friday who I was, where his dad was and where we were going and we have the same name.

Original poster
RebekahGoggles · 18/08/2017 12:55

And yes I wish I would have given them my name, and I would always advise anyone in that situation not to do what I did. I was 'young and in love' and honestly hadn't even considered that this could happen further down the road. That does seem stupid of me now.

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 12:56

I don't think he would have any objections to me sharing his name but wonder if it would be odd in the future especially if he marries and we then all share the same name

Think of it this way: if you had married before the kids but divorced after, would you have kept the name? You would still have the name even if ge remarried.
If you want to share their name, do it. Don't think of it as his name, think of it as their name.

CrossSugarman · 18/08/2017 12:57

Because surnames are an outdated irrelevant concept in 2017 and rarely used in daily life.

I'm not sure that's true.

grobagsforever · 18/08/2017 12:57

OP - there are so many things to worry about when raising kids - why give yourself an additional one? Surnames matter not a jot. They just appear on post! Pls move on from this for own sake.

NoLoveofMine · 18/08/2017 12:58

Me too. I can't see a single reason why a man should have the right to give kids his name if he won't commit to their mother

There's no reason for children to be automatically given their father's surname whether the parents are married or not (plenty of married couples don't have the same surname after all).

NoLoveofMine · 18/08/2017 12:59

It's not stupid RebekahGoggles, don't feel bad about anything you did.

grobagsforever · 18/08/2017 12:59

Where are they used cross ? I use my first name only when introducing myself in a professional context, no one cares! And obviously my surname is not used in my personal life. It's just a legal thing that appears on post.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 13:00

Because surnames are an outdated irrelevant concept in 2017 and rarely used in daily life

well that's the stupidest comment I've read today.

grobagsforever · 18/08/2017 13:00

And I work in a very formal industry and have a common first name. But ppl remember me by my role, not my surname!

saoirse31 · 18/08/2017 13:00

I don't really get it tbh, and I say that as single parent where D's has fathers name. Surely your relationship with them and relation to them is what makes you their mother, not a part of their name. I think its your need to share a name I don't really get.

chelseahotel · 18/08/2017 13:00

In what way do they say it made them feel awkward?
People assumed they were I was their step mother and they hated explaining. It seems very trivial but it really mattered to them.

On the topic of which surname to use (and hell would freeze over before I double barrelled) I did consider my name for DDs and DH name for DSs. Isn't that what they do in some Scandinavian countries?

Enb76 · 18/08/2017 13:01

My daughter has a different last name to me. In my case, I offered to give her ex-p's last name as it would cement her closer to that side of the family - we weren't together when I was pregnant.

I can honestly say that because I made that choice of my own volition (he didn't ask) I have had no issues with it. Yes, it causes customs officers to ask me for bits of paper and causes me to be called Mrs (child's surname) occasionally but it's water off a ducks back.

Don't sweat the small stuff is my advice (harder to do in practice than theory) - minor irritations are not worth the headspace.

Mittens1969 · 18/08/2017 13:01

I get it. Not the same situation, my DDs are adopted and when they came to live with us they had their birth parents' surname and we couldn't change it until the adoption was complete. We still get paperwork sent to us with their original surname which is irritating.

With DD2, in fact, at one time we were getting duplicates of everything, one with our surname, the other with her original surname. I find it very annoying so I can well imagine you would find it upsetting that they really have a different surname to you.

NoLoveofMine · 18/08/2017 13:01

Personally I'd much rather my mum had kept her surname when she married my dad and I didn't share a surname with her, though I'd rather she'd both kept her surname and given me said surname. As it is, though, if I ever have children they'll certainly have mine.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/08/2017 13:02

Personally I would start letting them use your name! Especially if he has little to do with schooling/appoointments etc.

And yes to Hmm at it being fine to give the man's name as hey, a woman's name is only her dad's anyway. Women don't actually have their own names and identity, ever. Men get named and then their dad's surname is THEIRS, women get named and are just, umm, badged as their dad's until they get married. Right.

Give your children YOUR surname. Because it's YOURS!!!!

ferriswheel · 18/08/2017 13:02

You weren't stupid. You trusted him. I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm getting divorced and in order to have the same name as my children I have to keep my abusive stbxh's surname. I agree its annoying.

grobagsforever · 18/08/2017 13:03

Notever - if you're going to be rude, please at least offer some counter evidence.

I was trying to offer a sensible and pragmatic perspective so OP could move on from this and not feel sad. So unsure why you felt the need to be rude, especially without an evidence base.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 13:07

It's not rude. It WAS a very stupid comment. Surnames are rarely used and outdated as a concept? When you need ID for everything? What does your passport say, just a single first name? Your bank card, your nhs records, your phone contract, your mortgage, your loans, your kids school, your car, your taxes, your insurance, your benefits.....they would all work if you just went by, say "Sarah"?

Don't be ridiculous. You did not offer a sensible or pragmatic perspective at all.

Morphene · 18/08/2017 13:10

op there is nothing odd about unrelated people having the same surname....it happens all the time (especially to the smiths of this world).

So just change your name....no permissions required....end of issue.

If you'd married before splitting you would have changed it and likely kept it because of the kids names...so just pretend that happened.

grobagsforever · 18/08/2017 13:13

Yes exactly my point. It's just some letters on some paperwork. No one activity reads them on a regular basis. They hold only the meaning you assign to them, which, with a bit of pragmatism, can be nothing. Unless you are a teacher it is highly unusual to be addressed by your surname more than a handful of times a month.

I ask you again, pls stop being rude when I am trying to actively support the OP. It's not very nice.

Being nice matters.

Surnames do not.

HotelEuphoria · 18/08/2017 13:16

Change your surname to something that goes with their surname as a double barrel. Then double barrel their surname.
Example:
So their surname is Templeton
Your name is Robinson
Change your surname to Smith
Change their surname to Templeton-Smith

CrossSugarman · 18/08/2017 13:22

Where are they used cross ? I use my first name only when introducing myself in a professional context, no one cares! And obviously my surname is not used in my personal life. It's just a legal thing that appears on post.

What a bizarre question. Today I’ve had my surname called out at the GP’s surgery, asked my surname when I signed for a parcel, had a couple of work calls asking for me by First name + Surname.

And it’s only lunchtime.

I use my surname a lot.